Hello again. I just read through the first 16 pages of this forum and I don't recognize many of the names anymore (hopefully this is a good thing). I have not posted in quite a long time. In any case, my story in brief:
Sex before marriage was excellent. Truly one of the main reasons I married her. Then, classic bait and switch. Sex stopped immediately after our honeymoon with panic attacks and other such emotional (and physical) bad stuff happening that stemmed from my W's abusive childhood. Not her "fault" just a fact of her past.
Started counseling (individual and couple's). Misery for the first 2.5 years of marriage then things got better and consistently improved. W on Lexapro (this stuff saved us). Now celebrating our 5 year anniversary with the last 2 years being really great....except for sex. We have gone through all the stuff...SSM, Care and Feeding, Good girl guide, fake it til you make it, let's do it twice a week, let's let you have control, let's let me have control, let's try never saying "no" and other workshops, programs, intimacy building workshops, weekends away and other research/activities/projects ad infinitum (well at least for the last 5 years).
So that brings us to today...
Relationship is wonderful except for sex. I don't think I could create a better best friend if I could build one myself. She is a great mother, cook, buddy and confidant. AND she will now allow me to have "use" of her body but only according to her guidelines which are:
1. Not her on top (self-image) 2. Not me on top (it is too painful - we have had this checked out and there is nothing wrong with either of us except that our anatomies do not appear to be completely compatible) 3. Can't be tired 4. Can't be PMSing 5. Can't be in a bad mood (2 weeks out of a month max for good mood) 6. Must use artificial lube (even though several Dr.s have reported that there is nothing wrong with her "gear" she simply does not produce natural lubrication...although she did before we got married...hhhmmmmmm?????). 7. No oral (it makes her jaw hurt even though she has had surgery to fix this) 8. No kissing really beyond little closed mouth lip-mashing (see #7) 9. Can't last longer than 15 minutes (See #2 and #6) There are other minor criteria but I am tired of listing.
So there are about 4 hours per month when I am allowed to express physical desire for my W...and...to be honest, I just don't really enjoy having sex with her anymore (even though I now find here even more physically attractive than I did when we first met). My sex drive is pretty much the same as it has been for years I just don't want to have to work so hard for it for the rest of my life. It is like I am working really hard to have an elaborate dinner party and not only do I just get to eat the crumbs that have fallen on the floor...I don't even get to speak to the guests. Too much effort, little payoff. Sex (and masturbation) has turned from fun, into a reminder of everything that I cannot have, into pretty much a chore.
Basically I get the feeling that she is just flat out not interested (Captain Obvious, 2007)
So now I am starting to believe that, at least for me, a poor sex life, even when everything else is going pretty well, is just not enough to stay married.
After re-reading this I am not really sure why I am posting at all. Maybe to vent. I think I came to this site again hoping that, in the year or so that I have been away, someone would have come up with a solution that did not mean divorce for me...you know, that perfect, all-American solution that would give me instantly what I want with not much effort! ;-) Alas, as with everything else (well, except for liposuction), it is just not to be.
I'll try to get back to this to reply (just in case anyone posts anything). Good luck to all of you.
By the way, let me give you guys one piece of advice that you would do well to follow. If your partner (and therapists) start telling you that sex is closely tied to money for your partner....cut and run. Don't worry about all the, "Oh no, what if I never find someone like this again!" or "What will happen to the kids?!!?" Trust me, you and the kids will be far better off if your family does not fall into this sort of "trap." I was told that if I removed "financial stress" (I was never aware of any, I make 6 figures for chrissake, but apparently there was) that the sex issue would go away naturally...since sex and money were so closely tied together for her. If you do this, something will definitely go away and it won't be the sex issue!
One last thing, don't quit until you have tried everything. You will always wonder "what if" if you don't do it all. Also here are simple (thought not exclusive) mathematical formulae that are applicable almost anywhere and at anytime:
Talking = female communication Sex = male communication
No talking = no relationship No sex = no relationship
