I would have to guess the same. Even if she thinks everything is so fabulous right now, she's going to bottom out. Please.. you don't give up ten years together without some kind of feelings of sadness and remorse.
She also needed that "God" moment to justify her "happiness". To make herself feel that the girls are fine with being ripped out of their home 50% of the time.
Take care today.. Unfortunately, your roller coaster ride isn't over yet.
Well, ERC, leave it to me to pick out the financial rather than emotional points in your posts:
You should not end up paying very much in CS if you have joint custody. If you were in Michigan, the maximum total budget for child support for 2 children is under $1500. That's what you would pay if W got full custody and could not work. Now, assuming that you make 2X what she would (both full-time), you would put $1000 in and she puts $500 in. Then you each get $750 out. So net, you would pay her $250 per month.
And don't you dare let W get away with working part-time and getting extra CS to make up for it. The calculations need to be made on her working 40 hr/week. If she can't afford to live on the net CS and part-time work, then she will have to work more shifts.
Mike, I hope you are right. $250 a month would not be a big deal. I actually would be saving money by not paying for her and giving her that for CS. One could only hope.
BTW, I talked to my church yesterday to see about who I can ask to help me out with my girls on Fridays. I am hoping that I can find someone with kids the ages of mine, I do not want to burden someone to much. I actually will have to make sure that I line up a plan A and have multiple plan B's for when plan A cancels on me. This is my biggest dilemma right now, I cannot get every Friday off of work like my W was hoping, the best I can get is half day on Friday every other week. I am actually thrilled that my work is willing to do this for me right now. If we go with my W's plan I need to find a good way to take care of my girls on Fridays.
Last night when I told my W that I could not get Fridays off she's says to me "how about Thursdays? How about using your vacation time?...." I have no idea what she is thinking. I have been with my company for almost as long as we have been married, I always worked Mon-Fri. I do not know why she thinks that I can alter my schedule like this, it can be a little flexible, but when the markets are open I need to be working.
If you have to put your girls in a regular daycare one day a week, that is still way better than most 2-career couples, let alone single parents.
This needs not to be your W's problem. Tell her so. You agree to her parenting schedule (for the next year) and you will figure out child care as needed during your parenting time.
Save up your vacation time. This is Plan D when all else fails. A=main sitter; B= alternative sitters; C= work from home; D = vacation. But again, this is not W's problem--the only question she should be asking is, "Is this plan acceptable?"
maximum total budget for child support for 2 children is under $1500. That's what you would pay if W got full custody and could not work.
Gosh.. I hate to say it but this information made me almost giddy.. H's ow's lifestyle is changing DRASTICALLY!! No wonder she's clinging to another man to support her!!!!!
ERC - your kids are about the same age as mine. You and your wife are still living in the same house also.
From your posts i gather your wife and you are not spending much if any time together with the girls as a family. And i'm also guessing your wife is going out alone on weekends to be with OM?
How are your kids handling the new 'seperate time' with mom and dad? If its anything like my house either I have them and go somewhere, or my wife has them and takes them somewhere. Is this going okay, have you noticed any behavior changes?
From your posts i gather your wife and you are not spending much if any time together with the girls as a family.
Exactly, we spend as much time as my W can possible stand, which is not much. We are pleasant with each other when we are together, but there is a huge strain on us when we do try to hangout around each other.
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How are your kids handling the new 'seperate time' with mom and dad?
D2 seems oblivious to what is going on, I actually expect this from her. D5 is tired of us not being a family. She has asked questions like why is there always just 3 of us? Why doesn't Mommy like our church? Since this sitch started we have not been much of a family, my girls seem to be used to it now.
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And i'm also guessing your wife is going out alone on weekends to be with OM?
I really do not know. I have our girls one weekend and my W works 3 to 11pm both days. The next weekend she has our girls and does whatever with them. She can be seeing him, since she does duck out of the house all the time but I do not snoop, or ask to many questions about it. The less I know the better.
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If its anything like my house either I have them and go somewhere, or my wife has them and takes them somewhere.
Again, this is exactly how it works.
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Is this going okay, have you noticed any behavior changes?
D5 has always been a bit of a drama queen, but she seems to be more so now. I have also noticed that she is looking for Daddy to step in and solve all her playground problems. I wrestle with that one because I want her to know that I will protect her, but at the same time she needs to learn how to handle her friends.
D2 is just a happy little girl. She is very content and happy with life. It does not take much to keep her occupied. She is my little cuddlier, which I enjoy. The one thing that I have noticed is that she is getting more aggressive. She has no problems go at her older sitter if she feels like she has been wronged. This might be do to age or it might be that her world feels unstable and she doesn't know how to express that emotion.
Em...some thoughts. I try to avoid putting my sitch on other's threads, but, sometimes it helps to know that others are going thru the same thing. Like you, my house will be on the line if my W splits. We built it together...I planted trees on it..for her and for me...it's my (OUR) home. As much as it hurts, it's just a house and you will survive.
Next, again, there is little that you can do to stop the D but a lot you can do to push it forward:
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I finally gave in.... I told her it was hard hearing how great and to plan everything is working out for you. It is not that I do not want 5D to adjust, that is good. But as things are working out for you, I am struggling with how do I take care of our girls, can I afford this house. The only thing that I wanted out of this was to be able to hang onto this house, so when I had our DD's they atleast had their home. I really do not know after I buy you out and start paying CS if I can afford it....
Avoid these comments for now..if you can. Think.....DON'T do the 'woe is me' shtick with her. Go back to the 'attractive' .pdf and your N.U.T.S. book...discuss these problems with men. Financial facts only. Perhaps, in the quote above, what might have sounded better would be, "I am not looking forward to having the kids divided between two homes, but, I am happy that they are comfortable with their new church. With luck, I will have additional help soon so that...etc....
Originally Posted By: N.U.T.S.
I take my problems to men. I am a risk taker. I replace doubt with acts of faith.I do whatever it takes to keep my family in our home
What was the reason for the feeling bad for the kids liking the church? What 'little boy' thing brought on those feelings? Think....process this now to avoid future issues.
I'm no expert Em...I am still awash in my own floodwaters, but, I am just noting some things. Finally, since I am not out of the woods and...in some ways....struggling thru the same issues, check out these links:
2) If you need someone for a day or two, check your local area...listings and sometimes a free post/ad: Craig's List
Stay tuff. Strength and honor. Frank
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
I think I am done with D counseling with my W. We are supposed to go again in a couple of weeks, so I have time to think about it. The reason why I'm done is the last two weeks and especially last night in counseling it has been made clear to me my W's counselor cannot be an objective third party. Last night I was telling my W and her C that I have a differing point of view from my W and that it will be hard for me to work with her and her demands for raising our children in two separate homes. I then told them that as a Christian I have no idea how she can justify this D. Her C then tells me this "If Christ was to walk in the room now sure he would not be happy with your W's decision to D, he also would not be happy with your abuse and neglect". Yes, that is right I am abusive and neglectful according to my W C. Hearing her counselor say this I wanted to lash out and defend myself, luckily I did not. I just said that is wasn't worth me defending myself. This comment was said at the end of our time, so I got out and vented to my friend instead of to my W and her C.
Another reason that I do not feel that I should go along with this D counseling charade is her counselor is only trying to convince me to go along with everything that my W wants in this D. Meaning....I need to able to drop everything to help my W with our girls whenever she needs me. I need to tell our girls how wonderful of a mother and person my W is. I am supposed to tell my girls that the decision to D was a joint decision and that I feel this will be best for all of us. I am also supposed to go along with my W's manipulation of our 5D so her plans go smoother. Yes, I think she is manipulating our 5D into liking her new church, to make this easier on her. Not that her church is bad and that I do not want my D to be comfortable there, but when you pray with her constantly about accepting and being comfortable at this church I think you are being a little manipulative.
The question that I have is do I go or not go? Am I just being a baby by not going or is my reasoning legitimate.
It is now clear to me that her counselor is doing nothing to save our M and really just guiding my W through the D process. I do not know how someone could say that I am abusive and neglectful without ever sitting down and talking to me... My W has proven that she is OK and comfortable with lying to her C, even with that her C is more then willing to accept everything thing my W says as truth. I do not understand this.
I need to keep moving on. My biggest emotional hurdle is that I still need to interact with her on a daily basis. We have been for the most part been nice and cordial with each other. I am having a hard time when shots are taken at me like what happened yesterday by her counselor, or when I hear about how wonderful life is for her now. I think when she is not in the house any longer I can get off the emotional roller coaster for a while.
Last night after counseling I had softball, this was good, it was something else for me to get my mind off of things. My parents were watching my girls and they brought them to my game. It is always nice to have my girls around. Really it was fun watching them play with the other kids at my game. The are really becoming good friends with my friends kids. Towards the end of my game my parents brought my girls home to their house for baths. I then went to my cousins house to pickup somethings that I left at their house from the party on Saturday. I ended up talking to my cousin for a while, she is one of the few in my family that knows about the D. She is also the one that goes to my W's church and my W really likes her and gets along with her. Anyways, we talked for awhile and she said that it seems like there is just some switch or knob that needs to be turned on in my W. She said it is either going to happen at the last minute or after it is to late. I agreed.... I also told her about the marriage intensive that our church wants to send my W and I to. She is also a PK(preachers kid) and I guess her dad is friends with the guy that runs this program. She said that she doesn't think anybody from my church could convince her to go, but she is going to try herself. So we will see. If we where to do this M intensive and my W still wanted a D I would be more at peace with it knowing that we did all we could to save our M.
Today, I brought D5 into work with me, she is currently watching finding nemo). I plan on working a half day and then we will go down the block to the Taste of Chicago for lunch.
I just heard this afternoon my W is going to be meeting with a couple from our church. I have no idea what they are going to talk about, but I would consider them friends of our M. They are the ones that first mentioned the marriage intensive in Colorado to us back in January. I am not getting my hopes up but it is comforting knowing how many people do care for us and our M.
