You handled yourself well. Can't say the same about W. This is a long process. Stick to your guns about counseling and getting back to disciplined dialoguing. You do have yur hands full!
One more thing that I forgot to mention was yesterday my W was saying that she still has all of the e-mails that I sent to a classmate in grad school from the fall of 2006. That is the reason that we separated. She said that she even has her telephone number. My W was all insecure that I had a friendship with this girl. THe girl even told my W that there is nothing between us, we shared notes, etc. Nothing! Yet, my W kicked me out of the house. We were living on her parent's property and I was working part-time and going to school full-time and my W insisted that I leave. Her mom told me there is nothing that she can do. So now, the tables are turned. I left this time on my own for two weeks and tried to come back. All I keep hearing is that, You left us. You abandoned us. Oh yeah, what about the fall of 2006 when you kicked me out when I wanted to stay? She must have forgot that!
This whole thing is a BIG MESS! We go through counseling, Retrouvaille and she is telling me that she forgives me and wants to have a happy future and to never mention a separation or a D. When we lived together, this is one of the things that always pissed me off, she was always bringing up the past when I did something stupid. I asked for us to start all over when we got back together and she was willing...NOT! Her problem is that she lives in the past and holds 11 years of history over my head when I did something to upset her. I am just venting.
OneWish's Story
"We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them."
Bringing up the past is against the rules of Retrouvaille. She is immature, overly jealous, and ignores the rules of fair fighting. Certainly her past is not spotless. I don't know what you can do.
Yesterday my W came to pick up D3. My W arrived and came inside to see my mom and gave her a hug and told her to take care of herself. When we went outside, I told my W some info about how my mom is doing and we spoke briefly. My W asked me what time the circus is and I told her 5:00pm and she said that is perfect because she has somethings being delivered to her new house. I then went and signed a lease on my brand new apt. I am so excited! I have been feeling indifferent lately. I am starting to have feelings of not wanting anything to do with my W. I am starting to REALLY consider moving on with my life and focusing only on ME and D3. Yes, I love her. I don't need this crap. I have tried and tried. Last year, we found success. She was reluctant to try until after she tried. She is so damn stubborn. This time around, she is the one who hasn't changed and she keeps blaming me for everything under the sun. Bringing up the past, blah, blah. So disrespectful! I am seriously about to just quit and move on. She will be missing out. Today, we'll go to the circus and my plan is to not even pay attention to her and to just respond to her. I will have a blast with D3 showing my W that I don't NEED her to be happy.
OneWish's Story
"We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them."
Wow, buddy -- this is much different than what I expected a month ago! Stubborn is a euphamism when describing your W ! In the long post from Frank a few pages ago, I completely agree with everything he said. It is time to take back your life and let her pick up the pieces of her own and reflect on her mistakes. She is playing head games, giving guilt trips, etc. She NEEDS to have the bull by the horns, and she needs to finally realize that this is a dangerous game to play. She has backed you into a corner, and has left you know choice but to fight your way out. Obviously, you must remain civil in all of this, but do so with strength and by being firm. Don't be a victim anymore -- be there for D3, GAL, and let her realize what she is letting go/leaving. Also, IMO, I take back what I said in the email about the women who have given you attention. However, I would wait until the D is final before you act on any thing regarding another woman. W will only use this against you IN HORRIBLE WAYS (I can see how bad it could be...).
GD
P.S. Check out my new thread if you would -- got a new problem that is plaguing me!
Great time at the circus! We had SOOO much fun. I wonder what to make of our great time. Is my W now reconsidering? I will post later...it is late and I am tired.
OneWish
OneWish's Story
"We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them."
OneWish, You know what you have to do. Agree, stop pursuing, chasing, even wanting, GAL and act as if you're happy until it is no longer an act.
Arguing with her about Retro-VI, or dialoguing is just reinforcing her belief that you want something she doesn't, making you an adversary.
The interactions in front of her support group, that's most likely what the other women in her office are, is to be expected. My W responds in a similar fashion when she has been around her divorced friend. Its a big up yours to tyler, then a few hours later, with no friend around it's all friends, peace and harmony. I know that sucks and it is confusing. Yet it's what they do. They are dealing with you in front of the people they have probably bitched the most to about you. They told their support group how much they just want out, how bad you are, and the group said, "yeah, get rid of him, life is so great over here with us". Misery loves company. So you show up and now it's on. She has to roll with it, she and her support group already wrote the script for this interaction long before you got there. One night W and I were supposed to go to a movie together. I was working until 10 so W calls and says, "hey, L is wants to go to Fridays and have a drink, we will still go to the movie but I thought since you're working you wouldn't mind". Sure, no problem. I get home after work, get ready to go to the movies, W comes in after having a drink with L, L is in my living room with W. It's on. Total bitch attitude, I'm totally dazed and confused. I haven't even said boo at this point. You know what it was? They spent whatever amount of time talking about how much it sucks to live with tyler, then they show up at my house, and how does W act like she wants, and planned to spend time with tyler after talking about how much it sucks? Script was already written for that night. Here is the confusing part. We went to the movies anyway, an hour later W is nice again. WTF?? Just keep reminding yourself, nothing they say, 1/2 of what they do. It's the only way it makes any kind of sense.
So screw their little gig all up. Agree. Don't question. Just agree. That messes everything up. They needed the drama to reinforce everything they just said or was said to them. All men are dicks about _______. That's just how they are going to be now that you want a divorce, want to be empowered, blah, blah, blah. So you agree, are nice, happy, upbeat and extrememly positive. You find the up side to everything. Now what? They walk away dazed, their support network is saying to themselves, I wish I had a guy like that. The whole gig is shot. Yes it sucks. Your insides are shredded and you're scared to death that agreeing and being nice is just going to make it easier for her to pursue the D, but you don't let it show. Never let them see you sweat? Hell, there are times I'm afraid the are going to see my peeing my pants as I smile and say, "that sounds great".
You did okay dealing with signing the papers, just say I'll have to take some more time to read through them. The visitation issues? Don't. All that happened there was once again you reinforced to her, and her support group that probably got an ear full as soon as you left, that you are an adversary and never want what she wants.., in so many words. Visitation is something that will be settled by attorneys, as will everything else if it goes that route. So don't discuss it. Tell her it's a lot to think about and such emotionally charged issues like visitation really should be examined when your head is clear and under the advice of counsel. End of fight. You're not signing anything or committing to anything, yet you're not fighting her either. You just need time to think.
Just be patient dude. Give her time and space. Don't disagree, this gives her and her support nothing to feed the negativity.
I'll post more after you share how it went at the circus.
Awesome! You know what you have to do, Act as If. BE HAPPY. This is the best possible thing that could be happening to you at given your present state.
I know it sucks. I know this is mental hopskotch, to quote Missing Persons. But what are you going to do? Let them see it hurts?
Hell no!
Be happy, be friendly, be agreeable and most of all, be unflappable.
! In the long post from Frank a few pages ago, I completely agree with everything he said. It is time to take back your life and let her pick up the pieces of her own and reflect on her mistakes. She is playing head games, giving guilt trips, etc. She NEEDS to have the bull by the horns, and she needs to finally realize that this is a dangerous game to play. She has backed you into a corner, and has left you know choice but to fight your way out. Obviously, you must remain civil in all of this, but do so with strength and by being firm. Don't be a victim anymore -- be there for D3, GAL, and let her realize what she is letting go/leaving. Also, IMO, I take back what I said in the email about the women who have given you attention. However, I would wait until the D is final before you act on any thing regarding another woman. W will only use this against you IN HORRIBLE WAYS (I can see how bad it could be...).