Yesterday and so far today have been hard on me. Even though I have been moving on as best I can the realities of my D stare me down. I have been wrestling in my mind the last couple of days about what parenting schedule works best for me and my girls. Who can I get to help me with my girls when I work? Can I afford to keep my house after I buy my W out and start paying CS? If I can scrap by can I afford to give my girls the lifestyle that they are accustomed to? What is it going to be like the eat PB&J 3x a day for the next year? Why do I have to see my WAW everyday? Why is it that I love her, but at the same time want to hate her? Why does she have to keep telling me how wonderful everything is going? Why, Why , Why does God allow for this to occur? Why is this so freakin lonely?
Sorry for all the questions. Yesterday, was a decent day for me in the morning. I went to church and then went golfing with one of my good friends. I went and had ice cream with my W and our girls then I had the girls by myself the rest of the evening. After I got them to bed I got myself ready too and cleaned up the house a little bit. I was exhausted and was trying to go to sleep before my W came home. That did not happen, she walked in the door as I was turning the TV off and getting in bed(or should I say couch). She came right into the family room and proceeded to tell me about a God moment that she had yesterday. I guess my 5D has been really fighting my W on going to my W's new church. So my W has been praying with 5D that she could adjust to the change and love both churches. Well I guess yesterday my 5D had a good time at the new church and one of my 5D favorite songs from her normal church was sung for the first time at my W's new church... My W told me that she was standing there watching and it made her cry and she is so happy that 5D has 2 favorite churches now....on and on and on she went......... I hated hearing her tell me about how wonderful things are working out for her...... Not that I do not want my 5D to adjust, because she is going to have to, but I hate hearing my W talk about it because 5D shouldn't be adjusting like this or for these reasons. After hearing my W talk for 5 minutes I wanted to ask her to stop....I just kept saying to myself listen, validate, this is for my girls...... After awhile she finally noticed that there was something up with me and asked me what was wrong. I told her that it was good that 5D is adjusting tried to leave it at that..... She asked again what was wrong....I again tried to deflect the question and not answer. After doing this a few more times, I finally gave in.... I told her it was hard hearing how great and to plan everything is working out for you. It is not that I do not want 5D to adjust, that is good. But as things are working out for you, I am struggling with how do I take care of our girls, can I afford this house. The only thing that I wanted out of this was to be able to hang onto this house, so when I had our DD's they atleast had their home. I really do not know after I buy you out and start paying CS if I can afford it.... She did not have a whole lot more to say, but she did keep sitting in the couch next to me. I had to get up and walk away because I did not want this conversation to continue..... Needless to say that I did not sleep well again last night.
I hope this post is readable. Having a rough day....
