Bad day today, got a call from xw this a.m. practically in hysterics, her and S14 and S16 were to take an overnighter into the mts today. She was screaming and crying about how S16 was insulting her and that she was just going to leave him at her place. When I asked her about what kind of insults, she just said "not being respectful" (crypto pls). S16 is a great teen and he only is disrespectful when he perceives he is being disrespected. He's not an early riser like xw and needs a cheerful wakening and a couple of snooze reminders to get him up in a good mood. I talked with both of them for a time, calmed them down and they all left on their trip.
The thing that concerns me is that xw would have abandoned S16 again like she did when she pulled the WAW and, new term WAM (walk-away mom) in 2005. How can she not see that S16, while being very together but is still sensitive would have a bad reaction if she just up and left him???
The more I thought about it, the more I realized that has always been her reaction to arguments, to just walk away or drive off, even as far back as to when we were dating pre-marriage. In later years she would either drive off or just clam up and not talk about what was bothering her all the way up to her not saying anything and leaving us altogether. This lead me to two conclusions 1) She has not changed (duh) and is such an inconsiderate MLCer that she would abandon a son that already has abandonment issues. 2) The worm/OM must constantly be taking cr@p and still not "disrespecting" her (aka smooching behind) which is what that queen wants and I just can't give her so it would just be a matter of time until I would be assertive about things and she would go off. Unless maybe that what she needs, a real man.
Digressing here, the main point is that I'm all about the family and that means S16's & S14's happiness as much as mom and dads. Today's antics make me reconsider whether to try anymore with her or not. Clearly she puts herself, friends, and even co-workers ahead of family and that may be an insurmountable challenge. Still don't see how a person can change so much so quickly. Will have to sit down and absorb all this and consider how it may affect what I say/do at the Monday date with her.
Just let Monday's date go like any other. She's just another woman now and you get to chose. If she's not the kind of woman you chose to associate with then don't! She's the mother of your kids so she has a little going for her in that respect above other women but now she gets to fight for that prised position of mate just like any other woman. Good luck and thanks for the comments on my sitch!
Boy, your XW sure does have issues, and would you want her back now? She needs to work on herself, just as you had to, I think. Not that you can force her to do so ... she has to come to that realization herself.
I agree with OTB ... it's a date, so just pretend she is like any other woman you're taking out. Try not to discuss the children, and keep the conversation light and fun.
Well, that's my 2c worth, anyway.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
The xw and sons are back from their short trip, sounds like everything went well after all. xw is now passing the hysterics off as "her time of the month" (or maybe I think her "change of life"). I get the feeling it's deeper than than but went ahead and validated to keep the peace.
For my part, after even more analyization (seems I do a lot of that), think some of it is cold feet on my part to play down the date to "just normal" which I have done in the past, backed off and she didn't come forward. This time I'm sticking to the plan and going for it, won't leave town again wondering if we could have gotten further that just a light date. So far she has not said no to anything of mine so going to see how far that envelope extends.
"Would I want her back now?", no, but I need to put the gears in motion so we can have a chance at an us when I move back in a year and a half to two years. Like you said, she needs to work on herself, but she also needs a guide to help her. The crowd she hangs out with now will not get her there so I figure it's up to me. Have done the light, fun thing for a while now with her, it's finally time to get down to business. Will keep the kids out of it, any foundation would need to start with the two of us. She may not be ready for it but sometimes a good "cage rattling" is just the thing to wake a person up. Thanks for the 4c from the two of you. RJ
Time for the big date. Confirmed location and time at her favorite restaurant and have gone over my notes. Will be positive and "act as if" things will go well but have this feeling xw is preparing a plan of her own. Either way, will not be in limbo afterwards which is very important. Certainly not looking for any sort of commitment or have any expectations, just want to get rid of the what ifs and if possible to not sound too sensitive, to get some closure if it goes in that direction.
Planning to start things off light like any other date but eventually will get into the heavy issues. By then we should have a good raport established and can talk open and honestly.
Definitely, good luck Ron! I hope you get what you need out of this date.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
As usual, the nervousness of the anticipation of the date was much worse than the actuality. Apparently I just have a way of doing that. It was one of those times where time seemed to just fly by, had barely gotten through half my list of topics when the waitress was asking ab out dessert. We got drinks and ended up talking for two hours more. A lot of hand holding, eye gazing (pupils were dialted which from what I read means shes interested). In the end, as anticipated, no commitments or promises but do know she cares deeply for me and with her, she takes a lot of time to process things so know she is thinking about the possibility of an us in the future. Highlights: she finally admitted to having an extramarital affair while we were still living together and that she would not taking me to court for more parental time with the boys. Low point: she felt the need to point out the circumstances of precisely when the EA began which I didn't want to hear. Of course it was my fault because according to her, we were at a bar or a party and her girlfriend said something like, "let's go downtown and dance/party" she wanted to and I said I didn't and om who was also there said "I'll go!" and from there they started making plans to cheat on me and his w (now xw). Like all I had to do was say OK, I'll go and this never would have happened, riiiight, that's a load of BS. Maybe would have fallen for that "my fault" stuff months ago but not anymore. Just an excuse to break the M vows.
Anyway, kept things positive throughout, mostly cheery which I'm now convinced is the way to go in the future. Am going to back off now and see for a while what she does. She still is talking about coming to NJ to help us set up household, may take me up on my offer to travel to Spain as a 25th anniversary (I know, I know) gift. We met there and I'd been planning this trip since the 20th anniv so why not see about going through with it?
That's about it, we are all (xw,D19,S14,S16,me) going river rafting through the Royal Gorge this week but no other plans to see her until the trip to the airport next Monday. Suppose still somewhat in limbo but today it doesn't seem to be bothering me all that much. So did I get what I needed out of this date? I think so, there were times in the discussion where things we talked about brought some closure to questions I'd had and also see that her attitude is coming around to the new me. As always, thanks for the support. RJ
Hey Ron, Nice report. IMO her sharing with you about affair was very positive even if it was difficult to listen to. Means she cares and wants closure. Also means she wants to put the cards on the table rather than hide.
It was all your fault? Why not. Whatever. Want to be happy or right? You accepted your real role and maybe now she is trying to also. But it is still easier to blame you - her ego is still a work in process.
Again, good job. You have the right outlook and I agree the distance will help improve things further.
