Need Veteran Piecer's Advice - desperately!!!

[Heartbroken]

Well I am back...

I was not posting within my own due to fear H reading and seeing how I was feeling and how LRT was going for me.

Things were heading down the D path up until the two weeks ago - then there seemed to be a shift with H and he did not talk so sure about D...he started talking confusion again...

The kids and I left for Hilton Head Island, SC on 6/23 - H drove us to the airport that AM. I was really dark until that point only talking to him about kid things and seeing him at S9 baseball games. So during the trip he asked D13 to talk to me -something that could have waited... I then broke down and called him on Thursday 6/28 - sad feelings got the best of me. We just talked general stuff though I wanted to cry to him I did not.

We were to fly home 6/29 and the flight from hell lasted until 6/30 at 6:15 PM - yes we were stuck in Atlanta for TOO LONG!
H picked us up and I could tell something was different. We all went to a quick dinner and then to the house where H stayed while we were gone.

We talked and he was very upset - he realized how much he needs the kids and me full time. H wants to work on us AGAIN....I should be thrilled but honestly I am scared to death of getting my heart broken once again.

We went to the neighbors to watch fireworks - it was good. Said good night and H went back to the apt.

Today he called early - I slept for sh*t and am starting to run on empty..H came over around 10 and stayed all day. We talked a ton and now the kids ask what's going on since we have not been together since the week b4 memorial weekend...

H and I went to a 4th of July party tonight - left early and talked in the truck outside his apt. I said we cannot start working on us until OW is completely gone - oh yeah he did start up with her again - this I new but it still hurt to hear it from him...H said he's done with her but needs to tell her...I said I just still want our separation until he ends it for good he agrees...H says he wants to come home ASAP. The kids leave for California 7/7 thru 7/28 to be with my in laws.

I said goodnight and told him to have fun with the kids tommorrow - he is off all week. Well I did fall asleep tonight but woke to check my phone and he left a message at 11 PM since I knew I was not going back to sleep until I talked to him I called back (12:20) he answered and said that he told her he is done and is going back to me and is working on our M.

I am just numb right now - soooo afraid to feel anything - I know I will take him back in a heartbeat but soooo scared to be hurt again... H wants to come home though the lease is through August - he hates it there and just wants to be with me...

I feel we should wait until the kids are gone and that will give us three weeks to start working on us... How fast is too fast? I still love him so much though I have started to wall myself off from him it will not take much to bring this wall down.

I know I need to go slow - let him set the pace but I want him to deal with my feelings too - this time...

I need some advice once again. I'll be damn if I am not back on this roller coaster ride once again. Sometimes it seems it would have been so much easier to have just let it all go - but my heart just will not allow it. H has been my best friend for over 20 years - how do you ever just let that go???? I truly have the faith we can get through this - if H is truly willing...

It's funny b/c so many of you have said it's not over until it's over - who would have thought this could be true for my sitch once again...

Thanks for letting me vent - maybe now I can get back to sleep!

HB