Gone Dancin's Dilemma, 2

[Nomopo]

GoneDancing:

Well, I made it through your thread. I recall now that I was following you early on, kind of lost you in the middle, and then had picked up again in the last few weeks, but I forgot a lot of the background details. Anyway, helps to read through it all from start to finish once in a while. I did this with my own thread just before finalizing my plan. If you haven't done it with your own thread, I recommend it.

It's 2:00 am here now, so let me give this a shot, but we can visit more about it tomorrow if you want. FWIW, here are some thoughts I had reading through your sitch.

Let me start by telling you that in my opinion you have come a VERY LONG way indeed to be the person you are today from the person who started posting. I hope you see that. You should feel good about what you have accomplished. Compare your initial posts to what you have posted in the last few weeks (since just before your trip to Hawaii) on your own thread and, more importantly, on other people's threads. As I had been reading your more recent posts (and not remembering that i had followed you earlier), I had assumed you were much older than you are. You just seemed mature, calm, clear headed and in control. I think I said as much to you recently. I can tell from your advice to others and even in your contemplation about your own sitch that you know what you should be doing. Of course, we all have questions from time to time about specific scenarios.

I was amused a little, but more proud really, of how you started off your response to the initial Just_Me post by lashing out at him, but came around by the end of the post to acknowledge that most of what he said about you was right. And that's important, Nick -- to take a long, hard look at ourselves and acknowledge our faults and mistakes. I think you have done an excellent job of that, and we all must continually do it. Let me also say that your GALing is among the best I have seen on these boards, and far better than mine.

If I followed the timing correctly, you and W separated 9 months ago, 7 months ago you pushed her to decide to work on things or get a D, 3 weeks after that you filed for a D, and for approximately the next 3 months you went pretty dark (with the exception of weekly letters for a little while). You got a DUI on St. Patty's Day, and lost your job. You've been sober since that time. (Aside: what are you doing for work?) About the same time, W started seeing OM. Did I get all of that right?

I did not recall your battle with the bottle, and I am very impressed with how you have done here and your resolve. Keep this up. It sounds like you will be able to stay strong, but be wary of those particularly tough days. No matter what happens with your R/M, this is critically important and something to constantly strive for. You should feel GREAT about how you have done so far and what this means for your own life and that of your children.

In my mind, the most important thing you can do right now is find out if there is anything esle you can do to unfile or stop the divorce proceedings you started. Maybe there isn't, and maybe you know that for sure, but it wasn't clear to me fromk your thread. You said you felt good about asking your W to unfile, becuase you felt like you had taken another step towards saving your M. I agree, but two things: (1) you will feel even better if you KNOW that you did everything possible to stop it and (2) this is not to impres your W or show her anything (although that is an ancillary benefit), but rather because YOU DO NOT WANT A DIVORCE. Make sense? So, if you haven't yet, I would call your L first thing in the morning, and tell him or her that you do not want a divorce. And even though your W did not agree to "unfile," you want to know what, if anything, can be done to undo the filing and/or to slow down the process (eg, the looming Aug. 16th date). In connection with the mediation, I am guessing that process is done. If not, delay any future meetings. If it is done, did you sign some sort of agreement in connection with what was agreed?

If the D proceedings cannot be slowed, delayed or undone, then I am wondering if you ought to approach your W about it. I'm just thinking out loud and definitely would want others' opinions, but i'd be curious how she would react now (or closer to 8/16) if you told her that you made a mistake, you don't want a D (or aren't in a rush and want to be sure), and that you are having a hard time dealing with the fact that you filed. It was a mistake. You could add that you understand that may be what she wants and you won't stand in her way, but you want her to file so you don't have to kick yourself for the rest of your life about it. I know this is a LONG SHOT, but I would be thinking about it if I were in your shoes. It's best to start with your own L to see what can be done unilaterally.

One other point on the filing. You indicated earlier you didn't want to appear like you were chasing her. I wouldn't worry about that on this point. Generally, it's important not to chase or pursue, but getting this thing untracked is much more important in my mind.

You made the following comment in one of your earlier posts (I think after the day when you felt really bad (and vented on your thread) about the OM being at your S's birthday party:

I think it will take the "high" in W's new R to wear off before the thought of working things out will even come to mind. Even if the "high" wears off, I don't know if she'll want to try. I guess DBing is what will help influence that decision if & when the time comes though. I now see that, besides doing this for me, this is the reason I keep on DBing -- to keep that potential door open so she'll WANT to come back someday. I don't think I'll have to be in anymore sitch's with OM from here on out, but I don't think telling W that I don't want OM in the car when she picks up the kids will work in my favor in any way. I think she'll see it as an act of control, and it will make her dig her new R heels in deeper.

I like this because (1) I agree with it and (2) it shows you are thinking clearly. And as another poster said (Nikki, I think), you continue DBing because it will be best for YOU no matter what happens to yur R/M. And ask yourself, if you can't save your M, what kind of R do you want to have with the mother of your children?

W is now on insulin (been about 2 weeks now) for Type 2 diabetes, so I've decided to begin giving the kids a bath after dinner before she picks them up around 7:00 each Sunday night. This way she will have a little less work to do at least on those nights. I won't tell her this is why I'm doing it -- I just feel better myself knowing this is why. We do these things NOT because we're counting points, but because we love them, right? If she recognizes it, great. If not, I will still feel good for doing it. I WILL NOT do it in order to get that pat on the head and overt show of appreciation. Everything that I do from here on out will be out of unconditional love -- this is something I know I've not done at times in the recent past. I'm going to change that.

I love it! Really! It was a very kind gesture and you did it for the right reasons. Way to go!

Our D3 then brought up the fact that OM had given her the trike she was riding (W brought it with her). I just nicely replied with, "He did? That was nice of him. Did you tell him 'thank you'?" She said yes, and that was that. Although I don't like the OM sitch, it is a reality I figure I have to deal with, and I feel like the best thing I can do is be accepting of it. I don't want to, but what else am I suppose to do? I think being negative about it IN ANY WAY will only push W further away. I don't want to have to talk to him, be his friend, etc, but I don't think acting pouty, curt, short, etc, whenever he is mentioned would be beneficial. W has to know their R hurts me, so why not show her that I can at least respect it? Any opinions on this?

Again, I think excellent.

GoneDancing, I think there are small positives in your sitch. Very small baby steps, I think, but progress nonetheless. You said that since you started DBing, things have been a little friendlier and there has been a little more small talk or slightly longer convos.

On that topic, you wrote at one point (earlier):

During the last 7 months of separation, she seems to be annoyed and hates me at times, but is decent and kind at others. At the beginning of the separation, she was rebelling a lot by going out getting hammered every night she didn't have the kids (yet she was never much of a drinker throughout OR).

Is she still going out and getting hammered? It seemed as I read it that in the past two months she was annoyed less and didn't hate you at times. Do you agree? This weekend you concluded things were about the same. I see progress, albeit small steps. After you re-read your own thread, let me know whether you agree or whether you stil see things as about the same.

That brings me to feeding her love language. Unless her love language is Physical Touch, I think you can try to do this. I'm not sure you need to, because the LRT you are doing, GALing and giving her time and space while you act as if with a PMA seems to have made things better. Part of me says you could just do this for a few more months and see if things with her OM cool off (but the D complicates this). But another part of me says try to fill her LL, very slowoly and very casually. Let's discuss this more after you have read the book and have identified her primary LL.

Hope it helps,
Nomopo