Good night calls: When she has him, I wait. When I have him, she has had trouble waiting for us and usually calls when I'm taking out of the bath or something, but has been doing much better in the last week or 2.
Couple of glib responses on the job front. Short answer: I make my living off of other people's filth. Longer and slightly funnier answer: I maintain and repair Commercial and Industrial floor cleaning equipment, which is every bit as sexy as it sounds.
More and more I am finding that this is really about me, despite her obvious psychoses, so I guess I ought to come clean: In the most unflattering light, I am the adult child of an alchoholic, a high school drop out, have had my own substance abuse issues since my pre-teen years, and have generally wasted much of my life (I'm 31).
In a more positive light, I routinely test above genius level on standardized IQ scales, have never had any heavy drug use/addictions (no needles, no drinking, never woke up not knowing where I was), have been unfailingly commited to my marriage and my family, and have really responded quite well to the current crises (if I do say so myself).
Pot was always my drug of choice, and had been for a very long time. I was a maintenance user: very low quantities, but every day. I've been clean now for 4 months and will not go back to using, no matter what the outcome of my marriage might be. I'm in the process of quitting cigarettes, and having a lot of success, but I can't claim to have quit them completely yet. Check back next year and maybe I will be able to give you a better answer on that one.
I will not give up coffee, come hell or high water, though starbucks's is getting a lot less of my paychecks these days.
I've also lost a little more than 30 lbs since the bomb (10 due to shock/stress, 20 more due to better diet and exercise).
Another positive that I can claim is that I have read more, and about more topics, than just about anyone I have ever met (including college professors, doctors, lawyers, and CEOs).
DR may (or may not) save my marriage, but the book that probably saved my life was Deep Survival by Laurence Gonzales. Right book at the right time, and I include it here just because.
P.S. I'm also addicted to overly long posts, but you may have already guessed that.
Had a great day with the boy, spoke with W this morning. Told her I was totally flexible for tonight (Boy could stay with me, I could bring him by tonight, etc...). She suggested that she could pick him up at the house, but I down played that option by acting the nice guy role.
Truth is, the kid had some trouble last night wondering when mommy is coming home. There was just no way I was gonna let him see her pull into the driveway tonight, just to have her load him up and take him back to her mother's. The real shame is, I think she was probably trying to reach out, but who knows.
Anywho, I really did have a great day with him, and actually got him into a swimming pool (something I was beginning to fear would never happen). As I was taking him to his favorite restaurant, W called and said that she wanted him to stay with her tonight and again offered to pick him up. I played it real cool and ultra nice, told her we were about to have dinner and that I would bring him over afterward. Called her when we were on the way, got voicemail, left message. Got there, dropped him off, no hug, and she asked if I would be available later "to talk". Told her sure, anytime, played it real cool and upbeat. Left, drove through a commercial for Evan Almighty, barely noticed.
Good night call, she brought up a scheduling issue for the week, I was most obliging, aked her if that was what she needed to talk to me about. She said no, she just wanted to "touch base on all this other stuff". I told her to call anytime, I was always willing to talk. Haven't heard back yet.
Great composure! I'm sure there are many here learning from your character. Plus the comedy has me on the floor. Nothing like a laugh when you are done, I know I need it.
Laugh it up. If you want, I can send you some naked pictures of myself.
Honestly, though, they wouldn't be as funny as they would have been six months ago. Still probably worth a giggle nonetheless.
Never heard anything, guess she chickened out. I had to tell her to "grow a spine and tell me what you want to tell me" just to get her to drop the bomb, as she is largely a coward at heart (not really her fault, though: From what I know of her childhood, getting out of bed in the morning must be a monumental act of courage).
The way I see it is, there are 3 likely scenarios she wants to talk about: Moving out of state and abandoning her child/family/life, continuing on a more reasonable path to divorce, or reconciliation. I have statements rehearsed for any of those, but I'm still scared out of mind by all 3.
Not to mention the unknown 4th option (shiver).
P.S. Back to nudity: For a while, everytime she saw me she commented on how good I looked. I finally had the bright idea to rehearse a smooth, lighthearted "you ought to see me naked" response just for fun. What does she do? Stops telling me how good I look.
You're doing good dude. Don't ask anything else about the talk, if she hasn't brought it up already.
Leave it alone. Don't chase. Give her a ton of space. She is processing a lot of stuff and any talk right now will not likely be the final outcome unless you make it final.
If you do get locked into a "talk", don't say anything disagreeable. Listen until your ears bleed to quote Preserve. The guys on this board that have been successful at DB'ing really emphasize listening and shutting up.
Speaking of shutting up. You mentioned in so many words the concept of thought stopping. I use an anchor. NLP type thing. I tap myself on the chest, light if in public, hard if alone, and say to myself, STOP. Immediately following that, I will say to myself, internally or externally based on where I am, I will say shutup, shutup, shutup, stop whining, stop whining, stop whining.
I do this every time a negative thought comes into my head. Part of the process here is simply being aware of the negative thought. Hypervigilance is a term my friend used in teaching this to me. Your mind is on high alert, any negative thought that pops up, your mind swoops in and crushes that little bastard before it can begin that negative cascade we all experience when negativity is left unchecked.
It's silly I know. That is part of the reason why it works. It's different. What's that saying? If what you're doing isn't working, try something different, and keep trying something different until something works. This worked for me.
Wrote a huge, very meaningful and deep response, said "screw it" and chucked the whole thing. Feeling kind of conflicted today, but probably because I am approching the Next Level, whatever that may be.
Screw it (again). I'm going for a run, then I'm gonna go hang out with my brother.
Freebie: A duck walks into a drug store, walks up to the counter, and puts a tube of Chap Stick in front of the pharmacist. The pharmacist asks "Will this be cash or charge?" The duck replies "Aw, just put it on my bill."
Good night calls: When she has him, I wait. When I have him, she has had trouble waiting for us and usually calls when I'm taking out of the bath or something, but has been doing much better in the last week or 2.
Sounds good.
Originally Posted By: walkingcliche
Couple of glib responses on the job front. Short answer: I make my living off of other people's filth. Longer and slightly funnier answer: I maintain and repair Commercial and Industrial floor cleaning equipment, which is every bit as sexy as it sounds.
I help people buy and sell businesses. I am fascinated by how people find ways to make money. Very cool.
Originally Posted By: walkingcliche
More and more I am finding that this is really about me
Yep.
Originally Posted By: walkingcliche
I've been clean now for 4 months and will not go back to using, no matter what the outcome of my marriage might be. I'm in the process of quitting cigarettes, and having a lot of success, but I can't claim to have quit them completely yet. Check back next year and maybe I will be able to give you a better answer on that one.
Good for you on both.
Originally Posted By: walkingcliche
I've also lost a little more than 30 lbs since the bomb (10 due to shock/stress, 20 more due to better diet and exercise).
Also good!
Originally Posted By: walkingcliche
For a while, everytime she saw me she commented on how good I looked. I finally had the bright idea to rehearse a smooth, lighthearted "you ought to see me naked" response just for fun. What does she do? Stops telling me how good I look.
Yeah, live and learn. I've had similar experiences.
tyler gave excellent advice on (1) listening and shutting up and (2) thought stopping. And Preserve's thread is great if you haven't checked it out. Also on not bringingup the talk, but I do wonder what she thought she was going to say.
Nomopo
M 39 W 39 M'd 10 yrs; T 14 yrs S7 D4 Bomb 5-8-05 W not working on M 1-22-07; EA 2-22 DB 4-10 S 6-11 No more C Link
One more thing: in this month's Men's Health, they said that a new stud on smoking conluded that walking can quell cigarette cravings. People who walk 10 minutes a day felt 76% fewer withdrawal symptoms and 33% fewer cravings! Wow!
M 39 W 39 M'd 10 yrs; T 14 yrs S7 D4 Bomb 5-8-05 W not working on M 1-22-07; EA 2-22 DB 4-10 S 6-11 No more C Link
Thanks. I would be more appreciative, but I'm having a hard time right now:
Went out with the Bro last night, had a great time. She doesn't know he is in town, so I just kind of said I was going to dinner with a friend. Knowing her perspective, I can only assume she figured it was another woman. I'm okay with that. She also apologized for not calling, I said no problem. Cucumber cool.
At 12:03am this morning, I sent her an e-mail requesting confirmation of a plan for me to take the day off on Thursday to cover my son, as her mother has a doctor's appointment (possible recurrance of cancer, doesn't take a genius to figure out that stress is probably playing a part). Real light, to the point, no extra words (hard to beleive reading my posts, I know). I also added a postscript mentioning that I had attached some pictures of the boy from the weekend. 2 were typical "cute kid" pictures, 1 was a pro-level portraiture of him, calm but not smiling, looking off over a lake (I'm a pretty competent photog with some serious equipment, and I worked to get this shot just right).
Around 11 this morning, she left me a voice mail saying that Me having him Thursday would be good, and to call her to discuss the schedule for tomorrow. Her voice totally changed when she thanked me for the photos, and I think she really liked them. Around 2pm, she sent me a text message of a URL for a photo contest in our area, no additional commentary. Around 5:30, she left me another voice mail saying she was leaving work, to call her, and that she might miss my call because of her radio. 10 minutes later I called back, got VM, said to call me and used the old "tag, you're it" joke (you know, phone tag?). She called back, we sorted out the scheduling (veeeeeeery carefully), talked (no R, light and friendly), and basically started to wrap it up. Then she said "just one more question", and launched into the money.
That's right, the money. No R. No humanity. Just, the money. The worst part is, she even offered to scrap the proposal on the table and take all the debt (as she really should, it is her's, but damn). I let her roll, kept my mouth shut as much as I could get away with, and offered no commitments or anything other than empathy and compassion, but it effing hurt. It just seems that she is willing to do anything to get away from me.
Sure, maybe it's guilt. Maybe she thinks she isn't worthy of me (and there could be some truth to that), but come on. What the hell is going on over there?
To add a little extra spice to the sitch, I have noticed a distinct change in her mother's tone with me over the last 2 days when I make my morning "I love you" call to my son. Real short, very irritated, like this is all my doing. WTF?
Have I gone to far? Do they think that I wouldn't take just about any chance I could to try and heal my family? Have they come across some info that I don't know they have (my divorce account, the fact that I'm on this board, something that isn't even true but they believe it)?
Grrrr. I know it's all part of the game, but some times I'm just too damn smart for my own good. I've done so much reading about this stuff, and psychology in general recently, that I can't just live anymore. I'm analyzing everything, and none of it looks good.
She's a narcissist, in a very real, clinical sense. I know I should just focus on my self, but I really think that is true. I've read 15 books for the purpose of sorting all this out, she's read none. Not one. As far as I can tell, she still hasn't made any attempt whatsoever to understand what it is she is going through, what it is doing to her and those around her, or how to make things better. For all I know, she's still just listening to this creep that wants her to throw it all away for his selfish benefit (not that he would really benefit in the long run, he's just as confused about life as she is).
Man, I am so tired of being right. I just want to be loved for a change.
Don't sweat any of this, guys. I'm just venting. I'll stay on the path (Hell, it's become natural now). I'm gonna work out, get the house ready for the boy, keep busy, and do whatever I have to do to live my life and be as happy as I can be.
I just wish we could have 1 minute of true clarity between us. It cannot happen, but I wish it nonetheless. I know it would help us all. But, as my father used to say (quite often):
"Wish in one hand and sh*t in the other, see which one fills up faster."
