Not sure anymore

[RedHeadWife]

Yep, redhead, and he's sure lucky I didn't pull out my can o' woopa$$ on him during the D sitch. He actually said at one point that one of the reasons he thought things may be ok (this was during one of our ok times) was b/c I didn't yell & scream & call him nasty names. After I quit the begging, pleading sh*t, I just was cool, calm & collected -- outwardly anyway.

I'm not real sure how I felt about seeing him. He's been gone for 2 months now. Like I said, he didn't look real hot -- really tired and pasty white. I know he hasn't been sleeping well.

One thing I've finally come to realize about my H is he seems to need a lot more 'taking care of' than most men it seems. He seems to need more constant attention and maybe even praise or something. Maybe that's his LL, not sure. Oh, the word I wanted just came to mind -- needs constant REASSURANCE. About himself, not just the R or whatever. I think he has more self-esteem issues than I ever knew. A lot of the things he said & did during the D sitch really seemed more like what a woman would say & do than a guy.

I think that may have led to his A's. He wasn't getting the constant doting that he needed and so he 'needed' to get it elsewhere. I was always a very strong personality and I guess I didn't realize when we were dating maybe I was the stronger personality. Then when we got married, maybe I felt more 'womanly' or something and wanted to feel like HE was the one taking care of me. Maybe this is what started the problems. I have a feeling I'm going to have to suck it up and carry a lot of the weight and just hope that sooner or later, I feel like maybe he's starting to 'take care of me' a little bit. I don't know if that will happen or not.

I know I still love him, but probably never will in the same way. I've come to terms w/ the things I did that led to our R problems, and wish that I knew back then what I know now, but obviously I can't change the past. I can only go from here and be the W I know I should be and need to be, however, I won't ever look at him the same, I don't think I will ever love him the same or feel the same about him. I'm hopeful that my trust issues will go away w/ time. That I will finally know that if he does cheat again, there was nothing I could do to stop that. It is his problem and maybe he can't even help himself. I'm not saying he will cheat again, but I will know if it happens again that I did everything I could to make our M a good one. I have done nothing but love & support him no matter what he has done in the past. But like I said, he's not the same person to me anymore. He's not the man I married. I have a sense of acceptance about that. I have decided to stay and make things work for our family and make things good between us and maybe it will be better than before, but it will always be different.