Sounds like you are doing really well, and You seem to have a good handle of things that are happening around you.
Like you said, the parallels in similar sitches are amazing. The difference between your W's OM and mine is that mine lives 5 minutes away.
But reading your last para in the previous post, it looks like you are doing really well. Keep it up buddy, it will get easier for you with time.
AndyV M38 W36 D7 M 13 years Together 17 years W wants D mid Dec 06 (ring off) W wants separation early Jan 07 (she backdated to Oct 06) EA revealed end March 07 (Nov 06 W first meeting with OM) Hallmark moment "I care for you but am no longer in love with you."
Whats sad, funny, disturbing is that she says "now i know what not to do in the future." - meaning this new guy, this guy the flirted with, and made himself available to my wife when she was the most unhappy will get the benefit of her new 'kinder, gentler' self.
Well, no. He won't. See, SHE didn't change anything about herself. She just threw away the problems that couples encounter during a marriage and started a fantasy relationship with a fantasy person who 'has no problems'. IN the end, the same issues will show up, the same problems. And in fact, it is usually the case that the um, 'man' that she found is just as screwed up as she is. You see, 'nice men' don't go after married women who are vulnerable emotionally.
Predators do.
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Unfortunately he lives 3 hours away, so the long distance ideal of him can live on for some time, i've read that the inlove feeling for a long distance relationship can live on much longer. (it seems like everything is stacked against me)
Everything is not stacked against YOU. This has nothing to do with you, nor is it about 'winning ' or 'losing'. It's about growing up to be the best man you can be, and maybe, just maybe, she might grow up to become a woman you could actually spend the rest of your life with. Right now she isn't even CLOSE.
The long distance means HE isn't going to be hanging on very long to the fantasy. Why would he? I'm sure there are less messed up women where he lives. Right now his ego is getting a boost because she gives him the attention he, as a loser, craves.
MY W did the same thing. Others did to. If you think the OM was going to stay home to be 'faithful' or something, think again.
This is all a fantasy. Eventually the reality of who he really is will show through once the normal problems of relationships start to show up.
Maybe when she sees it, you'll still want her back.
And in fact, it is usually the case that the um, 'man' that she found is just as screwed up as she is. You see, 'nice men' don't go after married women who are vulnerable emotionally.
Predators do.
My wife actually went after him some time after he stopped working on our house. However he flirted with her, and made himself available. A married woman with 3 kids. So I hear you. He is either a predator, or a real loser who has so little going on in his life, he wants to attach to the drama of my wife and our family being seperated.
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Everything is not stacked against YOU. This has nothing to do with you, nor is it about 'winning ' or 'losing'. It's about growing up to be the best man you can be, and maybe, just maybe, she might grow up to become a woman you could actually spend the rest of your life with. Right now she isn't even CLOSE.
The long distance means HE isn't going to be hanging on very long to the fantasy. Why would he? I'm sure there are less messed up women where he lives. Right now his ego is getting a boost because she gives him the attention he, as a loser, craves.
It has always been nice to hear people remind me that, as sometimes it is easy (and painful) to sit back and wonder if they have something that I and her didn't have. Is he really better than me? The answer is NO.
I realize more now than ever that i need to not concern myself with him. Or her either for that matter. It's just a hard realization that you come to. I will continue to work on myself, be a good father, and try to make this situation the best it can be.
Still right now we live in the same house, and with my seperation looming the reality of my family splitting up is a tough pill to swallow. It will be very tough that first night sleeping away from our home.
Ok, so I signed a lease today, and I dropped off a big check.
I brought 'my' dog with me to meet the landlord too. She is 10 1/2 years old, and i have had her since she was 6 months old after i rescued her from the humane society after she was hit by a car. Its a brand new house, so i was afraid she would decline the dog. Instead, my dog was perfect, and just laid down on the rug in the living room (the house was being staged for sale).
I am paying to have a little fence put in at the house so she can run around during the day outside, my wife has agreed to a full 50/50 split with the girls so things are good.
When i got home though from signing it, my wife asked "how did it go?" I said - "i signed the lease, and the dog is good", she replied, "did you get the keys", I said "july 15th", she replies "WHAT, 2 WEEKS, why do you have to wait 2 weeks?" I smiled and said "What, not fast enough for you?" and walked away.
Anyways. the rest of the evening was okay. I played with the girls, and we picked carrots out of my garden. My wife made some comments about the carrots, and I was replied with some subtle sexual banter, she laughed, and it became a little ongoing joke throughout the evening.
I also figured out why our wives pick the OM, because they know they don't deserve us.
I've got a lot of plans for the summer, i'm putting my life back together. Friday i'm going to see Bob Saget and getting dinner with some friends (women - and no i'm not looking to date yet) -Then I am off to San Fran on the 5th. I think i'm going to do a lot of travel once the parenting split happens. I will have the time, i just need to expand my social circle with some unmarried friends who might want to join me.
So thursday night, my wife and I sat around drinking some good beer and talking about the parenting split. We also talked about what furniture to move over to the rental house. Maybe it was the beer, but this was actually painless, and my wife and I laughed a lot, and worked thruogh it. Afterwards she came downstairs and we were talking, and she sat down in front of me, and I asked her if she wanted her shoulders rubbed. She leaned back and I ended up giving her a massage. I know she enjoyed it, and i enjoyed giving her one. We were both kind of drunk so it didn't feel awkward.
Friday afternoon, was a little hectic, so not much interaction with my wife. Then i went out friday night with friends, and had a great time. Didn't think about my situation at all.
Then Saturday, my wife had plans to go out. All day she was basically hanging around waiting to go. She left the house at 3:30 to see OM. And she came home this morning around 10:30AM. I didn't sleep well at all. None of this is new, so i'm suprised it still hurts so much. I woke up at 5am, 5:20am, 5:35am, then basically rolled around until 7:30 when i finally got up.
My girls had swimming lessons, so I got them ready early, and got them out of the house before my wife came home since i wasn't really in the mood or mindset to interact with my wife. Took them to swimming, and just brought them home so my wife could take them to a friends kids birthday party. She asked me if I wanted to go, and i declined and told them to have fun.
I don't know what to do anymore. Part of me wants to let go, part of me wants to fight harder. I guess i just need to let go. She is throwing her heart at the OM, and i'm afraid there is nothing I can do.
I'm not sure how to interact with her tonight. I am definately feeling hurt, so PMA is out the window. I need to go have some fun while they are out of the house I guess.
what kind of beer? My sitch is not as far along as yours but I know what ya mean. I keep getting yelled at to detach but I keep thinking maybe this time. BUt no. I think you did a good job declining the invite. Detaching wise at least. I would have caved in. It is nice going out huh? I have not done it in years, was "afraid" at first but each time it is easyier. I just wish detachingwas as easy. Maybe it is the beer.
Cheer up, keep busy and above all keep in touch.
Husband
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
Just dropping in to offer my support. You have made a tough decision moving out , your sitch is similar to mine. W has OM and is attempting to move out, doors wide open but shes not moving too fast. Detachment is the only way throught this in my opinion, Like my W and her cell phone last night she even takes it to the toilet with her. All I am thinking is I couldnt even be bothered looking to see who you have been messaging.
My w did the same with her Cell phone. But.... she could not take the computer with her. I just went on line to check the phone bill. I DO NOT DO THIS ANYMORE. but it does go to show how the W's are not thinking out side the box.
Husband
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
C_W - i don't know if it was the best decision, but i had to do something. I guess i felt it was time. I couldn't sit back and watch my wife pursue a relationship with another man and stay in the same house. She wasn't moving... not without a new house to move into. so, i did it.
Days like Saturday really make it hard for me to keep a good attitude and stay positive for myself and my kids.
I'll post periodically as things change in my situation, and i move into the new place.
