S14 and I went over to the house today. H and D11 were not home. I went around to the back porch thinking I would go through the boxes he's been asking me to go through. I decided to have S14 go inside and call his Dad to make sure it was okay. I did not go in but watched S14 through the window as he spoke with his Dad. When he got off the phone I asked him if his Dad had an attitude because he was calling from inside the house. He said he has a major one. We left and I just spent the last hour writing an email to H. No matter what, these things needed to be said. I tried not to be accusatory or condescending but I have ignored some things for too damn long.
Feel free to blast away after you read it.
It is perfectly understandable that you wouldn't want me in your house when you are not there and I did not go in, nor would I. I thought it might be okay for me to go through the boxes on the back porch since you have been wanting me to do that. Nevertheless, I gave S14 the key to go inside and call you and ask anyway. I was standing there on the back porch watching him talk to you and his expression told me all I needed to know. I am sure you spoke to him with the same attitude you have spoken to me with several times in the last few weeks and I don't appreciate it when it comes to him. Whether or not he's got your blood in his veins, you are his father and you have all the ability that a Dad has to crush a child. By the way, I watched you yesterday when he tried to tell you about his trip to SC. Do you know you barely looked at him while he was talking to you? It's true. You had the same disinterested look you have ALWAYS had. You just kept glancing at the TV. It wasn't MY idea to go over there after driving all day, Jeff. HE wanted "to tell Dad about" his trip. And for the most part, you acted like you didn't give a crap which is the norm way more often than not these days.
I really do understand that you have been going through a lot. That you have been in pain, you are suffering the financial repercussions of being out of work as well as the boredom and frustration of being limited as far as what you can physically do right now. I understand all that and I am sorry. It is one thing to take that out on me when I call to check on you but quite another to make S14 feel like HE is a bother and unwelcome. Again, I get that I'm not and I wouldn't go inside without you there because I respect your privacy and I have no right. He's YOUR SON though and to him that house is still like home and at 14 years old, he just doesn't really get it, you know? I am pissed that after talking to you he sat in the car waiting for me to put the boxes back and scrawl you that note because HE didn't feel welcome.
It is not anger that is fueling this email, it is hurt. I am upset on S14's behalf about today but there are other things, too.
It is really time for us to have a serious talk, Jeff. We need to talk very seriously and very soon about our family. Broken is one thing but shattered in several different directions is quite another...
I did mean what I said in the note I left on the back steps, I want you to throw everything away that is in those boxes on the back porch that is mine or that I saved. It has been made crystal clear to me on several occasions that nothing holds any sentiment to you so please just throw it all away. Throw away anything that is mine (or that I saved) in those boxes in your room, too. I will come get the rest at your convenience.
Tomorrow evening I will be stopping by to give you back the key to your house and also to bring you back your $60. You were right. I would not have made it to Durham and back on what I had so thank you. As you know, S14 wants to stay over there with you guys on the 4th. If that is in ANY way not a good idea, please consider his feelings when you tell him instead of just snapping at him and saying no. Otherwise, he'll just stay cramped up in this apartment and no, that's not your problem, but if he can come over there and get outside and also help you out with the yard, I'd appreciate it.
There's a new song out that you really should hear. Trace Adkins sings it and it's called "I Just Wanna Feel Something".
Here are the lyrics but you really need to listen to it. It reminds me so much of you that it makes me cry because I love you so much.
If you're tellin me I'm not on fire You're just preachin to the choir I've gotten dull as old barbed wire from livin Last night I watched the evening news It was the same ol nothin new It should have cut me right in two But it didn't I don't know why it didn't
But I wanna feel somethin Somethin that's a real somethin That moves me, that proves to me I'm still alive I wanna heart that beats and bleeds A heart thats bustin at the seams I wanna care, I wanna cry, I wanna scream I just wanna feel somethin
If you're tellin me thats just how it is I don't buy it cause once I was kissed By a red-headed girl with cherry lips On her porch when I was sixteen And I felt it somewhere in my soul and time stood still and I couldn't let go I can't tell you cause I dont know how I got so cold When did I get so cold?
[Chorus:] I just wanna feel somethin Somethin that's a real somethin That moves me, that proves to me I'm still alive Run my fingers through your fingers, across your face and through your hair and close my eyes...... and breathe you in like air
I just wanna feel somethin
I hate that I'm jaded and I make you cry But still you stick around me, only God knows why
Damn it all to hell, I'm done Cause I don't like what I've become
