Ah, the head shake. She typically does it when she isn't following someone arguement or logic, and it usually is accompanied with a WHAT! I have seen her do it often, she likes to debate politics, religion and the like with a lot of friends.
When she accepte the invite for a bagel and coffee it was a no brainer, and then it was all the sudden stop walking, wait WHAT? I'm sure there was some little internal debate about why is he doing this or that?
It sure is a 20/20 hindsight after reading His Needs, Her needs. I suspect I'm in a situ a lot like you. She basically carried us through a lot of school. I have more damn education then I care for, wish I could spell and write. Hmm, maybe a new hobby. I gave her everyting I thought she wanted, a nice house, cars, cash to spend, well it doesn't amount to crap when she wants a partner. Maybe the golf course and fishing hole were not such a great stress reliever.
I am in the same kind of boat. I went through grad school and worked part-time. I didn't take advantage of her. She fully supported me. I did a lot. Stop blaming yourself. Apologize for what you did and the rest is history. You can't change the past. Just learn and grow. Regarding the golfing, I am a golfer too. My W complained about this. It is crazy. There is nothing wrong with having a life and golfing is such an innocent sport!
OneWish's Story
"We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them."
Well the books arrived today, luckily I had a full day with the S and have enjoyed every minute. He wanted to see a movie and we walked about 30 minutes in because he wanted to play in the arcade. He is too little to know what any of it is, but he thinks that dance revolution game is the neatest thing this side of the Mississippi. What a time!
I have started reading tonight and think I better just keep reading until I get through it. I'll try and post, surf and read, but I have got to put my effort into these books.
Everyone keep up hope and at the very least your improving yourself for a more successful life with better relationships.
Great that you had an awesome day with S! Glad you got the book -- it is a good idea that you do your best to read through it now. I like to highlight the important parts, so consider doing that if you'd like -- it makes it easier to go back and review, I think.
Well I got through the intro and step one last night. So far a lot of insight. I did a quick read through of the first paragraphs of each chapter and the conclusions, also hit some of the highlights, just to make sure I didn't do anything I shouldn't before today.
She is hear now, outside talking to the SIL. Our "Family Date" is going well, she tried to talk about us and I didn't have a lot to say, but she has calmed a lot. She shifted out of the we need attorney's mode and said mediation would be better.
The coffee seems to say a lot so I had her drink here when she arrived and she said thanks. I gave her the card and the flowers and she said it was sweet and I got a hug! She then asked if she could take a bath and I just have happened to stock the extra bathroom with all a women needs, bubble bath, salts, etc... She then asked if she could nap in our bed and I said no problem. I took a nap on the couch and she wants to do something this evening.
So her actions are defienetly saying one thing, but her words are another. All I can gleem from it is what I have learned about myself in this and that is that words mean #$%^! and actions count.
I'm going to try and get through DR for the first run in a few days, I have to, we have too much close interaction and I can't drop the ball.
The family date in a matter of less than one hour went from fantastic to see ya later. She called her mother while we were here and mother in about 1 minutes, told her that she was breaking a committment and that at this time she was not welcome to call and come by. That I was standing up for the right thing, and that if she kept this up, I would find someone else and my priorities would shift. Hang up.
So she comes in and tells me this, I say nothing but that is sad, and I'm sure you two will be close again soon. Well the lashing starts, are you going to find a family, you probably have a girl in mind, blah, blah, blah. Finally, I just stop her: HERE IT IS! I am that stupid.
I told her, sweety I made a committment to this M and our S. I will stand for those, but after you file for divorce and time passes I will have new priorities and new committments, and I will stand for those. I don't take my promises lightly, but if we divorce I can no longer stand for you.
Well that did it, day over, pack up and they are gone. Scary thing is, the MIL is trying to call me. I let it go to VM, but she is a very determined women. I will not be surprised if she is at my doorstep one day after work this week.
I need some advice. I’m reading DR and from everything I can see, I really need to back off, be nice and affirming but it is looking like 180 and Last Resort are going to have to begin. She is making a B line to the mediation and lawyers as fast as possible.
So here it is she isn’t wearing her wedding ring. I haven’t mentioned a thing about it nor will I. My question is with technique, in GAL, 180 and the Last Resort should I be wearing my ring? Do I want to appear detached on the whole we are still married thing and I don’t want people to mistake me for a married person? Or should I continue to try and be the rock she can grab too and no matter how bad things get, I’m wearing mine because I made the commitment?
Also, I’ve never been a consistent wearer, due to activities, and it has never been an issue. So if I am wearing it one day to the next she wouldn’t think anything unless it was consistent.
I guess it really comes down to, while I’m GAL, doing a 180 and possible Last Resort which message do I send, “I’m here” or “Ya whatever babe?”
I don't see your family days as that bad. You can't control MIL, and you can't control what your W did. Now, on to what you said:
Originally Posted By: Atlas
I told her, sweety I made a committment to this M and our S. I will stand for those, but after you file for divorce and time passes I will have new priorities and new committments, and I will stand for those. I don't take my promises lightly, but if we divorce I can no longer stand for you.
Sounds reasonable. You said I want to save our R/M, but if we can't, yes, I will move on. You might have added, something like I want to save our R/M, but I do not control that completely. But no biggie. You were honest, and if she didn't already know this she needed to hear it.
Originally Posted By: Atlas
Well that did it, day over, pack up and they are gone.
So she get mad, That's her issue. This may end up helping you, and I don't think you should have lied about it. Maybe you could have not answered it, but it sounded pretty darn direct. I guess you might have said, I haven't thought that far in the future, or I don't know. But you sure as hell couldn't say, yes, I will always be waiting here for you, I will never move on, even after you leave me, divorce me, marry another man, have another family and die.
Originally Posted By: Atlas
Scary thing is, the MIL is trying to call me. I let it go to VM, but she is a very determined women. I will not be surprised if she is at my doorstep one day after work this week.
I'd probably try to take it easy with MIL. She may hurt your cause if she pushes to much. You might tell her: "MIL, I love your D and I am willing to do everything I can to save this M, but she needs some time and space to do some thinking, and pushing her right now, and trying to make her see, is just going to cause her to dig her heels in and defend herself. It's going to make her more determined to prove that what she is feeling and doing are right. I think we all need to give her some space and time. For me, I know I made some mistakes in the past, and I helped contribute to this mess, so I am using this opportunity to focus on my role in this this, improving myself, and trying to become the person/husband/father I want to be. I do appreciate your concern and support, but I think W needs to figure this out for herself. If she wants our help and advice, she'll ask for it."
What do you think?
M 39 W 39 M'd 10 yrs; T 14 yrs S7 D4 Bomb 5-8-05 W not working on M 1-22-07; EA 2-22 DB 4-10 S 6-11 No more C Link
So here it is she isn’t wearing her wedding ring. I haven’t mentioned a thing about it nor will I. My question is with technique, in GAL, 180 and the Last Resort should I be wearing my ring? Do I want to appear detached on the whole we are still married thing and I don’t want people to mistake me for a married person? Or should I continue to try and be the rock she can grab too and no matter how bad things get, I’m wearing mine because I made the commitment?
Also, I’ve never been a consistent wearer, due to activities, and it has never been an issue. So if I am wearing it one day to the next she wouldn’t think anything unless it was consistent.
I guess it really comes down to, while I’m GAL, doing a 180 and possible Last Resort which message do I send, “I’m here” or “Ya whatever babe?”
Your choice, but if you consider yourself married and still want to be married I'd wear the ring. In my mind, taking it off won't bring her back to you and it might piss her off or make her think you have given up, are moving on, or are just being mean. Wear it because you want to wear it, and don't think about it anymore.
Hope it helps, Nomopo
M 39 W 39 M'd 10 yrs; T 14 yrs S7 D4 Bomb 5-8-05 W not working on M 1-22-07; EA 2-22 DB 4-10 S 6-11 No more C Link
