Character, Faith, and Patience IIII (I think!)

[JR2007]

That is such a great attitude! If it isn't MLC, than what is it? I'm still trying to figure this stuff out.

BamBam,

As I briefly mentioned, it's fear of going back to what was going on in our marriage. It's like buying a car - you have a favorite make so you keep buying them. Then you get a lemon and it makes your life miserable trying to keep it running properly. You get rid of it and swear to never go back to that make for fear of getting another lemon, despite all the good experiences you had with that make prior to that one example. You become afraid to take a chance because you've allowed the one bad experience to supercede all the good experiences, even though you really like that make of car.

My W is so scared that things will be like they were that she's having a hard time remembering the good times and thinking we can have great times together again. I was a jerk - not on purpose, but I was - no point arguing it. I didn't listen to her, I talked her into letting me do whatever I wanted - despite the fact that some of the things made her really uncomfortable (like the huge amounts of money I spent on my cars, for instance - the debt was a huge burden to her, but it didn't bother me at all because we never missed a bill, etc. I didn't take her FEELINGS into consideration at all.) I got into things I shouldn't have to try to create some excitement in my life that I thought was missing. I didn't tell her about some of these things because I knew she'd disapprove. I didn't cheat (I would NEVER even consider it), I didn't do anything illegal, just stupid things I should have never been doing, and I'll leave it at that. When I told her (she asked, and I never lied to my wife so I told her truthfully when she asked) she felt betrayed and let down. She said our trust was gone. Not necessarilly over the things I was doing but the fact that I didn't tell her. And instead of giving her time to work things out for herself, I pressured her into getting over it on MY timeframe. She said she forgave me, but that was obviously just to get me off her back, as the things she mentioned in the D papers proved she had very much NOT forgiven me. I didn't get it, bottom line.

Anyway, enough back story - I'm tired of dwelling on the past. The present is, she is scared, she told me so in no uncertain terms. There is nothing I can say to help her not be scared, so we wait on her to decide if she can take a chance or not. We have to be able to spend some time together so she can see the changes in me are real, but she's not ready (again, I don't get that, but I guess it's not for me to get) She said a lot of positive things in our last meeting (3 weeks ago already) and I really thought we were moving forward. Well, we are but at a snail's pace. That's what she needs though, so OK. She also has things to work out on her own, that she hasn't decided to share with me. That'll be an interesting part of our healing, when she decides to share all that with me. To her, I'm to blame 100% right now, even though that's never the case in a D.

So, it's a decision-making process that unfortunately she is going through with a lot of negative influence from her "friends." So it's hard when you hear bad things all day long every day and then only see your husband 2 times in 3 months, you know? I'd say that is the key to the delays. Shoot after our first meeting with the Pastor about 6 weeks ago, she told her "friend" that is would be easier to get back together, that I have this great new job, that I've changed, that I'm in great shape, etc. The "friend" told her it was a moment of weakness and talked her out of her feelings. I could be back with my W right now if it wasn't for this "friend." Now, my W doesn't make decisions based on other people's opinions, but it does make it harder for her to move when she has SO many people telling her to do something she knows isn't right. So that is definitely a cause for all the delay. When we meet and talk, we connect! She felt good after both meetings because I listened and understood. But without being able to do that more often, the good feelings fade away in the 3 weeks between meetings and it makes it hard to get things rolling...

I've been hoping the Pastor would provide some additional positive influence (he's been in our two meetings with us) but it appears that isn't even happening, I haven't heard from him in 3 weeks either. So, while I'm doing what I can for me, this is truly in God's hands now, as he is the only one it appears that can touch my W's heart to influence her to save her family.

So, that got long-winded but maybe it gives you an idea of where my W is, and I think it's she same for several people in here - definitely 789 and probably Jazz too. I'd have to look up your situation to see if you're similar.