The weekend went pretty well, after H's mental health day, we had a busy weekend and he was in a good mood for pretty much all of it. He hasn't been sleeping well, but his job has been very stressfull and also he has been exercising a lot and his body is hurting off and on, so I think that all combined to make him in need of a day off. I think it was good that I was gone, I didn't hang in his face and he did what he wanted and I did what I had planned and wanted to do.
My birthday is this week, nervous about that. Lower my expectations right.
Missing the closeness and intimacy and just the general touching and such very much right now. I would like to discuss it with H, but feel like that would be pushing and also I don't want to hear bad news. I need to remember patience and work on me. Focus focus focus
This is hard work
Me 41 H 42 DD 11 DS 8 M 18 bomb 8/3/06 separating 9/18/08
today is my birthday, H didn't sleep well the last 2 nights so he is very flat, but I did get a hug and kiss on the cheek this morning as he left. I guess that is a gift in itself, really want more, have to be patient. have to be patient, have to remember it is not all about me.
so we'll see how the rest of the day goes
Me 41 H 42 DD 11 DS 8 M 18 bomb 8/3/06 separating 9/18/08
H got me a sapphire and diamond bracelet, not a hugely expensive one, but it is so pretty. He knows how much I like to get jewelry. We went out to dinner, had a few hugs and couple cheek kisses. little hug goodbye this morning, feels closer anyway.
my gf said 40 is the me decade, and I am going to adopt that to some extent, time to take really good care of me
Me 41 H 42 DD 11 DS 8 M 18 bomb 8/3/06 separating 9/18/08
Yesterday H ran a race and the kids and I went down and watched. I got a quick kiss on the lips, yes I said lips when we left to go find a place to watch, I said good luck and was going to kiss him on the cheek and it became lips, his move, not mine.
Then last night we were sitting in the family room, and I told him he had to take off his bandana because I couldn't talk to him that way, he looked so sexy. He asked why and I told him why. I then left it alone, he took it off before I told him why, but didn't put it back on :-(
Later I said I hope what I said was okay, just needed to answer your question, and then left it alone. I think I should not have said that last bit, but I am human and mess up occasionally.
Feels like good steps, hope so. opinions?
Me 41 H 42 DD 11 DS 8 M 18 bomb 8/3/06 separating 9/18/08
Had a discussion with H last night set off by our DD not getting her homework done. H was feeling like he had yet another responsibility to call and check and make sure I was pushing her to do her homework. We talked it out, let each other know how we feel, I think I did an okay job of stating my feelings. He wants me to say YEAH WE ARE GOING TO DO THIS, and I can only say I will try my best. I don't know why that isn't good enough, I discussed that he is a routine person and I am a fly by the seat of my pants person, so when I say I will try, I mean it, but it is going against my nature. I hope that clarified the issue for him some.
I dont' know. He came home in a bit of a mood because he had a tough day at work, so I suppose this just added to that stress and made him feel like the whole day he is just pushed to keep on top of everything. I let it go and let him simmer down. I will try harder to be more vigilant about her homework and getting it done right after school. See to me that is torture, they just had a full day of school and why would I push them to do more school work, to him it is get it done and be free the rest of the time. I honestly think we both have a point, but in the interest of my marriage I will try and follow his way of thinking.
seems like you have a good day (saturday) and then everything gets cool again, don't want to go too fast you know. I still feel like they test something out and then recoil. Cat's post about benefit of the doubt was great. I need to keep that in mind, there was no A, but just the idea that we should not presume to read their minds, that is very important.
Feeling pretty alone today.
Me 41 H 42 DD 11 DS 8 M 18 bomb 8/3/06 separating 9/18/08
H told me before I left for work on Thursday morning that he is feeling better about our relationship, that was as much as he said, but I feel like it is a good step.
patience patience
Me 41 H 42 DD 11 DS 8 M 18 bomb 8/3/06 separating 9/18/08
You know this is so frustrating, I feel like we make progress, am maybe gaining a little momentum and then zilch, or worse back sliding. This is truly hard, I want so much to feel normal about our R, but I don't want to push, I don't want to blow it. I don't bring it up, don't talk about my feelings, I just wait and wait and wait. I have been in such a funk all week, I know that I am responsible and that it is my job to take care of that and so forth, but it sure would be nice to have a shoulder to lean on. I feel like most of my support has dried up. My phone people have moved on, or are very busy right now, my Mom has been driving me crazy. No one replies to me here. I think my friends are tired of hearing about it when we are together. Mostly I have no one to discuss this with. I guess I need to just write more, always helps to get my feelings down. I seem to process them a bit more in that way.
I just feel very alone and sad, I miss my relationship and my partner, the one who loved me. I miss me feeling relaxed and happy.
Me 41 H 42 DD 11 DS 8 M 18 bomb 8/3/06 separating 9/18/08
Still riding the rollercoaster. We had a mini fight about something fairly insignificant, I was upset, but agreed to work harder on the problem, it ended up with H giving me a kiss and saying we will work this out.
I have been thinking about going off my antidepressants, but I realized yesterday that I was really irritable so that makes me think I need to go back on them, I had been off for nearly a week. Restarted today, I think I just need a little smoothing over for a while longer, and that is okay, I am not on a huge dose and not having side effects so what is the harm.
H has been busy this week, we both have really, I am feeling like we need to have a R conversation, but I am not going to bring it up, I think that is the wise course in this case. I am still sad about the lack of intimacy and "team" feeling going on. We are united on several things but there isn't that buddy buddy you lean on me I'll lean on you kind of thing. I guess it just takes time, and lots and lots of time. sigh.
Still feeling alone in the jungle so to speak. Looking forward to my counseling session next week just to have someone give me some feedback.
Me 41 H 42 DD 11 DS 8 M 18 bomb 8/3/06 separating 9/18/08
We leave in the morning for a week long camping trip. Hope it goes well. We generally vacation well together, so I am pretty confident that we will have a nice relaxing time.
Still trying to remain patient and not focus on the lack of imtimacy. I am a touchy person with those I love, and I really really miss this part of our relationship. It is very hard to be patient all the time.
I am also dissappointed with the lack of support I am getting. I know my posts get read because the views number climbs, but I am sad that no one has anything to say to me. sigh, tried to be subtle but that got no responses so there I am putting it out there.
Me 41 H 42 DD 11 DS 8 M 18 bomb 8/3/06 separating 9/18/08
I was feeling a rather miffed at the lack of response to my last thread. However, I am not here to please a click, I am here to help myself and my marriage, and if all this is for me is an opportunity to journal so be it. It is disappointing to be sure, but I feel there may still be some value.
So we had a lovely vacation, very relaxed. I am doing my best to be supportive and not pushing, which in and of itself is a different person. I am impatient, but keeping it to myself, and trying not to dwell. Have been very busy with the house, getting this one ready to sell and making selections for the new one. I am keeping to my plan of hands off stuff that is or should be Jon's cup of tea, in fact I think I surprised him the other day and said something was totally his world and I had no opinion. He will continue to talk to me about some of the stuff, but I don't try and control where it is going or what is happening.
I am also asking him if he has an opinion on something rather than constantly talking about towel bars or some such thing, I ask if he cares, I might show him in the end but not the process. He feels I am an obsessive shopper, and I admit I do shop for things a lot, he is a buyer, he will shop when he is ready to buy.
Not doing very well focusing on myself, I think I need to call my centering friend and have her give me a kick in the pants, need to get my focus back on taking care of myself instead of worrying about something I have no control over, I do have control over myself. Hmmmm definitely something to ponder there.
Had a sucky couple weeks at work, also need to put that past me. I am bigger than that and need to focus on what I am there for, not the petty musings of a few small minded people.
Kids are doing great, although they miss H when he is gone, and he has been really busy between his dad and work the past few weeks. Patience again, weather the storm, persevere.
Me 41 H 42 DD 11 DS 8 M 18 bomb 8/3/06 separating 9/18/08
