My XH seems to get close at times--calls everyday for awhile and then pulls away for awhile. Makes comments that he wants to move back with me and our son, but then other times acts like that is the furthest thing from his mind. Sometimes he gives me a hug and kiss when he leaves, other times, he just leaves. The thing is that I really don't act any different so I don't think it's a response to what I'm doing. I act friendly, smile, am happy when we're together, etc. No R talk, mostly chit chat--work, son, etc. Is this normal? Today he gave me money from garage sale he had--none of the stuff was mine that he sold. Any reasons for that? Usually he says he'll call me when he leaves, today he didn't say anything like that. I know I can't try to analyze every little thing and to do that is pointless, but things seemed to be going so well and today--not so well.
Is this part of MLC--though I'm not totally convinced my XH is in MLC. He fits some of it, but not other things. Not that it matters. He made a comment to me on the phone the other day (it was a long conversation--probably the longest one since he's left and we've been D). His comment was, "maybe I should be going to AA meetings". Not sure what that was supposed to mean. I know he's been going out to bars and partying, but I didn't think it was a problem. Is he questioning himself? Is that good?
Oh yeah--one more thing. Asked if we (son & I) have plans for the 4th of July. Didn't really respond when I told them what they were. He said he was thinking of spending it on the lake but wasn't sure since it was probably going to be crowded. I didn't ask him to join us--was that the right thing to do? I really don't care if he does join us--I just didn't want to be the one to do the inviting again.
You did good as far as not inviting him....and yes, to me it seems he is questioning himself. There is not a pinpoint map to figuring out MLC in someone by just a few acts......I think you should just keep doing the things that you are doing and not be as available as you have been lately.
I'll tell you what....the more he DOESN'T know what you are doing....the more he will pursue you! Honestly....married or not, the more a guy doesn't know about his girl, the more it eats at him and it seems he still has feelings of care for you....otherwise he wouldn't bother with half of the things he is showing towards you.
I guess I needed some reassurance--thanks for your help. I heard that same advice from someone yesterday--the more unavailable you are, the more he will pursue you. I just have a hard time believing that actually is how it works! Can't hurt to try it, right? I'll let you know what happens!
I hear you on the whole pulling back will cause WAS to pursue. I think this is likely a more powerful tool for women than for men (IMO). I've been pulling back a lot, but don't feel like W is too concerned either way. I did read somewhere on a recent post that the WAS begins getting curious once they really feel that the LBS has completely detached and is moving on. Also, they don't want you to get taken by someone else IF they see you've been making great changes and see that you're a great catch. This is an intimidating concern in their mind. Pulling back is what may be necessary before H will consider really coming back to work on the M. If he makes a move toward this, make sure that you don't leap at the opportunity. Kind of stick your toes in the water to let him know that you are leery about his sincere efforts. Read through some of Nomopo'S recent thread on the castle analogy he got from his DB coach -- very telling and helpful, I think!
In the meantime, work on being the kind of person you want to be and that H would love to come back too. Stay consistent with these changes so he will see them as static and there to stay.
Agreed....but I am telling you....the less available you are....the more he is going to chase you. And looking better....feeling better....and having a positive attitude when you encounter him will start to drive him to the point of almost pestering you like when you guys first met......can you remember that far back?
I am pulling back--I don't plan on answering the phone if he calls. I don't have to worry about my son answering because he's hardly ever here! The only time it might be a problem is at work since I don't feel like telling everyone to tell him I'm not available. He rarely calls me there, but will probably try if he can't get a hold of me any other way. The good thing is that I only have to work Mon. and Tues. and then I'm off the rest of the week and next week.
If he shows any interest--and I have my doubts about this--I don't plan on doing much of anything. I'm so tired of the lies and his game playing that I don't even know if I care anymore. Sometimes I think you reach a point where you just give up and finally realize they are not the person you married and you just don't want them any more. Which is ironic since that realization usually leads them to make a serious effort, at least that's what I gather from reading other's posts.
I just have a really hard time with his treatment of our son. I just don't understand how he's able to live with himself when he doesn't talk to our son for a week and when he has a chance to spend time with him--he chooses to spend it with the OW (who he claims is just a friend--"we're not together as a couple, but we do things together"). Does he think I'm that stupid?
It's late. I need some sleep--the rollercoaster ride has made me very tired today. Thanks for your words of encouragement--I really appreciate them. All I can do is work on myself, so that's what I'm going to do. Have a good night.
I'll give it a try--I don't want to be available right now anyway because I don't think I could have a positive attitude and that would serve no purpose right now. Yes, I can remember how he pestered me when we first met--that's why I'm having such a hard time with him saying that he wants us to be together. He says the words, but there is no action. I know how it was when we first met and he doesn't act like that now. That's what is so hard to understand about this--why say it at all--why say you want us to be together when you're not willing or able to act like it? Why not just let it be over?
Thanks for answering my post. I really appreciate it. I'll let you know how this works out, but I'm not expecting much!
I decided to get off the merry-go-round today and I can't tell you how good it feels! Thanks to everyone here for their words of wisdom--I didn't get a lot of posts, but I know you're with me in spirit!
