She is asking about a legal separation. What sense does that make with her only making $80 a week? I asked her if she thought we should wait until she had a regular job so we could split up the finances evenly. She said she didn't know and that she was waiting to talk to someone and get the information.
Where is the line between helping and being a doormat?
Do you almost always go along with what your partner wants? Then ask yourself, "Why do I do this"? What would change if I started to get what I want?
We all know relationships where one person says, "Whatever you want is OK with me". Is this you? Are you happy with this position, or do you often feel angry and resentful?
What do you do if you are in this kind of relationship? Talk to your partner about it. Ask how they feel when you are passive. Just this brief discussion will lead to change. If you are usually passive, then try to do things differently once in a while. Tell your partner what you would like when they ask.
There are three simple steps you can take to change this situation. First become aware of the way you and your partner are together. Is one person dominant and the other passive? Is it almost always this way? Then, talk it over with your partner so you are both aware of the situation. First talk about it, and then ask each other if that is what you both want. Maybe it is. But if it isn't, then make an agreement to change things around. Just a little at first, then more as time goes by. The first step, awareness, is the most important. Once you and your partner are willing to be aware of the situation, it will probably change for the better all on its own. Then discussion, followed by action. You really can change the way you are together!
OneWish's Story
"We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them."
She is asking about a legal separation. What sense does that make with her only making $80 a week? I asked her if she thought we should wait until she had a regular job so we could split up the finances evenly. She said she didn't know and that she was waiting to talk to someone and get the information.
That is the problem. She is not thinking. Stop arguing with her. Would you rather have a legal separation or a D? You sound a lot like I was until recently, letting my W have ALL of the control and asking her what to do. It is time for you to start to think about what you want and make statements to her about what you want. Then negotiate. Stop asking her if we should do this or that. She loses respect for you. A man doesn't ask his wife what should he do. I am guilt of this myself. Now that I am telling my W what I want, she is open to talking about it and it seems to be working. I feel more in control of my life and less wussy.
You have to start asking for what you want. Ask first for something big, if she says, no ask for something small. You can ask her 1st if you can live together and work on your marriage. If she says no, then ask her if she will commit to a weekend at [url=www.retrouvaille.org]Retrouvaille[/url]. If she says no, then ask if she would be willing to see a counselor for a few sessions to help sort out both of your emotions so that you can both make a sound decision. Tell her that you will pay and also tell her that you both have nothing to lose. Ask her to think about it for a week with her heart and head and then get back to you. You need to start trying different thing to get new results.
OneWish's Story
"We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them."
I have asked for what I wanted. Pretty much in the exact order you stated. Since we are both in the same house, I asked if we could work on the M. She said no. We were seeing a counselor. She no longer wants to go.
At the present moment she is not thinking about working on the M. She is intent of separation. She has started moving her stuff upstairs. She asked about how we should set visitation once she moves out. I don't know. I figure as long as she can't move out yet, I can work on this. My goal is to not get defeated by what she says and just my goal going. It gets hard. She says some things that are hurtful, but I try to let it go.
I did the research on Retrouvaille. They have a session close enough to drive to next month. I don't believe she will want to go. She says she is finished with the marriage. She will not continue to work on it. So it would seem counterproductive if i am to not pressure her into anything marriage wise, and then I ask to go away for the weekend to get help for the marriage.
I am just going to try to be nice right now. No M talk. No future talk. No instigating. No nothing. Just let her be right now. Care when she is around, don't care when she is not.
Last night or this morning, depending on how you look at it, I am asleep on the couch. The W comes and wakes me up and says she has feeling 'in the mood' for a while. She starts it by saying, 'I know this isn't a good idea but...'. She says, 'I will give you some time to think about it'. I think about for about 5-10 minutes and then i go into the bedroom. It is awkward getting started because I fell like I don't know what to do. We do it. She asks me if I am going to 'finish'. I said I was waiting on you to 'finish'. She says she doesn't think she is going to 'finish'. I ask if she is sure. She says yes, but do I want to. I say I am okay. I ask ask her if she is okay, she says she is. I put my clothes back on and go back to the couch.
Did I handle this right? I keep telling myself I did, but I need some opinions. This is the same W who told me before she used to cry afterwards. That it has never been good with me. Is that the 50% talking? I feel okay though. Not excited about it. Not depressed.
I told the W today that I was going to give her a full body massage tonight when she got home. She smiled. She didn't say anything, just smiled. I don't know if it's too much. I am going to run a bath for her and then give her the massage when she gets ready.
I told the W today that I was going to give her a full body massage tonight when she got home. She smiled. She didn't say anything, just smiled. I don't know if it's too much. I am going to run a bath for her and then give her the massage when she gets ready.
Good idea or bad?
Well she didn't say no, if she wants it when she gets home give her a massage and don't expect anything in return. That's showing her you love her without saying it!
I can't remember and don't have time to go back and look, but does she have someone else in mind that she wants to get involved with?
Me: 37 WAW: 31 M: 6 Years No Kids BOMB: 9/4/06 D: 9/16/07 my sitch
She said she doesn't want to get involved with someone else. She just doesn't want to be with me. And who knows, when she gets here, she may just eat, call her friend, and then go to bed.
I gave the W a full body massage last night. It didn't seem awkward and I had no expectations. I was just trying to do something nice for her. She was receptive. She asked me why I was being nice to her. I told her just because. I gave her the massage and a happy ending and then she initiated the sex. I started to say we shouldn't, but I couldn't resist. It didn't feel awkward at all.
After we were finished, I asked her if she was okay, she said yes and asked me the same. I said I was fine. I then got up, got dressed, and came back to the couch.
I thought this morning may have been a little weird, but when i went to wake her up she smiled at me. She then told me her plans for the day, got dressed and left. A step at a time.
