C_K - I checked the blackberry throughout our visits.
SD - Rethinking the convo with SIL, I agree with holding off. I think the convo you propose is about as well as you could try to handle it if you do decide to do it, but it's a bit too risky in my mind no matter how you handle it. I think this differs from what I said Thursday at my house, but I was still in a hangover fog at that point.
Talk to you soon! Nomopo
M 39 W 39 M'd 10 yrs; T 14 yrs S7 D4 Bomb 5-8-05 W not working on M 1-22-07; EA 2-22 DB 4-10 S 6-11 No more C Link
Mopo, I am still contemplating whether/if to call SIL, but definitely won't bring up my concerns about W. I do want her to know that I appreciate her support for our family and that I am not closed off to her/mad, etc. Maybe just send an email?
SD
Me 41 W 41 Kids: S9 S7 Married 16 years Bomb dropped 2/2/07 Still living together! current thread
Journaling: I have decided to just detach from the entire soap opera. I have not spoken about anything with W over the past few days other than small talk and to ask her about her plans for summer vacation with the kids. We are back on to go to Texas for about 4 weeks, with my overseas business trip taking about 2 weeks of it. It will start in 2 or 3 weeks, but still no action on her part. Hmmmm... seems to be consistant there, anything requiring HER to take action does not happen.
A couple of weird things have happened over the past few days which are worth noting. 1. She made ME dinner on Wed. while I was with the kids at karate, even though the kids had already eaten and she decided to eat a PIECE OF CAKE instead of dinner. The meal was very nice and I thanked her and told her she did not have to do that, I could have picked up a wrap at the gym. She did not really answer when I said this (twice since I thought she did not hear me the first time) 2. She has been keeping herself busy with friends/play dates during the days (and also this evening), but is generally very quiet and sullen in the evenings. Not sure if this is directed towards me, or just a general sign of being tired. 3. She has been spending less time on the computer of late. Maybe she is getting her OM time during the day? Or maybe this is fizzling out? Could be related to her lack of a plan for going on vacation???
Anyway, I am totally in the dark as to her plan for a next step. No talk of training/getting a job in FL, no talk of changing her mind about going back to TX. Also, her ticket was for this week to go there for the job she did not take. The last time I spoke to her about changing the ticket, she gave me the "I'm a big girl and can take care of myself" talk, so I did not bring it up again.
Not sure what to make of all this, but I am just living my life and letting her do the same. No real DBing going on directly, just getting a life and seeing where it all takes us.
After reading Stillme's ruminations on her sitch, I am also wondering if I should not start the "non-dating" to see how she reacts. I definitely have felt the lack of RESPECT for a long time and realize that I should not have let it go, but rather let her know how unacceptable it was and DEMANDED the respect that I deserve. I see now that this was the begining of the end when I did not stand up for myself.
Otherwise, everything is on even keel (for now).
Ciao Belli, SD
Me 41 W 41 Kids: S9 S7 Married 16 years Bomb dropped 2/2/07 Still living together! current thread
We are back on to go to Texas for about 4 weeks, with my overseas business trip taking about 2 weeks of it.
Looking forward to hooking up!
Originally Posted By: SuperDad
I thanked her and told her she did not have to do that, I could have picked up a wrap at the gym. She did not really answer when I said this (twice since I thought she did not hear me the first time)
Why did you say this?
Originally Posted By: SuperDad
Not sure if this is directed towards me, or just a general sign of being tired.
Who knows. I know you know this, but ignore.
Originally Posted By: SuperDad
No real DBing going on directly, just getting a life and seeing where it all takes us.
Why is there real no DBing going on? I know this is conscious on your part, but can you explain why inaction (other than GALing, which is great) is your plan?
Originally Posted By: SuperDad
After reading Stillme's ruminations on her sitch, I am also wondering if I should not start the "non-dating" to see how she reacts.
In light of your last answer, why would you do this but no other DB strategy?
Hasta Luego Amigo! MoPo
M 39 W 39 M'd 10 yrs; T 14 yrs S7 D4 Bomb 5-8-05 W not working on M 1-22-07; EA 2-22 DB 4-10 S 6-11 No more C Link
Hi MoPo, Thanks for checkin' in. I actually used some of your comments at my IC session today, very helpful, thanks! To respond:
Originally Posted By: MoPo
Originally Posted By: SD
I thanked her and told her she did not have to do that, I could have picked up a wrap at the gym. She did not really answer when I said this (twice since I thought she did not hear me the first time)
Why did you say this?
I was so surprised that my WAW had cooked dinner for just me and at nice one at that, I really wanted to express my gratitude. Really, this kind of freaked me out. Think about how you would feel if you came home on one of your days in the house and your W had taken off and made you dinner, how would you respond? I talked about this with the IC, of the many possible explanations, we agreed that the most obvious one is that she was feeling guilty and tried to assuage her guilt by doing something nice for me.
Originally Posted By: MoPo
Originally Posted By: SD
No real DBing going on directly, just getting a life and seeing where it all takes us.
Why is there real no DBing going on? I know this is conscious on your part, but can you explain why inaction (other than GALing, which is great) is your plan?
1. I am tired of the whole soap opera and just want to get on with my life. She can either follow or not. 2. I want her to have to take some action in ANY direction. I think this is important for her to feel that she has control over HER life and that I am not somehow manipulating her to do something that she does not want to do. (Be with me, be a stay at home mom, sit around and drink wine and eat bon-bons all day ;), WHATEVER!)
As far as the "non-dating" goes, this is appealing as an experiment, just to see if she really gives a damn anymore or not. As much as I would like to know the answer to this, I am very hesitant to go down this path, because it is such a slippery slope. Especially to go out with a hot, smarty-pants babe like Stillme could just me more than I could resist.
Me 41 W 41 Kids: S9 S7 Married 16 years Bomb dropped 2/2/07 Still living together! current thread
This non action is something I am enduring right now. My W was moving out , had a place to go to and everything. I have organised time off work but 2 days later and W's still here has not spoken to kids ( because they need to know ) done nothing! I am with you , I am tired and want to go forward as well .
Dave, Weird, wild and wacky stuff! All what you can do is detach and get on with your life. She will either follow or move away. SD
Journaling: Past few days have been relatively uneventful. After 3 nights in a row of watching Copa America and drinking beer with the guys, I needed a break on Friday, so only went for a short run in the a.m. and made no plans for the evening. I had to take a day trip for work and wasn't sure when I would get home, so in the a.m., I asked W if she would like to order in pizza for dinner. She was happy about this as it makes dinner plans much easier for her (one of my goals also is to initiate ordering in or going out to dinner since this was a point of contention in the past).
I got home relatively early (texted her when I was an hour away from home). She and the kids came in just after I arrived and we ordered pizza. She opened a bottle of wine and we sat together in the living room while the kids played outside. Just a normal, friendly convo. We ate together in the dining room with the kids in the breakfast room watching TV. Put on some music and had a pleasant dinner. Finished off the bottle of wine .
After dinner, I decided to go "welcome the neighbors home from their vacation." To which W replied "Whatever!"
She and they have been rather distant since they found out about her WAW behavior. I went over by myself and their DD6 wanted to play with our S6, so we sent her back to our house. I talked with them for a few minutes, their daughter comes back to get some toys, the W goes over to join my W, and then all of them come back next door. We all sit around and chat, look at pictures from their vacation, etc.
All in all, if you did not know that she was a WAW and living in the guest room, you would think that we were happily married!!
I see a lot of baby steps here:
1. I continue to follow through on my goals, esp. in changing past behavior which caused flare ups in our R. 2. W continues to want to spend time with me, even to the point of coming over to the neighbor's who she has been trying to avoid. 3. I am lovingly detached and it is giving W opportunities to (a) spend some time away from me and (b) pursue me.
Still no hint that she is feeling attracted to me as more than a friend nor that she wants to work on our R, but still good stable times in our household.
A few other points: 1. I met with IC yesterday. He asked me to always look to the simplest possible explanation for W's behavior (i.e. - do not assume that she is doing things to get the edge in a future D, etc. unless this is the simplest explanation).
2. My mom sent W a letter saying that she is sorry that we are having difficult times in our R, but that she appreciates what a good mom (and DIL) my W is and that my parents welcome us all to stay with them when we are in TX. She also offered to take the kids for a while or do anything else that W would like to help out. Not sure if this is a good thing or a bad one. W has not mentioned it, but left out the opened letter with other mail for me to go through.
3. DBing worked great on neighbor's W. When I first showed up, she was venting about how my W is a nut case, that she just needs a dose of reality to wake up, and that she cannot believe that she is living in the guest room. I let her go on for a bit, validated her feelings, and then said that W needs some space and time to work out her issues. She is not trying to hurt anyone and I am happy to be "separated" while living in the same house as my kids. After I showed this support for W, neighbor's W calmed WAY down and a few minutes later went over to our house with her DD. As mentioned above, we all ended up spending an hour or so together after this. AMAZING!!
SD
Me 41 W 41 Kids: S9 S7 Married 16 years Bomb dropped 2/2/07 Still living together! current thread
(just running around trying to play catch-up for the most part, so that's all I'm gonna say for now -- except:
Quote:
Especially to go out with a hot, smarty-pants babe like Stillme could just me more than I could resist.
ACKKKK!!!! - and you'll have to get behind the twenty-stinkin-ONE year old who wanted my # last night!! LOLOLOLOL!
Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.
Me: 45 - WAH: 36 S8; D6 M: 11 yrs 07/06 Initial Bomb 10/06; D Bomb 11/06 - DBing begun 1/5/07 - H moved out 03/16/07 To date: No papers filed; H not seen a L; trying to convince me to MUTUALLY file for D
.