Success and Some Insights for the Separated

[doingmybest]

Preserve. Wow. Powerful stuff man. Your advice to everyone on this board has been right on. I'm very happy for you that your efforts have paid off. I'd appreciate any feedback or input from you on my posts. The OM, frustration, anger, anxiety, etc. regretfully motivated me to write my WAW a sh#t or get off the pot letter in March. Until then I'd been completely hands off for 10 months. A few discussions afterwards about selling the house, moving etc. ensued but since then I've said nada. I've not gotten any papers and I'm not going to do anything for now. Like I said, any of your feeback would be most welcome.

[conlem]

Well here gos

I was looking for a site that dealt with men having wives going through midlife crises this is the first I've found. Congratulations to all of you who have made it through this most trying time of your life. And to those who are just beginning hang on because its going to be a rough ride that your probably not going to like.

My story is long and one that I could elaborate on for quite a long time and probably not of interest to some but if I could get some encouragement/answers to some of my fellings/questions maybe it will be of help to others as well for I know I'm not alone.

In Feb 2003 my wife of then 18 years said she had a bad pap smear and had to go in for more tests. (She had previous been diagnosed with cervical cancer cells twice before 5 years apart both times resulting in out patience surgery with no ill effects.) My reaction as I recall was OK lets go into this one day of surgery get it taken care of no big deal. I was trying at the same time deal with financial issues as my business had a bad year and slow time was fast approaching. I didn't think that I was more concerned about money over her but she sure perceived it as such. That is when my ordeal started. Soon after that is when I got the big "life is to short and I don't know if I want to spend the rest of my life with you" speech. That was without a doubt the sadest day in my life. Only to be followed with more sad days to come.

I always viewed my family came first business was second as we have three children the oldest graduating June of 2003. I had been the dad who helped with work needed to be done around the house doing my share of cooking and cleaning as she worked as much as I did. We both were very active in all of our kids after school activities and helping coach baseball & football. A lot of the time she went one direction and I the other so at least one of us would be there for our chrildrens activities. Well enough of the good dad act as I think you get the just of it all. As we never really fought or argued to any great extent and I was happy with being a family man.

Anyway back to the ordeal her tests revealed that her cancer had been a little more servere than the two prior. She deceided to go it alone and not have me involved in any way. Her communication with me faded to almost nothing acting as if I never existed. She had move out of the bedroom never to return. Her treatments of chemo & radiation lasted through the summer never allowing me in any part of her life. She came and went as she pleased continued working all through those treatments. If there was something I needed to know it was transfered to me through the children. I wanted to leave but deceided to stay and see her through her cancer. She had four treatment about a month apart which made her sick for about two days. In between treatments she was doing as much things as she could squeeze in. Which included many self improvement items such as new clothes, working out at Curves, frequent trips to the local tanning salon, and a the purchase of a new converitable.

WhenI got suspicious I got nosy and I found phone cell phone recordes showing numberous calls to one number. I called and AM answered saying they were just friends trying to work through her problems. He then call her saying I had called him. That is when I was confronted by her for prying in her personal business. Letters from two different divorce lawyers with pelimeniary D papers soon arrives. Nothing happens and the papers sit but OM still is "taking". Then money starts to disappear from personal account. I reluctantly bail the personal account out by financing a company vehicle. After asking help from bank president she goes out and gets her own account from another bank.

After going to supposedly some divorce counceling came more counceling that she admitted to me later was drug counceling from a cocaine addition with the OM. He moved from the community and hopefully this is the last of the OM. Then comes another OM in the community that is having martial problems with his wife. More phone calls & text messaging occurs. Still no prove just a lot of taking. By now I'm going really crazy, sick, depressed, and lonely. Business is suffering because I just don't care. Money and posessions don't mean a thing when you feel like you lost it all.

I had made up my mind that I needed to move on when she had to go through another battery of treatments. So I stuck it out for another 6 months. After her last treatment was done and a month went by with no change in our relationship. She then tells me she is taking a trip to Cancun, Mexico she'll see us when she gets back. My response was I would be moving into a house in a near town and I won't be there when she got home. No response

It's been 16 months since I moved and still nothing is changed. We share custody of the kids and I have them 3-4 days a week. It's been hard dealing with it all but faith in God and the love of my children has gotten me this far.

It's interesting to see the different stages of a midlife crises as my wife has followed all the classic signs of going through one. I have urges to see OW but I still wake up thinking of her. Anyone that has gone through a D say you will know when you are ready. Any thoughts?

Whatever happens from here I don't expect much. I recently read the article about midlifers want YOU to file for divorce that way they can blame/justify the whole thing on YOU. I swore that I would never file for D but as I carry on with daily life that notion is starting to fade.

They say patience is the key and you will gain a better marriage from the wait. After hearing my story am I a fool for believing this is going to all work out?

I wish I could look into the future and see what/when anything will happen but I'm force into playing this waiting game.

Thanks for listening and I hope you will let me know if you here of any men going through the same thing any comments from an outsiders view good/bad will be appreciated

conlem

[26WhatNow]

conlem,
Sorry you are here but you are at a good place. This is as difficult a thing as I have ever been presented with. My sitch is somewhat like yours in that my alledged lack of attention to my W when she broke her leg a couple of years ago led her to believe that I didnt love her anymore. It was not mentioned to me at the time but she became cool, detached, etc. Sounds a lot like your sitch. We have been married 26 years. I hope there is not OM involved but strongly suspect there is.

You mentioned an involvement with drugs, cocaine? That would seem to be to be a real fly in the ointment for you. Has there been a past problem with drugs? Man, they act weird enough without being drugged up. That, in my opinion, puts a different spin on your sitch and would seem to me to be something that must be dealt with first. I am no expert by any means on that but I am sure some of the fine people here have had experience with that situation. Post as frequently as you can since it is difficult to get noticed sometimes. Maybe you should start your own thread. That seems to get more notice early on. I would mention something about drugs in the title so that people with that experience will gravitate toward it. Good Luck my friend.

[FLTC]

Persevere,

Not meeting emotional needs is a big reason why we're separated. It seems like at least you had some physical contact with your wife. How were you able to show her you canged. I've read you "Insights" post. I'm glad for you, but really envious as well. My posts are Early Days of Separation.

Thanks,

FLTC

[mkultra]

Wow, I will read this every day. It is better than therapy! And cheaper...

[Not Much Left]

Preserve
So what were the tell tale signs she wanted to reconcile?

My big issue is that my wife NEVER speaks up, period. Except for:
1. originally asked me out on a date 18 yrs ago!
2. has told me no more 4 times now.
Thats pretty much it for her speaking her mind, the rest is me filling air time that she does not fill when we chat which is why we are in so much trouble.

So what I am asking you, given your wise words of wisdom and maybe for all the other folks looking for some glimmer of hope, was it a touch, a talk?

Again, i echo everything everyone says about your post. I am on Month 4 so would love to hear what finally tipped it for you.

So glad to hear about people getting things worked out.

[JR2007]

This thread is pretty old, I don't know if we'll get responses from Preserve. It was posted as an example of success, not necessarilly to start new posts.

[mkultra]

Oh I noticed it is a year old! But it is very interesting. Thanks for the hook up.

[mkultra]

Oh I noticed it is a year old! But it is very interesting. Thanks for the hook up.

[Amy]

I so needed to see this. Thanks for the link on the other boards. I realize that while I am trying to be supportive by sending cards and letters and flowers to him at the hospital I am doing what I have always done SUFFOCATING him. Thanks for the input.