I just want her to come home!

[Nomopo]

I'm pooped but let me give this a shot.

I read some posts and headed off to the local Barnes and Noble. I purchased His Needs, Her Needs, OMG!! Well I have done it, I ranked everything incorrectly, I honestly don’t think I have held a real convo with her in some time, and affection, oh hell I haven’t shown her affection in close to two years. How could she stick it out that long? Don’t think I am blaming myself completely for this, she has failed to meet many of my EN as well, but I really feel like I have let the marriage down.

I haven't read the book, but this kind of self review and realizing/accepting your role in this mess is a critical step to getting to a better place and you seem to be getting that more quickly than others (me too, by the way, but did finally get it after 21 monthds!).

I just couldn’t set it down, all this time, I haven’t done any non-sexual touches, hugs, kissing, anything without leading to sex. I feel completely responsible. How could I do this to my marriage? Why is it so difficult to read and immediately understand why she is reacting the way she is, it’s exactly as it says will happen.

Hey, what's done is done. Study it to learn, but not to beat yourself up. Everyone of us made similar mistakes. But really getting your hands around this will help you identify your cheeseless tunnels and "more of the same" behaviors, and that will help you with your DB plan and strategies, so take notes.

On a good note, while I went out with a friend last night and had a few drinks, this is the fourth night of sobriety. I know I need this, and I have known this for a long time. I’m drinking because she isn’t here at night, she works nights, but I pushed her to pursue her career to the point that I created the situation. This crutch is mine and I need to resolve it now.

Good for you.

I go to work, and around 10 am the W calls. She is crying! Now, she wants to not be co-dependant and the like. Well she set up her own checking account and deposited all of her money into it, even her cash. So she is in a new apartment with no food and almost out of gas, and the bank won’t allow access until Monday. She is outside my office in the parking lot. Her family is furious with her and won’t help, my son is in the background crying because he is hungry!!! What is she thinking? I have a total of 16 dollars in cash and give it all to her to buy some breakfast and get a little gas.

She's lost, but i agree with GD - you handled this well.

I head home and she has moved none of her stuff. Her enabling brother did some but not all of the moving. I call and offer to help pack and move her.

IMO, great Db move. Way to go offering to help. You're a natural!

She was so lost, one minute its divorce this, divorce that, the next it is how will we handle this or that when I move back. WHAT!!!

Yep, she's lost. You have to really accept that this is going to take a while. Patience will be your friend. But all this confusion is positive for your chances. She is walking away or thinking about walking away. If she is not confused, you're through. So seeds of doubt, confusion all work in your favor at this stage. Hopefully she clears up later on the right side of the issue.

I help her move to her APT. I walk in and am floored; even though my house is empty they don’t have a thing. My son can not live like this. I head back home and give away even more so that he can do what he likes to do. He now has a TV, DVD, can watch movies, a microwave. I had extra and don’t know why she didn’t take it in the first place.

Again, well done.

I happened to get a check that is both of ours. They have no place to sit, so I tell her that at this moment I don’t need the money, and since I really felt she earned it I would give her my half so that she could buy a couch. She insists she will pay me back, ya right. I insist it isn’t for her but rather so my son has a decent place. I’m more concerned about my son having a home then her back side right now. Although, I think I might be justifying everything through him. So, I take her to buy a couch, she has a small car, and I have a larger SUV, which she refused to switch as well. She buys a white couch with a 2 year old! Am I missing something here? She also spends every cent of the money I just have her but five bucks great money management dear, well I guess you tried. I am way to cynical. But I didn’t say anything, two weeks ago we would have left arguing about white couches and the cost, so I feel I did my part.

Again, excellent. Keep those cynical thoughts to yourself. I think it was fine to say it was for your son, but I wouldn't go out of my way to clarify it wasn't for her. You don't want to look punitive. That won't likely help you.

She throws a temper tantrum right there. The sales rep is floored, I just about lost it. I just looked at her like I was going to spank her back side, as I would for any out of line child. I walked away and was followed with a full apology. I’m doing all I can to not treat her like a child, but suddenly that is how she acts on everything.

I think walking away was fine. Draw boundaries. You don't have to acdept that. It would be best if you could avoid the face,but that's a very minor point. All in all I still think you are doing really great! Seriously.

She tells me that she would like it if I came over again and hooked up the electronics, it’s not a ploy, honest, she isn’t sure that cars even use gas. I think that is one reason we have done so well in the past, she thinks I am magic when it comes to fixing things, but I don’t even change my own oil. I go over and as I am arranging everything, the OM calls. I quote, “Oh hey, well I can’t believe you wouldn’t help me move or set anything up, well anyway, Atlas is over here and is being just a gem.” A Gem????? I can’t resist and I inquire after the call, I have already drawn a line in the sand with this OM EA. Now I really feel stupid, he is gay. This checks out due to a report from her friend, which I never pieced together until now. But why didn’t she tell me that when I drew the line, I think she is watching me suffer and liking it.

You lost me. What did you inquire about after the call? Even if he is gay, could still be an EA. EA's mean she is emotionally connecting with someone and it is replacing you or in lieu of you.

Well I have either not as much to worry about as I suspected, or I just lost my wife and S to a gay man. Not to sure how I should feel at this point, laughing hysterically or crying hysterically.

Neither. Their R is what it is because she was missing something in your R. Identify that (sounds like you are) so you can give her what she needs as opposed to another person.

The night ends, I pull the plug first, I have things to do and see. I’m at home talking with a friend via phone and she barges in, she never bought any groceries today. She needs to feed the boy and he is screaming again due to hunger. DOES SHE NOT REALIZE IT IS A CHILD THAT NEEDS CONSTANT CARE AND ATTENTION?!! I have never seen her act this lost, and it is confirmed by everyone including her family. She has never been like this, she is usually the best caretaker with our son and other children, I do not understand. I honestly have not been a good husband, I have been a controlling father figure, dictating most everything, but I think it is too weird now to be WAW, I really think she might need some mental help. Am I seeing this clearly? What do I do?

Seems clear to be based on what you've said. You focus on you and your kid. She's going to have to deal with her own issues. You can't fix her. But you can support her as a friend, and co-parent to the best of your ability.

Nomopo