You don't have to apply the 48-hour rule (and it may not be in the books by the way) to everyday stuff like handling the kids. The idea is, don't act on any idea re: the R or the M or your divorce busting for 48 hours. Most ideas you have will be just effective implemented two days later as if enacted right then. Wait a day or two or more to see if you really want to do it. For example, if you see a strange phone call on your caller ID and you think your spouse is having an affair (or know they are but can't believe OM is calling your spouse), wait 48 hours rather than acting on your urge to call the number. You might learn some new fact that changes things or you might decide not to do it at all. The idea is when your emotions are geared up, you can't thik clearly. Don't act on emotions. Let emotions settle down, then act with a clear head.
M 39 W 39 M'd 10 yrs; T 14 yrs S7 D4 Bomb 5-8-05 W not working on M 1-22-07; EA 2-22 DB 4-10 S 6-11 No more C Link
It helps, especially since I'm a reactor usually waiting to explode. Kind of nice living the last two days carefree, not cleaning everything and squaring it all up. Boy my issues run deep! Well I have an appointment with a counselor next week, for me.
What a day! I don’t think my life has ever been this messed up. I have posted a couple of things of “what I think” is going on. I have ordered DB & DR, but all I can do is watch the mail. Yesterday I paid the first mortgage payment and while money is an issue right now, I know I can make things work. It’s like I have never left college life and here I am at 31.
After tired of watching the mail, I read some posts and headed off to the local Barnes and Noble. I purchased His Needs, Her Needs, OMG!! Well I have done it, I ranked everything incorrectly, I honestly don’t think I have held a real convo with her in some time, and affection, oh hell I haven’t shown her affection in close to two years. How could she stick it out that long? Don’t think I am blaming myself completely for this, she has failed to meet many of my EN as well, but I really feel like I have let the marriage down. I bought the book last night and have almost completed it. I slept an entire hour all night and had to work today. I just couldn’t set it down, all this time, I haven’t done any non-sexual touches, hugs, kissing, anything without leading to sex. I feel completely responsible. How could I do this to my marriage? Why is it so difficult to read and immediately understand why she is reacting the way she is, it’s exactly as it says will happen.
On a good note, while I went out with a friend last night and had a few drinks, this is the fourth night of sobriety. I know I need this, and I have known this for a long time. I’m drinking because she isn’t here at night, she works nights, but I pushed her to pursue her career to the point that I created the situation. This crutch is mine and I need to resolve it now.
Well, today after reading all night and sleeping an entire hour I was up at 4:30, out back in the dark, throwing the ball to my new dog she got a week prior to the separation. I sure hope the neighbors aren’t looking to see what the racket is. I go to work, and around 10 am the W calls. She is crying! Now, she wants to not be co-dependant and the like. Well she set up her own checking account and deposited all of her money into it, even her cash. So she is in a new apartment with no food and almost out of gas, and the bank won’t allow access until Monday. She is outside my office in the parking lot. Her family is furious with her and won’t help, my son is in the background crying because he is hungry!!! What is she thinking? I have a total of 16 dollars in cash and give it all to her to buy some breakfast and get a little gas.
Boss sees the whole thing, he is going through C’ing after finding out about multiple EA his wife has had, so he is really sympathetic. Tells me to take the day off. I head home and she has moved none of her stuff. Her enabling brother did some but not all of the moving. I call and offer to help pack and move her.
She shows up with my son, who I’m totally delighted to see. We get him down for a nap, and she wants to talk. I went along with it and every time it wasn’t money, the boy, or some logistical stuff, I just spaced out and said I was in a good place now. She was so lost, one minute its divorce this, divorce that, the next it is how will we handle this or that when I move back. WHAT!!!
I help her move to her APT. I walk in and am floored; even though my house is empty they don’t have a thing. My son can not live like this. I head back home and give away even more so that he can do what he likes to do. He now has a TV, DVD, can watch movies, a microwave. I had extra and don’t know why she didn’t take it in the first place.
I happened to get a check that is both of ours. They have no place to sit, so I tell her that at this moment I don’t need the money, and since I really felt she earned it I would give her my half so that she could buy a couch. She insists she will pay me back, ya right. I insist it isn’t for her but rather so my son has a decent place. I’m more concerned about my son having a home then her back side right now. Although, I think I might be justifying everything through him. So, I take her to buy a couch, she has a small car, and I have a larger SUV, which she refused to switch as well. She buys a white couch with a 2 year old! Am I missing something here? She also spends every cent of the money I just have her but five bucks great money management dear, well I guess you tried. I am way to cynical. But I didn’t say anything, two weeks ago we would have left arguing about white couches and the cost, so I feel I did my part.
The sales rep gives her 3 options, go pick it up at the main warehouse, have it shipped here by tomorrow at 5, and I can move from there, or have it delivered. I tell her the main warehouse is out, it is 25 miles away and I would have to drive interstates home with this brand new, white, couch hanging out the back 3 feet after I measured, she will have to do either tomorrow or delivery in 5 days. She throws a temper tantrum right there. The sales rep is floored, I just about lost it. I just looked at her like I was going to spank her back side, as I would for any out of line child. I walked away and was followed with a full apology. I’m doing all I can to not treat her like a child, but suddenly that is how she acts on everything.
She tells me that she would like it if I came over again and hooked up the electronics, it’s not a ploy, honest, she isn’t sure that cars even use gas. I think that is one reason we have done so well in the past, she thinks I am magic when it comes to fixing things, but I don’t even change my own oil. I go over and as I am arranging everything, the OM calls. I quote, “Oh hey, well I can’t believe you wouldn’t help me move or set anything up, well anyway, Atlas is over here and is being just a gem.” A Gem????? I can’t resist and I inquire after the call, I have already drawn a line in the sand with this OM EA. Now I really feel stupid, he is gay. This checks out due to a report from her friend, which I never pieced together until now. But why didn’t she tell me that when I drew the line, I think she is watching me suffer and liking it.
Well I have either not as much to worry about as I suspected, or I just lost my wife and S to a gay man. Not to sure how I should feel at this point, laughing hysterically or crying hysterically.
The night ends, I pull the plug first, I have things to do and see. I’m at home talking with a friend via phone and she barges in, she never bought any groceries today. She needs to feed the boy and he is screaming again due to hunger. DOES SHE NOT REALIZE IT IS A CHILD THAT NEEDS CONSTANT CARE AND ATTENTION?!! I have never seen her act this lost, and it is confirmed by everyone including her family. She has never been like this, she is usually the best caretaker with our son and other children, I do not understand. I honestly have not been a good husband, I have been a controlling father figure, dictating most everything, but I think it is too weird now to be WAW, I really think she might need some mental help. Am I seeing this clearly? What do I do?
I'm reading His Needs, Her Needs right now too and feel just like you. I'm beating my head against the wall for not realizing all of her needs and meeting them like a good H would. I just took for granted that she would always be there. I'm decent looking, athletic, educated, wealthy, responsible -- how could she do any better right? WRONG!!! Painful to realize how naive we were, eh!
Sorry that W is going through such an emotional rollercoaster, but I have to say you handled things great IMO. You stepped up and did what you needed to do for S (and maybe W too), and she will see this. Maybe not now, but eventually all the good you do and changes YOU make will be noticed and appreciated. You can at least feel good that you are doing whatever it takes to work on and fix your M.
Bravo for your efforts, Atlas! Keep the frustration in check and do what needs to be done without being a doormat. However, I've noticed that for me this can be a fine line...
It sure is a 20/20 hindsight after reading His Needs, Her needs. I suspect I'm in a situ a lot like you. She basically carried us through a lot of school. I have more damn education then I care for, wish I could spell and write. Hmm, maybe a new hobby. I gave her everyting I thought she wanted, a nice house, cars, cash to spend, well it doesn't amount to crap when she wants a partner. Maybe the golf course and fishing hole were not such a great stress reliever.
I read some posts and headed off to the local Barnes and Noble. I purchased His Needs, Her Needs, OMG!! Well I have done it, I ranked everything incorrectly, I honestly don’t think I have held a real convo with her in some time, and affection, oh hell I haven’t shown her affection in close to two years. How could she stick it out that long? Don’t think I am blaming myself completely for this, she has failed to meet many of my EN as well, but I really feel like I have let the marriage down.
I haven't read the book, but this kind of self review and realizing/accepting your role in this mess is a critical step to getting to a better place and you seem to be getting that more quickly than others (me too, by the way, but did finally get it after 21 monthds!).
Originally Posted By: Atlas
I just couldn’t set it down, all this time, I haven’t done any non-sexual touches, hugs, kissing, anything without leading to sex. I feel completely responsible. How could I do this to my marriage? Why is it so difficult to read and immediately understand why she is reacting the way she is, it’s exactly as it says will happen.
Hey, what's done is done. Study it to learn, but not to beat yourself up. Everyone of us made similar mistakes. But really getting your hands around this will help you identify your cheeseless tunnels and "more of the same" behaviors, and that will help you with your DB plan and strategies, so take notes.
Originally Posted By: Atlas
On a good note, while I went out with a friend last night and had a few drinks, this is the fourth night of sobriety. I know I need this, and I have known this for a long time. I’m drinking because she isn’t here at night, she works nights, but I pushed her to pursue her career to the point that I created the situation. This crutch is mine and I need to resolve it now.
Good for you.
Originally Posted By: Atlas
I go to work, and around 10 am the W calls. She is crying! Now, she wants to not be co-dependant and the like. Well she set up her own checking account and deposited all of her money into it, even her cash. So she is in a new apartment with no food and almost out of gas, and the bank won’t allow access until Monday. She is outside my office in the parking lot. Her family is furious with her and won’t help, my son is in the background crying because he is hungry!!! What is she thinking? I have a total of 16 dollars in cash and give it all to her to buy some breakfast and get a little gas.
She's lost, but i agree with GD - you handled this well.
Originally Posted By: Atlas
I head home and she has moved none of her stuff. Her enabling brother did some but not all of the moving. I call and offer to help pack and move her.
IMO, great Db move. Way to go offering to help. You're a natural!
Originally Posted By: Atlas
She was so lost, one minute its divorce this, divorce that, the next it is how will we handle this or that when I move back. WHAT!!!
Yep, she's lost. You have to really accept that this is going to take a while. Patience will be your friend. But all this confusion is positive for your chances. She is walking away or thinking about walking away. If she is not confused, you're through. So seeds of doubt, confusion all work in your favor at this stage. Hopefully she clears up later on the right side of the issue.
Originally Posted By: Atlas
I help her move to her APT. I walk in and am floored; even though my house is empty they don’t have a thing. My son can not live like this. I head back home and give away even more so that he can do what he likes to do. He now has a TV, DVD, can watch movies, a microwave. I had extra and don’t know why she didn’t take it in the first place.
Again, well done.
Originally Posted By: Atlas
I happened to get a check that is both of ours. They have no place to sit, so I tell her that at this moment I don’t need the money, and since I really felt she earned it I would give her my half so that she could buy a couch. She insists she will pay me back, ya right. I insist it isn’t for her but rather so my son has a decent place. I’m more concerned about my son having a home then her back side right now. Although, I think I might be justifying everything through him. So, I take her to buy a couch, she has a small car, and I have a larger SUV, which she refused to switch as well. She buys a white couch with a 2 year old! Am I missing something here? She also spends every cent of the money I just have her but five bucks great money management dear, well I guess you tried. I am way to cynical. But I didn’t say anything, two weeks ago we would have left arguing about white couches and the cost, so I feel I did my part.
Again, excellent. Keep those cynical thoughts to yourself. I think it was fine to say it was for your son, but I wouldn't go out of my way to clarify it wasn't for her. You don't want to look punitive. That won't likely help you.
Originally Posted By: Atlas
She throws a temper tantrum right there. The sales rep is floored, I just about lost it. I just looked at her like I was going to spank her back side, as I would for any out of line child. I walked away and was followed with a full apology. I’m doing all I can to not treat her like a child, but suddenly that is how she acts on everything.
I think walking away was fine. Draw boundaries. You don't have to acdept that. It would be best if you could avoid the face,but that's a very minor point. All in all I still think you are doing really great! Seriously.
Originally Posted By: Atlas
She tells me that she would like it if I came over again and hooked up the electronics, it’s not a ploy, honest, she isn’t sure that cars even use gas. I think that is one reason we have done so well in the past, she thinks I am magic when it comes to fixing things, but I don’t even change my own oil. I go over and as I am arranging everything, the OM calls. I quote, “Oh hey, well I can’t believe you wouldn’t help me move or set anything up, well anyway, Atlas is over here and is being just a gem.” A Gem????? I can’t resist and I inquire after the call, I have already drawn a line in the sand with this OM EA. Now I really feel stupid, he is gay. This checks out due to a report from her friend, which I never pieced together until now. But why didn’t she tell me that when I drew the line, I think she is watching me suffer and liking it.
You lost me. What did you inquire about after the call? Even if he is gay, could still be an EA. EA's mean she is emotionally connecting with someone and it is replacing you or in lieu of you.
Originally Posted By: Atlas
Well I have either not as much to worry about as I suspected, or I just lost my wife and S to a gay man. Not to sure how I should feel at this point, laughing hysterically or crying hysterically.
Neither. Their R is what it is because she was missing something in your R. Identify that (sounds like you are) so you can give her what she needs as opposed to another person.
Originally Posted By: Atlas
The night ends, I pull the plug first, I have things to do and see. I’m at home talking with a friend via phone and she barges in, she never bought any groceries today. She needs to feed the boy and he is screaming again due to hunger. DOES SHE NOT REALIZE IT IS A CHILD THAT NEEDS CONSTANT CARE AND ATTENTION?!! I have never seen her act this lost, and it is confirmed by everyone including her family. She has never been like this, she is usually the best caretaker with our son and other children, I do not understand. I honestly have not been a good husband, I have been a controlling father figure, dictating most everything, but I think it is too weird now to be WAW, I really think she might need some mental help. Am I seeing this clearly? What do I do?
Seems clear to be based on what you've said. You focus on you and your kid. She's going to have to deal with her own issues. You can't fix her. But you can support her as a friend, and co-parent to the best of your ability.
Nomopo
M 39 W 39 M'd 10 yrs; T 14 yrs S7 D4 Bomb 5-8-05 W not working on M 1-22-07; EA 2-22 DB 4-10 S 6-11 No more C Link
Well things have really slowed down since I have refused to argue. She isn’t really sure how to handle the non-argue at this point and with the help I’m giving her I think I have really thrown her for a loop.
The hand off of the son occurred early this morning prior to her work. I finished straightening out the house last night. She arrives early this morning and I just happen to have coffee and bagels, but only a bagel for me. Set the timing just right, she walks in as I’m about to bite and oh, would you like something to eat. As you recall she still doesn’t have groceries. She takes it and as she walks into the front room, I see this pause and a shake of the head. Kinda funny!
Well I ask her what time does she want to pick him up today, and she asks if I would like to have him until Sunday. I didn’t ask about her Saturday night and was excited to have him for so long. Then she states that she would like to have a “family date” tomorrow and go have a picnic. Well she has me pretty lost, I said that would be fine. Tomorrow is our Anniversary and I went and bought a card, nothing fancy, and a box of nicorate gum for her. She is smoking again, and a lot. Not happy about it, but that is her issue. I did by something nice, but that is staying hidden in my office unless some type of emotional progress or clarity is made and I see an effort on her behalf.
The S and I are having a great day, and right after 1, when she knows I have put him down she calls. She has no excuse why though, I ask how work went. She states that she has a lot to do and will probably be working on it all night. Sure! I don’t respond or anything. Then she says that if I need to talk to her or if I just want someone to listen that I should call. I said thanks and told her I have to go and will see her tomorrow.
My plan is to make no effort until tomorrow on the picnic. Even then, I just stick with the helping on things, and doing all I can to seem centered and have a good time enjoying myself. I know she thinks I’m going to call tonight, and I wouldn’t be surprised if later on after I don’t she calls back. I think I’m going to take S and go to a friends BBQ and just leave the phone home and see what happens.
the food thing slays me! I did that with my H early on.
He knows I always fed him and when he started galavanting and disrespecting me by not showing up I thought well, you aren't getting taken care of anymore.
So I proceeded to make one his favourite meals one day but just for me!! he came in and I dished up a plate just for me and started to eat. Didn't even offer him any. Well, you would think that I killed his favourite pet or something by the look on his face. He then asked me politely if he could have some too. Still makes me laugh to think about it.
Bravo, my friend! You are a DBing natural!!! Sounds like you have planted the seeds of doubt in her mind already! The only thing I would strongly caution against is giving her the nicorette gum. According to His Needs, Her Needs, such a "gift" would likely seem insulting to her (especially right now). Women like to receive gifts that are sentimental in nature, not practical. Men enjoy practical things, which is why they tend to give the same kind of gift to their W. Think about what giving gum as a gift will tell her. Possibly, "Wow, he shows his appreciation for me by hinting that I need to stop smoking. How romantic!" She will see this as controlling and not sincere. If she wants to smoke, let her -- it is her choice and I strongly believe any attempt to push her otherwise will push her away.
Everything else you've done, are doing, and will be doing is right on! Keep it up! What do you think the head shake was about?
