Piecing - H still contacts OW

[ourcrisis]

NikkiB, thanks for checking in.
Time for some update. Things have been crazy with the move (not emotionally, just physically and logistically).
Five weeks before our planned date to move, h decided that he wanted to pull in the move date 2 weeks earlier. So instead of having five weeks to prepare, I had three weeks. Minus one week for our planned pre-move vacation. Needless to say, I went crazy getting movers, saying good bye to friends, garage sale, etc. H claimed since his work already moved (for 1 month now, he was working remotely), he wanted to move back sooner so he can really do his real work and set up the office, etc. Part of this is true. However, I would not be surprised if he wanted to move just to get away from OW. For the last few weeks, h was honest when it came to R talk, meaning he said he wouldn't tell me anything until we moved back. Frankly, I cannot figure out what difference it would make, assuming he was not seeing her (which he claimed), and assuming he was only talking to her, on the phone or online or email. Moving or not would not affect that type of communication. But I bit my lips. Other than crying, I did not push him to tell me anything.
Now we are back home. Still very busy trying to set up the house, get phone services, etc. etc. H is very busy at work. We had not talked about R. I am trying very hard to wait and let him initiate, though I know he won't. I noticed I am sliding back to being sad and unhappy and I am trying to change that and be positive in front of him.
I am lucky in the sense that h is really trying and gives me lots of positive comments. ILY quite often (though I have stopped saying ILY because I keep thinking HIS "ILY" means "ILY but I love her also" and I still have bad feelings on that".
H also tries to compliment me, and help me out with the kids, schedule dinners out, tell me details of his days, etc. He also tells me that "everything is his fault." "I can yell at him as much as I want." He IS TRYING.
What bugs me:
- he is good at telling half truths. Many times when he says / does something nice, I can't help but think that he is hiding yet another contact with OW
- He is still contacting OW. I don't know about frequency or contents of the conversation. I resent the refusal/avoidance for him to be open about this. (He knows I do not want contact)
- We have never really addressed why this happened. H claimed that our M was good and it just "happened" and he has learned his lesson. For me, without at least trying to figure out what went wrong, we will go back to old ways, and sooner of later, another oppourtunity will come up and he will stray again.
- H also avoids "working together" with me on M. Yes, he is being nice to me. But I feel he is just working on his terms, treating me what he thinks I want to be treated. He avoids talking about his feelings (Mars MAN!!!), and avoids talking about R. He does not ask me how I feel, what I want. partly I guess it is because he knows I want details on contact with OW and he cannot comply.
- I keep imagining (true or not) that he had some deal with OW that's why he refused to talk to me before our move. I should not assume but I feel very bad thinking that he still cares for OW's feelings more than mine. He feels BADLY that he hurt her. "But what about ME?" (I feel like I am a spoiled brat thinking this way)

Some of the above I know I need to let go eventually for us to be happily together. At this point in time, however, I feel like I am stuck as long as he maintains contact with OW (which to me means still having an A) And I do not know what to do. It seems like he is doing everything around the issue BUT did not address the core issue.
I am VERY AFRAID that if I let this moment pass and not get our feelings out, we will slide back into old ways of not sharing feelings. We will just live like partners forever, for the sake of being together, giving up the chance to really improve our M. OTOH, I feel like I need to give him more time to let go of OW (after all, I tolerated it for months while he decided).
STUCK is what I feel like right now.