Benn reading up on some stiches lately. Looks like some of you are seeing positive steps..which is reall nice to see.
Today is not a good day for me. It's my birthday, and I am really depressed. I had plans to go out tonight, originally with H, until yesterday evening.
He came over last night, and was on his emotional roller coaster ride again. The OW left him, apparently her priest did not accept or condone thier relationship behind her H's back...go figure.
That sent my H into an angered depression, that he gives to everyone and they just toss him aside. I told him I understand that he is hurting.
Then it started...the same things as the last 18 months, the fact that it is all my fault that our marriage failed (which I do admit and except my part and failings) Blaming me for the world, and now his newest thing...blaming me that his future is hopeless. That the only lie I ever said was "I do". And to top ot all off "one day I am going to kill myself, and it will be your fault".
I just sat there and held him. I did not know what else to do.
This morning I woke up tired and sad. I think I have had my fill of being completely reponisble for his emotional well being. I can barely get through days myself.
Today, he stopped by and he asked me out this evening. He said "no one deserved to be alone on their birthday, not even you". I told him no thank you, I was not in the mood. Then he got angry, because he offered to go out with me, and I said no. He does it to make me happy, and I push him away. I told him I appreciated the offer and that it meant alot, but I would not be good company tonight..
He just kept going..."Nothing I do will ever make you happy, you have not changed. I try to do something to make you happy, but it is never enough."
Why can't you treat me like you treated your %*(%&^ boyfriends. Why am I not as important as they were...
I have no answers to give him.
Then he asked if I wanted him out of my life..for the first time I hesitated in answering...all I could say was, I don't know. He left, upset at me like always..mummbling, you want to be alone for your birthday, then fine..be alone.
No offence guys, but I no longer see any positives today. I am not making any rash decisions as I know I am not in the right mindset to do it but I truly beleive there is nothing left of this marriage to save. I am wondering if we ever had a marraige to start with.
I know I have to pick myself back up, but I need to rest before I do.
