Yes, your sitch and Donna's sitch are entirely different. But, they are the same in that you both need to figure out your boundary with respect to PW.
Donna has decided to ignore H's contact with PW, it is none of her business for now, she has let go of the M, and will reevaluate at some point. Presumably there are limits to this -- PW coming over the house for sex, or something.
Ignoring H's contact with PW is obviously not working for you. You are working on your M, H is back home, you are piecing. You have told H you are not OK with his contact with PW, though you waffle on this. You keep waiting for him to change his behavior to prove his love to you or something. Figure out what you want and what you will change about what YOU are doing if it doesn't happen.
"H, I need straightforward, simple, direct communcation with respect to your contact with OW. If I want the details, I'll ask. Otherwise, I simply need to know about the form and frequency of the contact so that I can make informed choices."
Then decide what you will do. Quit trying to control him. Instead control yourself by putting yourself in a place where you are not abusing yourself by tolerating contact you are uncomfortable with while piecing.
Who knows what this is? It could simply be putting any further efforts to repair the M on hold until it stops. Maybe it is moving into another room, or some other form of separation. It is really up to you. Only you can figure out your own boundaries here.
Me? I'd go for friends only in-house separation followed by a real separation pretty quickly. I'd want to see a plan for him getting a new job and stopping contact before I'd continue to piece. But, that is *me* not you.
