Character, Faith, and Patience IIII (I think!)

[JR2007]

That is such a great attitude! If it isn't MLC, than what is it? I'm still trying to figure this stuff out.

BamBam,

As I briefly mentioned, it's fear of going back to what was going on in our marriage. It's like buying a car - you have a favorite make so you keep buying them. Then you get a lemon and it makes your life miserable trying to keep it running properly. You get rid of it and swear to never go back to that make for fear of getting another lemon, despite all the good experiences you had with that make prior to that one example. You become afraid to take a chance because you've allowed the one bad experience to supercede all the good experiences, even though you really like that make of car.

My W is so scared that things will be like they were that she's having a hard time remembering the good times and thinking we can have great times together again. I was a jerk - not on purpose, but I was - no point arguing it. I didn't listen to her, I talked her into letting me do whatever I wanted - despite the fact that some of the things made her really uncomfortable (like the huge amounts of money I spent on my cars, for instance - the debt was a huge burden to her, but it didn't bother me at all because we never missed a bill, etc. I didn't take her FEELINGS into consideration at all.) I got into things I shouldn't have to try to create some excitement in my life that I thought was missing. I didn't tell her about some of these things because I knew she'd disapprove. I didn't cheat (I would NEVER even consider it), I didn't do anything illegal, just stupid things I should have never been doing, and I'll leave it at that. When I told her (she asked, and I never lied to my wife so I told her truthfully when she asked) she felt betrayed and let down. She said our trust was gone. Not necessarilly over the things I was doing but the fact that I didn't tell her. And instead of giving her time to work things out for herself, I pressured her into getting over it on MY timeframe. She said she forgave me, but that was obviously just to get me off her back, as the things she mentioned in the D papers proved she had very much NOT forgiven me. I didn't get it, bottom line.

Anyway, enough back story - I'm tired of dwelling on the past. The present is, she is scared, she told me so in no uncertain terms. There is nothing I can say to help her not be scared, so we wait on her to decide if she can take a chance or not. We have to be able to spend some time together so she can see the changes in me are real, but she's not ready (again, I don't get that, but I guess it's not for me to get) She said a lot of positive things in our last meeting (3 weeks ago already) and I really thought we were moving forward. Well, we are but at a snail's pace. That's what she needs though, so OK. She also has things to work out on her own, that she hasn't decided to share with me. That'll be an interesting part of our healing, when she decides to share all that with me. To her, I'm to blame 100% right now, even though that's never the case in a D.

So, it's a decision-making process that unfortunately she is going through with a lot of negative influence from her "friends." So it's hard when you hear bad things all day long every day and then only see your husband 2 times in 3 months, you know? I'd say that is the key to the delays. Shoot after our first meeting with the Pastor about 6 weeks ago, she told her "friend" that is would be easier to get back together, that I have this great new job, that I've changed, that I'm in great shape, etc. The "friend" told her it was a moment of weakness and talked her out of her feelings. I could be back with my W right now if it wasn't for this "friend." Now, my W doesn't make decisions based on other people's opinions, but it does make it harder for her to move when she has SO many people telling her to do something she knows isn't right. So that is definitely a cause for all the delay. When we meet and talk, we connect! She felt good after both meetings because I listened and understood. But without being able to do that more often, the good feelings fade away in the 3 weeks between meetings and it makes it hard to get things rolling...

I've been hoping the Pastor would provide some additional positive influence (he's been in our two meetings with us) but it appears that isn't even happening, I haven't heard from him in 3 weeks either. So, while I'm doing what I can for me, this is truly in God's hands now, as he is the only one it appears that can touch my W's heart to influence her to save her family.

So, that got long-winded but maybe it gives you an idea of where my W is, and I think it's she same for several people in here - definitely 789 and probably Jazz too. I'd have to look up your situation to see if you're similar.

[NMHurting]

Dear God, I drive a Durango as well.

[bambam1970]

Thanks for responding JR2007!

Sometimes I'm just not sure. In my M, I became very wrapped up in my parents the past 7 years. My dad had lung cancer and was sick off and on those years. H is in the medical field and took on a lot of responsibility for my dad. That did hold a lot of stress on him.

H didn't have the best childhood and has always seeked attention for acceptance. We have been together since were 16 years old. I truly have spent a lot of my life "pumping him up". Well, he seemed to get to a point where he needed that constantly. Our M and family became all about him. Our entertainment was going to competitions to watch him (physical endurance kind of thing) for a weekend, our friends were his fellow co-workers and wives (whom I didn't really know or feel comfortable with), socializing was at parties given by his co-workers or some kind of events w/them.

I began to feel like I was not as important. He didn't even know most of the people in my job. I went to Christmas parties etc w/o him b/c he didn't like those people. I didn't really have anything for ME. That's not his fault, it is mine. I simply gave up too much of me thinking I was being a good wife. Actually, I was being a martyr. Resentment came soon after my dad died (about 18 months ago). I didn't have anything left to give. I was broken and lost. And alone.

H struggled w/many issues after dad died. He misses him terribly as they were so close. I was more distant than ever before. He felt abandoned. I had no strength and nothing to give. I should have been in counseling, but didn't recognize it.
He started talking w/someone and that is how it started. He says there was no sex, but who knows? He says he doesn't love her and loves me, but didn't stop talking to her. So, in April I told him that I was done. I didn't want D, but I wanted to be totally separated (he'd moved out about 5 months prior after bomb dropped).

Now, I have bought a new house that I am in process of fixing up to move into w/kids. I've separated our bills and now have my own accounts. I have detached from him in a big way. He told me that he stopped everything w/OW. I thanked him for telling me, but felt no desire to go any further with that. So, we've been "hanging Out" w/the kids some. He calls me often and we chat. He heard that I have a boyfriend (k...I am married!) and that upset him a bit. I told him it wasn't true and he said "It's ok. Whatever."

I am confused on how I feel. I believe that my marriage can be restored if I am patient. But some days I don't know if I have anything left. I'm tired. No different than others here, I know.

Anyway, I was pretty sure it was MLC. Now I'm not so sure. But, I do believe that it doesn't matter what it is labeled, it is what it is for now.

Thanks for letting me ramble! HOpe your Sunday is good!

[JR2007]

BamBam, I know there has to be real dialogue between you and your H to discover the real root causes of your problems. It's probably boredom, you got into a rut, so did H. When you get bored and your love language isn't being spoken, the emotional tank runs out. It doesn't sound like either of you were emotionally there for the other over the last few years of your marriage. That happens to SO many people.

I think you really have to get with a solutions-based counselor and TALK HONESTLY, and LISTEN to each other and try to look at things from the other's point of view. Until that occurs and you can each be truly empathetic to each other, it's going to be a hard row to hoe.

Maybe time does heal all wounds, but the inability to communicate between H and W will open them right back up again...

Good luck!!!

[bambam1970]

Well, we tried MC and he was just rewriting history. It was not honest. I have been in C for 8 months and have grown a great deal. I have changed in ways I never knew I could. I have recognized things I did in our M that were wrong and contributed to its fall. I am stronger and healthier.

H has not. I stopped going to MC when I separated totally. It was going nowhere fast. He needs to work on his own issues, but is choosing to just spin. He is over the anger he had towards me. That makes things a bit more peaceful.

I'm am quickly losing all positive feelings for him. I don't respect him right now and don't really like him.

So, where does that leave me? I'm just very confused right now.

Thanks for taking the time to respond!

Hope all is well with you.

[JR2007]

well, I guess you have a decision to make then. Perhaps writing down positives and negatives will do the trick to let you know which direction you should go? I don't know, I'm sure my W doesn't like me too much right now. Sounds like you just have to get direct with the guy and see where he's headed, and if it's nowhere good, let him know you're moving on. That seems to bring people back to reality if they're at all interested in keeping the relationship alive. But I don't know, I haven't been at this long enough to really know what works and what doesn't. You just keep trying things til you find something that works.

I've found what works for my W, I just don't get to do it enough and she falls back to really not liking me between meetings. I haven't heard from the Pastor in almost 3 weeks. I am truly dark. It's just me and God right now, and I shudder to think what it would be like if it was just me right now - NOT good, I'm sure.

I did find out that she is in fact on a trip - I hope she had a good time, I hope she was talking to someone positive and not another negative person...

[bambam1970]

I've been trying to make a decision for awhile, but still not certain.

I just need to have more patience. Give it time. I don't have to make any decisions today.

Thanks for your input.

Sounds like you have a good handle on things. Good for you.

Friends here help a lot.

[789]

Don't you see your Pastor every week? Maybe you should make a house call to him and see how things are going.
It is also not just you and God, you have everyone here also, you and all of us have more support than we probably realize.


I hope she is not on a trip with my wife, the two of them together we would both be screwed.

[789]

No fair leaving us here why you go out and have fun

You didn't even ask permission

Hope all is going well for you JR, stop in and say hi once in awhile.

[789]

Whoa, WOW, great, how did I miss that?