Thank you so much for the thoughtful comments everyone. I'm gonna do a quick reply here and be back after D's nap.
CrazyEddie,
YES, you are right about the 1992 stuff, I think. In our sessions with the counselor, she stopped us when we started debating over how the past year has been. (since our son, Sam, was born, pretty much. Remember the incident with the friend of the guy I dated dropping my friend off for the baby shower? That's what sparked it I think.) See, I didn't think the previous year had been so bad, but apparently he did. And oh are you right about the rewriting history business, but do you think he will EVER see that? No way in HEL!! When he first started saying he was so unhappy and then when I found out about Pam, my first question of course, was, where was this issue ALL THESE PAST YEARS? It was there, but i couldn't fathom how it was all of a sudden WORSE? Well, he says that he "pushed it down" as much as he could, and was only happy for "pockets of time" but always felt that if he could go back in time, he'd tell me to f off. He admitted that it probably affected the way he treated me at times, when I was none the wiser, and that he has never loved me in the same way that he did in the beginning. He has said that he imagines about what our life would be like if I had never done that to him. He says he would be a totally different husband now. Hmm...that's always nice to hear. That's how he explained emailing Pam. He fantasized (his words) about a relationship without "all the baggage of being sh!t on."
I VERY gently and delicately asked him right after discovering the emails and him going on and on about how awful the previous year had been if he could look at his life and really examine it and see if it was truly me and our issues in the past that were making him so unhappy. He originally got on Zoloft because of WORK, he said. His boss drove him to insanity. Then all of a sudden it was me. He is a generally disgruntled individual. I know I posted it at one time, but take a look at his MySpace page: http://www.myspace.com/sklmsta
Btw, CrazyEddie, I know my threads are long, but did you read the emails between them? It was more than him giving up a friendship to make me happy, in my opinion. Comments from others?
I was speaking more of his opinion. It's the only one that's going to drive his reactions, so if you want to be able to predict his reactions, you've got to understand his beliefs and opinions, even if you don't share them.
Lots of people have never heard of an EA, and would be offended at the thought that controlling themselves around a "friend" isn't good enough.
a fine and enviable madness, this delusion that all questions have answers, and nothing is beyond the reach of a strong left arm.
You are absolutely right. His opinion is that he stopped and he will remind me again and again that he DIDN'T HAVE SEX WITH HER. How convenient that he met her out of town at a conference, they began emailing each other and she lives in another state, but he "refrained". lol. I'm pretty sure I'd have a much stickier situation on my hands if she had been local. Yes, he got furious several times saying I cannot compare the two situations, which is actually what HE has done much more than me.
So, yes, the fact that me dumping him and having actual sex with someone (when I was 18) and him only engaging in emails (while we're married with 2 kids and in our 30's) is all he can focus on. That's why he considers ME the psycho nut job.
Well, sweetie, I think the issues need to be dealt with, but nothing good is going to happen until one of you settles down and decides to be "the bigger person." That's just my opinion though.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
