Can't go back. Can't sit still. Guess you have no choice but to move forward.
I guess right now, don't let anybody try to make you feel like you are wrong. You believe in what you are doing. Not once did you say you were giving up on the M. You just wanted some time and space to get yourself better.
I have gained a lot of info from your sharing. It took courage to do what you are doing. And you said on with the plan. I would personally like to know what the plan is from here. What is your next step after moving? How often with a T? How often with communication from the H? Where do you see yourself in three months? Six months? What would you like to happen from here?
Thanks so much - this has been really helpful for me too. And thanks for your support - every little bit helps
The short-term plan: 1. End the isolation - Make consistent efforts to include other people in my life. 2. Contact my favorite local non-profits for volunteer opportunities. 3. Develop a daily habit of journalling, meditation, prayer. 4. Update resume, portfolio and start looking for better job.
Trust me, for me, that's huge. But I have some momentum now and I'm taking advantage of it.
Communication with H: Well, since this is all new to me and we can basically make up our own rules, I'm going to suggest a weekly phone call. Probably Sunday nights. And see how that goes. I suspect I'll find it easier to set and maintain boundaries once I'm in my own space.
Ultimate Goal: to be a self-sufficient adult with healthy boundaries and a clear sense of self. Think of it as a delayed adolescence
Thanks again, and JR too Have a great July 4th (Independence Day - what a great time for everyone to celebrate what makes them unique and strong, huh?)
I'm off now for a week or so - got LOTS to do - take care - I'll check up as soon as I'm able.
Yes, makes sense. Lots of food for thought...I honestly didn't think guys COULD be that dense.
See, my first husband was anything but (neither, interestingly, was the OM) - he was lightning quick and nothing got by him. Plus, when he acted like he didn't care, it was because he DIDN'T CARE. And when I did X, he noticed and reacted. No brick was ever required. Of course, he lied, cheated and manipulated like a son of a b*tch, but at least I didn't feel like I was living with a brick wall. More like a hand grenade.
When my H and I parted yesterday (and I spent my first night at my apartment), it certainly didn't feel like we were done. Yet, at the same time, I just don't have the energy right now to try again, with even MORE clarity and handholding. I just don't have it in me.
(Good point re: Love Languages. I do remember when I read that book a year or so ago, unfortunately I was so p*ssed and fed up, I didn't CARE what his was and I didn't have the energy to AGAIN (90 days?????) play the patient kindergarten teacher. )
(Meanwhile I discovered Chapman also wrote "Hope for the Separated" so I have it on order from my library. What the heck. By the time it arrives I may be in the mood to read it.)
Right now, at this moment, I'm just tired. Physically and emotionally drained from moving this weekend. And crying.
But thanks, really, for the advice. I'm definitely digesting it.
Seems I have some issues about having to be blunt - it feels humiliating to have to resort to that (i.e. "if I were truly loveable I wouldn't have to work SO hard at getting my needs met") - like I'm begging. And there's the fear that the other party really isn't interested and my being blunt/begging is just making it worse.
There's the next topic of discussion with my IC, huh?
Looks like you achieved one of your goals. You moved out. Moving forward.
Your first H and second H appear to be totally opposite. Do you think there is some middle ground between the two that you need? Nothing got by your first H. Your second just let everything slide. Which is it that you want? I know this is going to seem like an off the wall question, but if your first H hadn't lied, cheated and manipulated, would you still be married to him. Or would there have been something else that made you unhappy?
Wouldn't it be other people having a problem with your bluntness? Unless it's unsolicited, bluntness is just honesty. How is being blunt begging? Isn't it just asking for what you want and need?
Wouldn't it be other people having a problem with your bluntness? Unless it's unsolicited, bluntness is just honesty. How is being blunt begging? Isn't it just asking for what you want and need?
What I meant by "blunt" was "excruciatingly self-evident to most people" It's when I have to s-p-e-l-l things out over and over to the point of exasperation just to get a response, I guess what I'm saying is, it feels like too much damn work. The "begging" is how it feels (humiliating) to have to ask over and over and over and over, not just once or twice. I feel I'm being ignored because nobody who really cares about me would be so #$%^& oblivious.
Maybe I'm just not cut out to be in a relationship. Certainly not now. Too full of frustration and resentment.
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Your first H and second H appear to be totally opposite. Do you think there is some middle ground between the two that you need? Nothing got by your first H. Your second just let everything slide. Which is it that you want?
My first H was a fox. My current H is a golden retriever. I want a labrador. Here comes my dog analogy...
My H is like a sweet golden retriever, perfectly content to sit by your side and gaze up at you adoringly (I had a dog like this). If you throw a ball and ask him to go fetch, he just looks at the ball, then looks back to you, smiles, wags his tail. But doesn't move, no matter how much you try to entice him. Eventually, when you give up, he gets up and gets the ball but just lays down with it. And smiles and wags his tail.So now you have no dog and no ball. He understood what you were asking the whole time. It's just too little too late. So you sigh and accept that that's just the way he is. He doesn't fetch balls, play keepaway, or anything. He doesn't "get it." But he loves you. Suck it up.
Now, a labrador retriever not only finds the ball you threw, he brings it over to you and makes it clear he wants to play. You throw the ball, he runs and gets it AND even brings it back; you throw, he retrieves, so that now you have a game, give and take, interaction. Connection. And, incidentally, the same golden retriever is content to simply sit by your side while you play with the lab.
Yes, you're committed to the golden but you need a labrador to experience some vitality and genuine interaction; you're bored and lonely with the golden. Simple solution: get one of each, right?
What it sounds like both you and JR are saying is that I simply haven't been clear enough in communicating what's in my head to the other person.
One thing I haven't tried (ironically) is writing down my feelings and presenting them to my H THAT way. I write more clearly than I speak, and he probably absorbs information more easily by reading than listening.
You beat me to it Mike. I was going to ask the same thing.
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Maybe I'm just not cut out to be in a relationship. Certainly not now. Too full of frustration and resentment.
That is understandable. But the things that lead to that frustration and resentment may be the reason. Were you direct and straight forward with the things you wanted from your H? Or do you just think you were? You said you were begging, what were you begging for? Attention? Companionship? I had to say companionship because of the dog analogy.
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One thing I haven't tried (ironically) is writing down my feelings and presenting them to my H THAT way. I write more clearly than I speak, and he probably absorbs information more easily by reading than listening.
This sounds like a good idea. I know I like to write things down instead of talking because I can get out what i want to say without someone interrupting and then getting off subject. But do you have anything to say to him at the moment? Is there anything that is going to change your mind and allow you to want ot work on your M?
