Not really, I'm just going through it from the other side.
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True, true all true. You're absolutely right. You caught me.
Now, here's the thing that gets me so confused though: we HAVE had those clear talks. Face to face. Lots of deep dialogue. Lots of promises. Over and over. I can accept that maybe it takes a few of them before they sink in. But nothing seemed to ever sink in and STAY there. Is that REALLY just a "guy" thing? I can't (don't want to) believe that all guys are THIS clueless.
If you have told him in NO uncertain terms. If you have told him that you want his time, quality time at least 30 minutes a day and you just want him to listen (I mean in these actual words) and he won't do it, or doesn't keep it up, there is one more thing to consider - have you met HIS love language. What do you think it is? When you do something, what is the thing you do that makes him the happiest, that helps him feel good and loved? Is it words of affirmation? Physical Touch? Giving Gifts? (we know it's not quality time ) Or Acts of service? If you have to take the first step and figure out what it is and make him feel loved so that he can do the same for you, well you have to determine if it's worth it for YOU to take the first step. I think the guy who wrote the book said do this for 90 days and re-evaluate (that may be a long time for you, again, you have to decide if it's worth it.) If you do that and you still get nothing, you may have nothing.
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Yes, maybe my leaving will be the cement block to the head. Bricks have had no effect. At least not for long.
It gets hard to believe he really wants me to stay. So, I have to consider the possibility that he's just protecting my feelings by saying what he thinks I want to hear, but not following through with action.
Here's another tidbit: Every time I declared I was leaving, his energy level would go up and he'd suddenly spend time on more meaningful, though still solitary, activities (woodworking, photography). Every time I changed my mind and decided not to leave, he'd take me back with open arms BUT go back to playing solitaire on the computer and stop the more productive stuff.
I'll tell you honestly, it does not sound like you've been as clear as you think. You have to be blunt, no doubt about what you want. For instance, think about ordering a meal at a fast-food restaurant - you tell them exactly what you want. Do the same with H, treat him like the big head at the local Jack in the Box. Ask him to repeat back what you've asked for and make sure he gets it. If he doesn't get it after that, he does not deserve you. If you can take the time to let him know what you want and he can't do it. He doesn't deserve you. OK?
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I'm curious: what went through your head when your W would try to give you clues before she finally left? (I'm assuming she did give you clues).
I had NO IDEA! I had told my W many, many times that I was so glad she didn't play games and use hints and passive-aggressive behavior to get what she wanted. When in fact, she was. I missed it all because I had convinced myself that W was as happy as I was in the marriage. She wasn't because I wasn't speaking her love language. She spoke mine many times, and I was content. I blew it and assumed she felt the same way. That was my brick to the head. As my sig says, I'm leaving the dent so I don't forget.
So, that's why I say, if you are not saying the exact thing that you want to your husband and stressing to him how important it is to you, he is not getting it. And if you do that, and he doesn't respond, he just may not care, and that's not fair to you. I would NOT expect my W to stick around after all this if I did not do VERY specific things to let her know how much I love her and how important and valuable she is to me and you should expect the same from your H. Make sense?
We can talk ourselves into defeat or we can talk ourselves into victory - we are creatures of our thinking.
3/31/07 - Hit with a brick, leaving the dent there...
