I'm about to read DR for the 4th time (5th time? I don't remember)
The "This sucks" comment is more for keeping up appearances and respecting those here that are in greater pain than I. I'm actually to a point where I am kind of enjoying this (sick, I know.)
I'll certainly tell here about the movie eventually, but I find these things have more impact if she knows I didn't puppy-dog-rush to tell her about it. Again, I've generally been too open/honest with her, very little mystery.
And, yes, I am going very dark at times. I set a rule yesterday that I would not talk with her about anything other than the direst emergencies. Except for pleasantries last night when I told my son good night, I succeeded (didn't even bring up the fact that I'm supposed to have him this weekend - it's all worked out already, I'll just show my confidence by not asking for confirmation, etc...).
One correction: I am not a natural at this. It has taken a lot of hard work and suffering to get here, but it can be done. Yes, my sitch could be worse, but I have to accept that I am walking through a minefield, at night, with a blindfold and wearing clown shoes.
Unique? No. Mine? Yes.
"Tragedy is when I cut my little finger. Comedy is when you fall down an open manhole and die." -Mel Brooks
Then don't look.... Since you brought up fighting, have you ever checked out George Thompson's "Verbal Judo"? You may find it useful in your profession, but I'm finding it absolutely critical to the DBing effort. Pretty cool book/program.
I understand. I went through Thompson's course several times. Useful info. WOSHA!
I'm about to read DR for the 4th time (5th time? I don't remember) The "This sucks" comment is more for keeping up appearances and respecting those here that are in greater pain than I. I'm actually to a point where I am kind of enjoying this (sick, I know.) .....And, yes, I am going very dark at times. I set a rule yesterday that I would not talk with her about anything other than the direst emergencies. .... One correction: I am not a natural at this. It has taken a lot of hard work and suffering to get here, but it can be done. Yes, my sitch could be worse, but I have to accept that I am walking through a minefield, at night, with a blindfold and wearing clown shoes.
Unique? No. Mine? Yes.
"Tragedy is when I cut my little finger. Comedy is when you fall down an open manhole and die." -Mel Brooks
Dude, you have a great sense of humor. Let that flow. Watch comedy, lots of it. That was one thing DB Coach Chuck recommended to me and it worked wonders. Before seeing the W, I would make sure I had the XM tuned to the comedy channel as I drove over or I would pop in an Eddie Izzard DVD, 3 Stooges, anything to make me laugh and put me in a great mood prior to any encounter with W. It worked.
Keep reading DR, over and over. I have gone through 4 or 5 copies, in addition to the ones I have given as gifts. Highlighter in hand, preparing for my great test, I found I highlight different points each time. Kind of strange.
This Sucks? I say that frequently. It is the one moment of whining/complaining I will allow myself. It's sort of like a bowl of ice cream after 7 days of strict dieting. Instant gratification and then get back into the game. So I do understand the keeping appearances and respecting those that are in a lot worse situations. In the book, Mental Toughness Training for Sports, the author talks about having phrases that we can say, pre-planned, that will allow us to vent a bit about the situation we might find ourselves in, while keeping it channeled and brief. Avoiding a negative cascade that will affect our performance.
This sucks is one of those terms for me. Call me an ambulance is another one.
Another one I use now involves some imagery. Whenever I feel like I just need to be rescued, get me the heck out of here, I say to myself, Call 911 we've got an emergency. In my head I see KeyStone Kops flying up to my scene, crashing, falling, generally going through their whole routine. It makes me laugh, or at least smile.
I also did a key thing mentioned in the book by Dr. Loehr, I acknowledged my pain, without dwelling on it, and injected some humor so I could laugh about it and start looking for a solution.
Sometimes the only solution is to laugh some more.
I have to be careful with comedy, as that is part of how I got into this mess (more on that later, I'm sure). I do like to laugh, though, and I will not let this take that away. Ever.
Kind of a screwy day, so I'm just gonna unload a bit:
-Around 10am, I called my (still technically, at least) mother-in-law's to talk to my son (she watches him during the day as she has since he was around 6 mos). He was more excited than I had heard him in a while, and it struck me that it was because he knew he was staying with me this weekend. When she got back on the phone, I was tearing up pretty bad. I tried to hide it, but she may have guessed. Note: she is almost as dangerous as the W, and has been caught lying for her on a couple of occasions.
-When I got home (she brings him over in the afternoon so he can get comfortable before I get there, not to mention snoop around the house and find all the contrived evidence I leave around to hash up all my mixed signals even further), she told me that he had said to her yesterday that he was "Ready to go to My House. I've had fun at your house, but it's time for me and mommy to go home". The only reson I believe her is that he mentioned a specific thing on the phone last night that backs up her story (as close to double blind as I can get right now). Note: this is after weeks of him telling anyone that will listen, including me, that his grandmother's house "is my home now. I belong at (her house)".
-After I changed out of my work clothes, we walked her to her car, and she said that one of my sisters-in-law (whom I have had some conflict with over the years) wanted to know if it was okay to call me "just to talk" and see if I was doing okay. Real mind blower, that. I said sure, I miss all the siblings, let them know I'm doing really well, but I certainly appreciate their concern. That's the truth, but what the F*^#?
-Not an act, but a calculated action: Before she left, I mentioned that I have been very careful not to intrude in what goes on over there, but since she had brought it up I asked if he had said the "time for me and mommy to go home" thing in front of W. When she said no, I stated honestly "Good. She has a lot of pain in her life right now, I'm sure, and I think that would have really hurt her". You should have seen the look on M-I-L's face.
-As if that weren't enough for one day, me and the boy are playing chutes and ladders when my boss's daughter calls me for help in finding a local tourist attraction (read: extremely flimsy pretext to get me on the phone). This girl is very young, dumb as a stump, and, worst of all, extremely hot. Just exactly what I don't need right now.
Okay, fine, a little comedy:
Q. What is the definition of mixed emotions?
A. Watching your mother-in-law drive off a cliff in your brand new Porsche.
You can say "this sucks" if you want. I said it plenty of times and thought it more. But a very wise poster here (Ian) once told me the same thing, and he was right. This is like the championship game, and it's time to put your best effort forward for all four quarters. Losing even those tiniest of self pity moments helped make me stronger. That kinda sounds stupid, but I honestly believe it. FWIW.
M 39 W 39 M'd 10 yrs; T 14 yrs S7 D4 Bomb 5-8-05 W not working on M 1-22-07; EA 2-22 DB 4-10 S 6-11 No more C Link
... Losing even those tiniest of self pity moments helped make me stronger. That kinda sounds stupid, but I honestly believe it. FWIW.
Worth a bit, I would say. Thanks for the tip.
One of my biggest challenges has been other people's perceptions. I mean, I get a kick out of showing people how strong I can be by "going where others fear to tread" and doing it with a smile, but this little voice in the back of my head tells me that someone is eventually going to call the men in white jackets on me if I don't show the expected responses to my sitch. I've been pretty successful at shutting that voice up most of the time, but he slips by the gaurd every once and a while.
Tangent: Anybody else collect movie quotes? I've got a brain like a bowl of oatmeal, whatever you throw at it just kind of sticks. I keep hearing quotes in movies that I just can't help but apply to my sitch. Ran arcross an old one last night from "The Last Boy Scout": "I wish the sky wasn't blue...I wish water wasn't wet...I wish I didn't still love my wife."
Upon reflection, that last comment wasn't as tangental as I would have liked. Tip had already been given, I just found a new way of phrasing my trouble with the whole self-pity thing (More Of The Same, anyone?)
I've replaced that movie line in my head with an old favorite from "The Terminator": "Look at it this way: In a hundred years, who's going to care?"
Quick update: Fantastic day with the boy. Had a ton of fun, had no less than 6 unsolicited compliments on him/us from total strangers, lots of laughter, showed virtually none of the pain I still grapple with from time to time. Rousing success all around. Great kid. Virtually no contact with W except her morning check in and the good night call. Nothing but minimal pleasantries between us, though she did hear that I finally changed the incoming message on the home answering machine (basically word for word what it was before, but in my voice instead of her's).
Have set DR aside for now to read "How Can I Forgive You?". The topic has been much on my mind, and this book seems to hold promise to give me the nuts and bolts info that I need to decide how best to proceed for myself. Anybody read it?
I understand. I went through Thompson's course several times. Useful info. WOSHA!