NikkiB #17

[NikB]

Thanks so much everyone. Had a quick good cry this morning just to get it out, and now I am determined to make this a great day!! It's my first day of vacation and I'm sure as heck not going to waste it being down. I'm mostly just catching up on chores and stuff, but will take a little time to go to the park or something too - something fun.

Still supposed to go racing with H this weekend and still planning to go but it'll depend on how I feel later today. There are a bunch of good friends going too so I'd really like to go, and it's always a great time for H and I to connect a bit too... we'll see.

Monday and Tuesday I'll find something fun to do just for me.

All of you made some great points last night/this morning - thank you so much. And thanks for the hugs too, they help so much. I wanted to reply to you individually. Long post warning...

JDK
Thanks. I did relax and calm down, and managed to even get some sleep, so that was good. You're right, a lot of what he said after was positive. I wish it didn't sound so much like the time frame between the bomb and him moving out (all the "I'm sorry I'm hurting you" happened then, too). but I really do need to stop letting the past year influence my reactions TODAY so much. I was proud of myself for telling him all that too. Like OT said I apologize too much - but it's a massive improvement for me to say all that stuff at all, so I'm getting there. thanks for the hugs.

Dave
Yeah, tough one for sure. I totally agree that he shouldn't be hanging out with her. The huge problem, I think, is that they work together.. and not just "in the same place" kind of thing, but she's in parts and he's a mechanic so they have to interact all day long. Even when he does pull away from her he talks to her all day every day at work - seems like over and over it's only a matter of time before he gets sucked right back in.

Care
You sure have that right, there is something he can't let go of and I don't know what it is. Congrats on your H verbally recommitting, that is great!! I need to catch up on you soon (I usually follow your thread too but don't post a lot). I think he not only can't let go of it but he feels, as you say, like it's somehow wrong of me to ask him to. I'm glad I finally have that self respect piece that was missing all last year - it allows me to see that no, it IS destructive, and it IS ok for me to be "not ok" with it. I really wish I had a better idea what his LL is. I keep thinking I AM doing that, showing him love etc., only to have it all blown out of the water by him telling me he's only doing things to try to make me happy. It makes it sound like any good times we have are just because he's doing it "for me" and he's not enjoying anything at all.. I know logically that probably isn't true, but it feels that way sometimes.

Keep swimming.. I like it!!

Oldtimer
Thanks - I'm getting there on the standing up for myself. A ways to go still, for sure, but I'm getting better. I totally agree that the "people who were part of your life" thing is straight from her. Good point that it's probably how she guilted him into meeting the new guy, too. I thought it was weird how he kept going on about what a great guy this was. My guess (who knows if it's right, but my guess) is that he was trying to help me feel better about the whole thing because he's obviously not "involved" with her if he's there with her boyfriend right?? He did that a lot last year. He never did understand why I didn't feel better about the whole situation after he told me she had a boyfriend. Um yeah.. she's married, she's dating another mechanic (also married) in the shop, and that's supposed to make me feel BETTER? Because what, she'll cheat on her H but not her married boyfriend...??? The logic just boggles my mind. Anyway... enough on that.

Thanks for your words about the "making you happy" thing being crap. I didn't recognize it at the time but that thought came into my head this morning, and it was great to read that you saw it that way too. It's not as extreme obviously but it's like the guy that beats his wife then buys her jewelry.. the "good" doesn't excuse the bad.

About boundaries - I guess I truly don't understand the boundary thing at all. Because the boundary that I want IS controlling him in a way - or rather wanting him to change what he's doing. The REASON for it is not just to control him (I do finally get the distinction there between controlling him vs. what I really need)... but it really is about his actions or inactions. It obviously doesn't matter if I "accept" it or not because it's going on anyway. I'm not ok with it.. I'm not GOING to be ok with it. NO I don't accept the friendship, but I have no idea what to DO about it.

I do want to go back to MC. I wasn't going to bring it up again unless H did, but I've decided to just schedule it and will tell him when it is. Up to him if he wants to go. I want to talk to her either way and get some ideas. We have a solution based MC who we saw last year and we both like and respect, so maybe she can help. I think I really do need a third party to help me there. OT I think you'd like her a lot. In my solo session with her I mentioned that I was upset because I had gotten really angry at H earlier that week and she said, I kid you not, "Why are you upset about that? He was being an a$$, you had every right to be angry and I'm glad you let him see it." She doesn't let me apologize or minimize my feelings, reminds me of you.

I have no idea how to make it healthy either. What I've been doing - focusing on me more, expressing my feelings more, working on my PMA again, have all been helping but it's not enough, for sure.

Donna
Thank you! Too bad your PW won't move. Hm. Maybe she can get a new job out here in CA and the PW in my sitch can move in across the street from you... . Two birds with one stone...

Yeah, I do know that it's basically a symptom. Although in this case where we're at now, I think it's a little different. Last year I really saw it that way, a symptom that I was blind to for a long time. But now, when he had decided to come back and things were going great - then all of a sudden about a month ago the social contact with her restarted again and suddenly he's unhappy again. I dunno, it just seems like there is something more going on, some kind of "pull" that she has that I don't understand.

I've done a lot of thinking about what he was drawn to in her - self confidence, taking lots of care with her appearance, PMA most of the time, more adventurous, those kinds of things and have definitely done a lot of that myself (not just for H, for me, too, but that's how I started looking for positive changes to make post-bomb). What he's getting out of it now that he's not getting from me? I really don't know. Maybe like Care said, he's getting an "escape route" and that's it. Kind of the keeping the suitcase packed... he knows she's always there to encourage him to leave and tell him he's doing the right thing.

Or maybe he's attracted to all the drama that swirls around her - and frankly I'm not interested in creating or living with all that drama, so if that's really ultmately what he wants he's gonna have to find it elsewhere (without me). But I don't really think that's true, because I see it in his whole demeanor that he's happier when he's away from it.

Hangin' on... thank you.

Ourcrisis
Thanks, empathy always helps too. I haven't caught up on you in awhile either - I'm sorry! I am glad you guys moved, one more step away from her, hopefully. As for me - he had cut off non-work contact for quite awhile (I think almost 2 months), but now he is flip flopping. It feels almost like a test, or a rebellious thing, or an addiction he can't break, or... who knows. But yeah, it's definitely a very stuck feeling.

Whew... long post.. but thank you again everyone.

I used to be really good about reading other sitches in Newcomers, need to get around here more too as I bet I'd learn a lot, and be able to offer some support. I'll go catch up on all of you now though.