You're right. Thank you, CM. That's when things were going well, when I was following all the rules, so to speak, trying to fill his cup without expecting anything in return, but it all kind of went to hell when he started to feel entitled to rake me through the mud again after his last session. Remember he was cold for two days and when I felt he was not talking about it to me, but biting my head off over everyday stuff, I called enough and said I was sick of him treating me that way for "no reason." We all know the reason, but it wasn't based on anything I'd done. (That's when I said I feel as though I've been walking on eggshells. He copped major attitude saying I SHOULD have to put up with it and it went from there, because I DON'T feel I should have to put up with it.
My issues with his email thing are getting much further and fewer between. I'm not keeping it at the forefront because of his behavior. I do think in an unconscious way I began stewing because I felt that in general I had bent over backwards and he had swept his indiscretions under the rug. That hypocrisy is the thing that drives me absolutely mad.
Ok, so where to go from here. Begin acting as if, with NO EXPECTATIONS. Trust him 100% because he HAS SHOWN that he is trustworthy. I believe that in my heart. Even when he threatens, I REALLY don't believe he will do anything unless things change, like we move towards divorce or something major.
I wish I could understand better and manage the feelings I had last night when he approached me sexually. I knew I was coming at it from a very unproductive standpoint, but I couldn't help myself and at times I was laying there cringing, thankfully he couldn't tell in the dark, but I know my body language told him all he needed to know. Here's something. I know this sounds weird, but right before hand, when I was on the computer, I was casually reading MSNBC articles and videos, etc. I like the Dateline stuff. Well, I saw that the host of the To Catch a Predator series has written a book. I watched that show once or twice and it haunted me for a day or so. I avoid it now. But I found it interesting, so watched several segments. I don't know WHY I would direct my discomfort toward my HUSBAND, I have never been molested, but I know my mother was. I somehow was really turned off by the way he approached me in a purely sexual manner. That's why even though I knew at the time, I was messing up, I called him on it and said are you doing this for me or for you? He was doing it for him, because he connects that way, and I would have WAY PREFERRED that scenario to be PREFACED with eye contact and some kind and loving words. Dare I say apologetic? I know at some point you have to just accept the idiosyncracies of your mate's ways, but I feel like I get so LITTLE verbal affirmation, I really crave it.
Ok, just some thoughts I'm pouring out here. Gonna go change scenery for a while.
Thanks so much, everyone. ALL comments and advice welcome.
