I don't have all the answers that's for sure. Would I be here if I did? \:\/
All I know is it took me a while to realize how important boundaries really are in a R/M. Without maintaining the boundaries, the respect factor is nil.
Most of my M is in great shape. We do respect each other now and treat each other with love and kindness. The sex issue is still a never ending work in progress but even that is so much better. We don't fight about it anymore and we both Know that the boundary is there. The SL needs to be adressed in a healthy fashion or we will not survive as a M couple. We used to use anger/avoidance to deal with it. But now we can at least talk about it and not build resentment. Had another productive talk last night in fact.
Anyways, you are going at each other with such venom and disrespect at times it's going to have to be addressed first before you manage to actually have a happy, healthy SL and M. The foundation of your house is shaky at best. It's no wonder the SL is a mess and the possibility of A's and mistrust is at an all time high.
Nothing was Really accomplished in my M until after the separation. That can be an option that does not always lead to D. It can actually force the couple to rebuild a new R and start over in a sense. BUT both couples have to be on board to make that happen.
It is usually a much longer process to try and manage these issues while still in the midst of the M turmoil. If neither partner is willing to change and re-establish boundaries, you can live a lifetime in that mess. I know you don't want that. I have seen this in several M's where both people say they would never think of S or D and will just live with the craziness. That is a choice. Many couples unfortunately sort of give up on making any changes in the R simply because they are M and why bother. Unfortunately again, one spouse usually gets annoyed and resentful of this approach and decides to go off and have an A, or whatever. M needs to always be a work in progress. That is one thing I have learned, along with the boundaries. Get out of your rut. Maintain your respect. The M can only benefit for it.
LFL