Peicing hurts like hell and is harder than...

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Journaling...
My W is back in town for the July 4 holiday. We just put the house on the market, and have already had 2 showings. We are still getting along pretty well. She is still sleeping on the couch, instead of in our bed.

There are some advantages to having the bed to myself. I've been sick this last week, and I don't have to worry that my coughing and snoring are bothering her. It is nice in a way to have your own room.

I've been following the DB coach's advice; flirting, being playful, positive energy - and the hardest part for me - stepping back without turning away. Can't she (my W) at least give me a little more hope? If I were 'dating' her and she were treating me this way, I'd be looking for someone else. I could use a little more positive feedback, a little confirmation that she is interested in me. I say a little more, because there are signs that she is interested and positive, they just seem very small to me and I feel I might be misinterpreting her being 'nice' and a 'friend' as interest in our M.

It's hard to balance these motives; being interested in her, pursuing her in a way, flirting with her, dating her in a way, and detaching at the same time; backing away (giving her space, ball in her court) and not turning my back (really giving her space, and moving on with my life).

Meanwhile, I'm doing somethings I know I shouldn't do. I'm checking out dating sites, I'm flirting with an ex-coworker, I'm flirting with an old college girlfriend who recently found me and contacted me. None of these things have crossed THE line, although I know I've crossed A line or two. It helps knowing that someone may be interested in me.

If my W said it's over, let's divorce, it could have the affect of stopping my flirting. I'd be free to really be alone, live alone, really concentrate on me (and the kids; although my son is pretty self contained these days, and my daughter will be with my W).

And of course, there is always jealousy of the OM. I don't blame her for still thinking of him. It would be easier for me though if I could put it behind me. As long as we aren't really talking about it, and not really 'married', he does cross my mind. If we were divorced, I think it would be easier to put it behind me. If she would say ILY,it would be easier to put it behind me.

And, it is really going to hurt when I have to send my daughter to AR. I will really miss her. It hurts like hell thinking about it. As my daughter said though, when I said I was going to miss her, I don't have to miss her now.

What am I suppossed to feel? What am I suppossed to do? If I'm going against my instincts (which tell me to end it, move on, or be angry, or have R talks all day)then what do I follow?

this is Fun. Everyone should have to go through this. It's only fair.

Having just written that, I know there are many out there who would love to be in my sitch. There is much worse that could be happening. I'll be thankful for what I have.