First time posting and really need the support of the community. W told me 6 weeks ago after a trip to Amsterdam that she was having an affair (and all the other usual things, brother, best friend etc.)
As per most other people, I tried the talking, loving approach, but that backfired. OP lives far enough away that she only sees him once every 3 months (intimate since Nov 06).
At the moment trying the cool approach without any pressure but still know she is talking/texting him.
We are still in the same house, share the same bed and are intimate on times, but no kisses, no cuddles. At times I feel like screaming and running for the hills, but then I think of the children and how I have taken the resposibility for childcare. I think all I need from the group at the moment is support and advice.
I have Michelle's book and am currently doing the 180, but I feel on times that I am trapped and just waiting for the 'I'm leaving and taking the children with me'.
I know I'm just rambling, but its difficult to attach all the hurt (didn't know, suspected), anger (at myself also) and despair. I know that patience is the key, but boy is that the hardest.
On a brighter note, I have lost weight so I feel healthier (when I'm not sinking down low).
Dear Pamar, Hang in there - things will get better. YES its about Patience - if u really love her and want the family to be togther - u must give it a shot.U must detach from her adn do things more for you - so she sits up and take snote of changes. I know it shard - no one will come and fix things for us - we have to do it - if things work out - there is reward for all the hard work.Keep losing weight, eathealthy, change your clothes, hair etc - for you. Be very confident and fun around her - dont dspair - their affair is stupid and shallow - u are the better person. also plz think of people who have worst situation then u - sh estill under sam eroof - so dont lose that opportunty and time. Be honest - be firm with yor changes. You will be fine.
Most of us are in the same boat. Thoughts racing from one thing to another, loving and hating her at the same time. Time does help, but I can only say that since my W and I have been talking/crying alot about it. Are you guys open about the situation?
Has your W stated if the A is over? I am guessing not since she is still talking/texting. You two need to discuss what you both want. This part scared me the most, because I was so scared of her stating that she wanted out of the M. Thankfully she didn't, but I am still scared. If it is decided that she want's to end the A, then she needs to stop all communications.
Hang in there man. There are some really helpful people on these boards. I am also a newbie.
I thought we were bulletproof. M: 35 H: 33 Together 18 years Married 10 S6 D4 H: EA 3/07 PA 5/07 ended 6/07
I think the hardest thing is learning patience (where have I heard that before). One of my problems is that she works long hours, comes home at 7.00 p.m. and by that time I have fed the kids and collected them from school, so don't really feel up to much (energy levels sapping!).
She was angry at me last night and I didn't react (probably that will initially make her angrier, but what the hey).
Trying not to think of OP, but damn hard. Find I'm checking phone records and trying to sneak peaks at her mobile (MUST STOP THAT - hurts only me).
Going to counselling next week, so nervous about that.
In answer to your question, NeedsSupport, we've done the talking and I'm doing the 180 (damn it's hard). She states that she wants to be happy and have time apart, but I'm the one that has to leave (if I didn't care about the children, I probably would), so still stuck under same house.
Going to scream for a while and then pick myself up - good friends are helping.
I know you have heard it before but NO PEEKING. I did some great detective work. The Police would have been proud of me. But all it did was make it worse. Not looking IS NOT pretending it is not happening but it is a whole lot easier to keep a PMA with out this added distraction. You think it is bad now. Just wait. I have gone 3 months with out looking at the phone records. I feel pretty good right now. I don't know if she is still talking to him or not but I do know if I looked saw that she was not calling him I would still only feel good. BUT............. If I saw she was calling him every hour I would feel like sh@t. So why make myself feel bad.
DO NOT LOOK
Husband
Last edited by husband; 06/29/0712:15 PM.
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
I know what it's like. I go to work at 3:00am get off pick up my son from school. Go to baseball practice. Come home cook dinner wash the dishes. Fold the clothes and then about 6:30 -7:00 the W gets home. EVERYTHING IS DONE. 8:00 go to bed and start all over again. We are house husbands. I don't think our W's realize what we do. I don't know about you but I very really get a thank you. It’s like that's my job. This does not even start with the yard work. Of course that's mine also.
Like I told you I have the power to destroy the OM. I have pic's that I am sure his wife would be interested in. And his boss at the yard furnisher store he works in might like to see them to. (Believe me they are embarrassing he is wearing this pink thing). I could go the piazza polar he frequents or the grocery store. But I don't. I know it was my wife’s weakness that brought this on but if he were any kind of a married man he would have TALKED to her not taken advantage.
So I don't snoop anymore. Like I said I feel good now I think the phone call have either stopped or are way less frequent. So if I look and I see this I will not feel any better. BUT.... If I see the calls have increased. My PMA will be right back to the day I found out. My mission is not to tell her to stop calling. I need to make our relationship one that she will see no need to call.
Sorry for jumping on the soap box but I know how hard it is not to search/peek/snoop. Stay strong it does get easier not to snoop but the penalty / hurt does increase if you do snoop down the road and see what you don't want to see
Husband
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
Right now its not great to know but your W is no longer your best friend. As hard as it will be you will need to look to yourself and your kids for happyness. You will get to a better place trust me but the journey is tough. You have to take the journey though there is no shortcut. When you get there you will know. For now follow the good advice in the books , work on what you need to do , there will be little payback but thats the way it is.
Thanks for the advice - would love for someone to say 'It'll be fixed next week', but adult enough now to understand that I have to work my socks off for the next x number of months to make a difference.
Still doesn't make it any easier and watching the children play makes it all come home even harder.
Using the gym to try and distance myself from it, so I will come out of this healthy, but at the moment feel so scarred.
We are still in the same house, share the same bed and are intimate on times, but no kisses, no cuddles.
I don't know what the DB answer would be, but this seems wrong to me. I don't know who is initiating the intimacy, or how or why, but true intimacy begins with kisses and cuddles. Without that it's just sex.
In my opinion you are helping to keep the affair alive by fulfilling her physical needs when she is away from OM. If you are ok with this, perhaps she should ring him up on headset while you are in bed with her??? Long-distance relationships are difficult, in part because the physical needs are not being met. Don't facilitate.
And don't even think of moving out. Not even out of the bedroom. She's in the wrong here, she is the one who should move.
