So last night, even though I didn't call it "my night" or mommy Monday or whatever, I planned on going out to the mall to use a gift certificate my best friend sent me so I could shop for my birthday for something to wear to Vegas. I told him nicely that I needed to go do that when I spoke to him on the phone late in the afternoon. EVERY time I ask him to "babysit" he ACTS like it's fine, but depending on his mood, he'll let little snide comments slip in, like "what, are you gonna be gone all night, when I mention something about bedtime or baths, etc. I made dinner, then was off. Right before I left, I sat down next to him on the couch and handed him a card. I told him he could read it after I left, but he silently read it then. I finished getting myself together. It read:
I hate it when we fight, because I know deep in my heart how much we care for one another. It's silly, when you think about it, that two people who love each other should have such a hard time getting back on the right track. I want so much for us to listen openly to each other and focus on what brought us together in the first place... to get past the hurt and tears to the hugs and kisses... beyond misunderstandings to forgiveness. I'm more than willing to try, and I hope you are, too...
because when things are right between us, life couldn't be better. And I can't wait till we're back enjoying each other again.
I signed it: I love you Joey and ALWAYS WILL. I just want us to be HAPPY. Love, your wife, R. xoxo
He said the card was nice, thank you, in kind of a somber tone, but it was fine, based on all that had happened.
Came home, all was fine, D was watching tv with him in bed. I got on the computer and he came in and said I could have laid in there with them. I said I didn't want to watch that kid's show. I just wanted to get a snack and check my mail. He acted like I was avoiding him, which I *guess* I was. He asked me to read to D and I did. Then went to the computer. I just didn't FEEL like reaching out to him. I know it would have been nice if I did, but I didn't. I wanted him to reach out to me. (Yes, this is typical, and yes, I recognized it at the time, but I couldn't force myself to feel or act differently.) He came in at one point and extended his hand, which I recognized as his way of inviting me to the bedroom. Sort of at the same time that I saw him walk up to me, but kind of before I saw his hand, I said look at this, and showed him some pics I had ordered online. He looked at them with me, then said, "Come here and help me with something." I followed him in the bedroom, where he had the lights out. He started kissing me and undressing me. I really wish I hadn't felt the way I did, but I was feeling VERY stiff and uncomfortable. I know, it was really sh!tty timing and I was trying to fight it, but not doing a very good job of it. He sensed it and asked what was wrong, and I used his line of, "I'm just not feeling very close right now." He took a step back and said, "Don't do this, don't reject me right now. I said I'm not rejecting you and reached out to him. We kissed a little and hugged and I said, "are you doing this to make me feel better or to make you feel better, you know the whole man/woman thing." He said, "why are you analyzing this?" I said because I know what you need to feel reconnected and I know what I need to feel reconnected. This is all physical, so it's nice and it's meeting your needs, but maybe first you could give just a little bit of verbal." I know I should have shut up and F@#$ed him, but this is my big thing. I need to feel connected and DIDN'T! If he would have just said some kind words first, but he launched right into kissing nipples and pulling down panties, which satisfies HIS preferred way of reconnecting. Well, I reassured him enough that we did begin to make love, all the verbal I got was, "I love you, Robin," which is better than nothing, but is about all he can ever muster. Well, ironically, he lasted a LONG time and quite frankly, I was only in the mood for a quickie at BEST. I admit that other than moving my hips, I was mostly just laying there after a while. He readded lube 4 different times and finally tried to put it on me that I never wanted to to begin with and he felt like he was raping his wife, and got off the bed in a huff. I remained calm and said I admitted early on that it was a little uncomfortable given everything that has gone on, but that didn't mean I didn't want to be close to you. He remained pissed. I tried to simply say, if you had come sooner, which is not your fault, it's probably the Zoloft's fault, this would have played out completely differently and I wouldn't be the one to blame. He said nothing and I walked out.
SOO...this morning, I acted like nothing was wrong, tried to help wake him up, watched the TOday Show with him, cheerfully brought in our son to our room, etc. When I asked him about what he might like to take for lunch, he said he would take the leftover restaurant food. I said ok, that I would set it out with his keys so he wouldn't forget it. I said, Do you want a yogurt to go with it? He said, "I don't care." I was getting sick of his attitude at this point, I did not feel like I deserved it. I said, You either do or you don't. It doesn't matter to me, I'm just trying to be nice! He said he didn't care and I walked off and probably rolled my eyes when I got around the corner. I set a yogurt by the to go box and set his keys on top.
He said that today is his consultation for his vasectomy. I spoke with him for a minute about that and tried to say something about last night, like I was sorry it had played out the way that it had, but I felt like if he had come sooner, again, not his fault, that it would have turned out differently and I wouldn't have been to blame. He said in a pissy tone, just so you know, "I'm very frustrated." I said, "You're what?" He acted like I was an idiot and said, "I'm getting very sexually frustrated!" I said, "why?" He said, "because it's been so long since we've done it." He totally threw me for a loop and I think I walked away trying to absorb what he was saying. A moment later, I turned to him and said, "well then I would think you would have come really quickly, not taken a long time." He said, "yeah, that just made it worse." I tried to get him to see my side that that was not my fault. (One of my biggest pet peeves is being blamed for something I do not feel I'm guilty of.) He snottily asked me where the printed out email from the tattoo artist was, I said I probably moved it so Mari could play on the computer and not mess it up. He saw it next to the computer and snatched it up and said, "I found it." I said, "Did you go to that Mail2Web account?" He looked at me for a minute out of the corner of his eyes, then said, "Yeah, I checked my work mail, why? Are you checking up on me again?" I said I looked in the history and saw that you had been there. You told me you used that when hotmail was not working and I didn't think it was down yesterday. He said he didn't like me checking up on him. I said, it was just a week or two ago that you sent me your new passwords, which I have not used. He said, yeah, just letting you know my passwords were different. I said, "Yeah, so I can check on you if I want, which I haven't. I said, you see, Joey, I have NEVER EVER IN ALL OUR YEARS together not trusted you or checked up on you. EVER! It hasn't even been 3 months and look how you get so defensive when I bring it up in the smallest way? Forgiveness requires repentance and at least some acknowledgement of being sorry, which you NEVER are. However, you want me to be in a constant state of submission and apology over my actions from YEARS AGO."
I thought about everything for a moment, then went to him, calmly knelt beside him at the computer and reminded him how I left little notes for him over the weekend (when he blames me for having "given up") and then how he got upset for a few days after his session because of all the emotions. I tried to explain that that is why it has been a "long time" since we've had sex, not because I'm rejecting him. When I mentioned the Monday session and his follow-up attitude, he snottily said, "yeah, and why was that?" I said, things have been better and I've tried to be humble and do what needs to be done to show you I love you and fix things between us, but then when something comes up, not at all based on my actions that causes you to become emotionally distant, I do not want to be blamed for that. He listened and said nothing at that point, which surprised me. When he left a few minutes later, he came to kiss son and I reached out for a kiss, he gave me one. I said I only brought that stuff up to clarify things because I feel so *accused.* He said nothing about it and left.
