The OM in my sitch is my best friend. He dated my wife for 2 weeks before I dated her. He dumped her and went and proposed to another woman he was dating. He's married to that same woman now. My wife hits a MLC, gets depressed, and guess who decides to swoop in and have an affair with her?
In response to your points:
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1. W is unhappy 2. W does not know why she is unhappy 3. W is not unhappy with me. 4. W does not think leaving for OM will make her happy
Yes this affair is about HER. She's got some growing up to do.
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5. W thinks I will always be there for her no matter what... ( my fault I have told her this constantly) 6. W not thinking “out side the box” (what her actions can cause).
Yes this happens to all of us LBS. We live in fear and desperation. The power has shifted to them. When we realize that we don't need them, and start ACTING like that, things will change. If you look at MC's story, his wife is really confused and upset that he's having such a fun time. She wants him to be miserable. The WAS almost always gets a power rush from being able to control our behavior. They HATE it when we draw boundaries. They HATE it when we are having fun. Soon they feel left out. Sometimes they start to put their lives in reverse gear and start to puruse us.
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What I don’t know:
1. Can I not worry about the OM
That's hard dude. He's a sc@mbag. How about pity? Don't get consumed in hatred. It's hard for me, too. I was betrayed by wife and best friend. Does worrying help?
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2. Can I pursue female companionship Without getting emotionally involved
Hmmmm. It's OK to have female friends. I've always had healthy relationships with female friends. Right now, however, I realize I'm on thin ice. If they are really a friend, you'll probably tell them about your marriage problems: and then you send this invisible signal that says, "I'm vulnerable, I'm available." Be careful. Telling members of the opposite sex about your marriage problems is like an aphrodisiac.
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3. Will I GAL make the W feel she is not wanted and push her farther into depression?
Not at all. GAL will make you more interesting and attractive. If you are GAL just to get her back, then you are letting her control your behavior. You GAL should be for you.
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4. Do I need to pursue W ie. Love letters, hugs kisses to make her feel wanted.
Timing is key. First, Get a life. (GAL) She needs to see your ability to be happy independent of her. Part of the problem now is that you BOTH think she is necessary for your happiness. It's making her want to run away, and it's making you desperate and clingy. GAL helps you relax and be more fun.
When she gets confused and intrigued and begins to relax and make moves towards you, then play it by ear. Experiment and monitor results.
The big problem we all face is the minute they begin to warm up to us a little -- we begin to chase again, and scare them away.
Look...if they are having an affair -- they should be in doghouse. Why are WE, the LBS acting like we are in the doghouse? We don't need to be nasty, but perhaps, we need to let them know (by our actions)that we are more than capable of being fine without them. We are waging war by living an attractive and fun life, that they begin to feel left out of.
Regarding the date. Just have dinner and call it a night. Don't try to guilt her into going dancing.
