Realize you are going to have bad days, its natural and normal, your are dealing with something that you never anticipated you would, none of us did! But you are doing so well and don't forget that. One thing I realized by going to C is that what I feel and am dealing with are normal, and we need to go threw these feelings to come out better on the other side. There is nothing wrong for admitting your responsibilty in the problems in the marriage, however your H just as mine chose which path they wanted to deal with it! Instead of being men and coming to us and saying they weren't happy and dealing with it as an adult, they chose to deal with it in a very childish way! That was there choice nothing to do with us! So you CAN NOT let him put that guilt on you, because it isn't yours!
Stay strong!
Me - 44 H - 44 M - 19yrs together - 23yrs D16 S8 EA/PA - Bomb Oct20/06 Jan 8/07 Feb 01/07 Jul 15/07 H still @ home Recovered!
Don't know really why I am having a bad day. I am just feeling si fed up about it all and wondering why H just couldn't have kept his d!@k in his trousers.
Some days my brain just feels like its going to melt down or my head will start spinning and explode!! I keep fantasising that hypnosis might be good and that I could be hypnotised so that I could forget about it all.
One of the things I am struggling with is socialising with our old friends, (Married couples). When my H was in hios really pissed off phase with me he use to tell me that all our friends thought that I was mad and that he was a saint to put up with me. NOw he tells me that that wan't true and he just made it up to hurt me but I don't know what to believe and find that I don't want to see the friends we knew before as I don't know whether I can trust them or not. I have tried a few times to get together with them as I know it means a lot to my H but I end up having to get doped up on valium to be able to get through the evening. I just want to get back to normal and not feel like such a freak and that everyone is talking about me. Deep down inside I want to run away and start afresh somewhere else.
I have days where I just don't know which way to turn.
Sorry for being so wet and gloomy
Saffie
and thanks for the hugs - they mean a lot
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
Its funny you say about being hypontised, I had thought the exact same thing last night! But really would it solve anything, to forget it all, we would be doomed to make the same mistakes, and if there is something I can take from this is that its made me a better person, a different person, I guess I grew up alittle, and thats not a bad thing. As far as the friends go, well if they are true friends then will will accept and move on and if they aren't well they are further your worry. Just take things slowly, try and visit with friends for short periods to start, just to get comfortable and see how it goes from there, it probably wount take to long for you to feel comfortable again. Try and do things today that make you feel happy today, worry about you!
Me - 44 H - 44 M - 19yrs together - 23yrs D16 S8 EA/PA - Bomb Oct20/06 Jan 8/07 Feb 01/07 Jul 15/07 H still @ home Recovered!
Am currently looking at booking a holiday trail riding in Idaho with a GF of mine. Am going to tell H tonight that I am going to book it. It is not until Sept but it will really give me something to look forward to. It is one of those fast and furious rides so the adrenaline rush should be great and not too much time to think about H and family life.
The friends are probably fine. It is just that H has messed with my head so much that I don't know what to believe and so it seems easier to stay away from these friends than get together with them but feel uncomfortable. I feel that I just can't trust them anymore - they knew about the A before I did but didn't have the balls to tell me. That really hurts.
Saffie
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
NOw he tells me that that wan't true and he just made it up to hurt me but I don't know what to believe and find that I don't want to see the friends we knew before as I don't know whether I can trust them or not. I have tried a few times to get together with them as I know it means a lot to my H but I end up having to get doped up on valium to be able to get through the evening. I just want to get back to normal and not feel like such a freak and that everyone is talking about me. Deep down inside I want to run away and start afresh somewhere else.