NikkiB #17

[NikB]

Oldtimer, JDK, ST - thanks for checking in.

The 4th - well, for now we're planning to go out boating. I know, doesn't sound that different from rafting, but it's a whole different group that goes, and a different area. I am kinda excited as we haven't been out boating yet this year - most years it's an every weekend thing in the summer, so I'm looking forward to it. (if it even happens.. more below)

Tonight was..well.. rough. I went out with my friend to another meetup type thing. Really great dinner, enjoyed it a lot!

Then things went downhill. When I got home H got here just before me, asked about my dinner and I told him. Then I asked if he'd had fun tonight. I was thinking along the lines of H and W having different experiences, coming together, sharing, right?? Well, he got all weird... said "Oh just hung out." I said "Oh that's cool - have fun?" and he kept giving me that "I'm going to change the subject rather than lie to you" look (I know it now). After we made small talk about a bunch of stupid things I said "Sooo... you gonna tell me where you were tonight or let me think the worst?" (again this is after him giving me the "guilty look" for a long time, so not totally out of nowhere). H said "I was hanging out with [OW/PW] and her new boyfriend. She really wanted me to meet him." Then proceeded to tell me all about this guy. Uuuuuuugh. I wanted so badly to ask if she was still also f'ing her husband and her OTHER married boyfriend along with the new guy, but I bit my tongue.

I am fairly sure I stared in disbelief for awhile. When he stopped talking I stammered out "Thanks for being honest with me" but I was PISSED. Just trying to take a minute to think through what I wanted to say. I was sitting on the opposite couch from H and he kept asking me to move over next to him. I kept saying "No I'm more comfortable over here right now." We watched a movie for a while and finally I said "H this is hard for me. I don't know how to say this the right way so I'm just going to say it and I'm sorry if I mess it up, but I'm saying what I feel. Thank you for being honest with me, but I am not ok with you hanging out with her. It hurts, it makes me angry, it makes me feel disrespected, and frankly it makes me feel like I'm worth less than dog crap to you." (yeah I'm not sure where the dog crap came from but it came out in the moment..). "And what hurts the most is I know I've told you this before and you care about me so little you did it anyway."

H didn't really respond but held me tightly for awhile. Then he said: "Don't worry, it'll be ok."

I lost it... I got absolutely hysterical. All last summer "It'll be OK" was code for "I'm leaving you but we'll both be happier 5 years from now" (basically.. he told me that on bomb day).

I left but had sort of a mini panic attack.. crying, screaming, yelling at myself for being so stupid. I was on the other side of the house so thought he couldn't hear me but he did. He came in and tried to comfort me and I screamed at him not to touch me.

A couple of minutes later I went to him and apologized, thanked him for trying to comfort me, explained how the "be ok" comment had hit me and I was sorry I'd over-reacted based on the past. H said he was sorry he said it and that he was sorry he was hurting me. I said I knew that, and told him I was just angry at myself for being stupid enough to open myself up to the risk of being hurt again. Also that I was sorry for all the things I've done in the past to hurt him, and I hoped that if I was still doing anything to hurt him he'd tell me.

Probably dumb but I also asked "So please tell me, are you just hanging out here til you find a new girlfriend so you won't be alone? Or are you trying to piss me off so that I leave first? Please don't play those games with me. If you want to go, go, if you want me to go I will, but please don't play games."

He said he wasn't playing games, then he said "I'm trying, I really am. A lot of what I do is for you, to make you happy." I said "I know and I see that, and thank you. But H I want you to be happy too." We had a few more mumbled words and held hands.. more quiet tears on my side, empty staring into space on his. He went to bed and kept trying to get me to go with him but I can't - mind is racing a mile a minute.

I have no idea what next or what any of this even means.. just journaling for now... processing will be later, I guess. Comments, thoughts, whatever are welcome though.

(if I do need any 2x4s... can I request some padding for now? I am really, really hurting tonight and can't take too much... thanks).