Why do these things happen V

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I think it is an act in my brain, I am not sure I am doing that well YET, but I will. I know from what I have read here and other places that it is the best for what is going on at the moment so I am doing. I just have the biggest fear of that saying, "out of sight out of mind", and honestly, it terrifies me that if I am out of site, she won't have a thought about me or us.

I know I am repeating myself, but I can't help it at the moment. I know I can live without her, I know I will be succesful and find love again in time if it comes to a divorce, I know that even only being with my son half the time I will be the best dad that I can be, I know all that.

But I have had a screwed up life and I will take alot of the blame but not all of it. I cannot change what happened in my past, I cannot change the let down I have done to my wife and sons in the past. I can only work on myself and my future from this day forward, and I want it to be with my wife and son, I want to have and do everything differently from what I use to do in the past and do my part to make it a great and loving family of the future. I just want that chance, I want her to open that door ever so slightly to let me in and let a new future grow.

I am so afraid that I may never get that chance because she is afraid of me drinking again. That is the one thing that I cannot show her is different till time passes, she will always be afraid of it, whether it is 1yr or 20yrs from now, she is afraid and I cannot do anything about it till those milestone come and go.

Okay out of my system for now.
Done ranting.