Sashaying thru Seperation V

[Aud31]

Hey MC,

I completely understand your confusion on this issue. Been there! I truly think that I'd still be stuck in H's one-foot-out-the-door limbo if I hadn't taken a stand and let him taste the loss of me. It didn't take long for him to freak out and realize some things needed to change. It was scary, and I had to do it understanding that I just might end up without him, but it was certainly worth taking that risk.

You are an A-MAZING guy, and you're doing a fabulous job of showing her that your R can be great again. We all have our own paths to walk, but it might not hurt to get used to the idea that at some point you may be on your own. It's scary and painful, but liberating in a way too.

[mcojh]

Aud-Thanks for checking in. I haven't heard from my favorite cowgirl in a while. I am used to the idea. When I am home without the kids, I really struggle. I have taken so much for granted in life. I truly love the time I spend with my boys now. I know I will survive this, no matter the outcome, but I have a preference and I will work towards that. If circumstances dictate otherwise, I will be able to hold my head high and know I did the honorable thing.

[lovelyolive]

If circumstances dictate otherwise, I will be able to hold my head high and know I did the honorable thing.

Words to live by ...

ps - said a big 'ol prayer for you and your family today..

[Aud31]

I know, me too. Just sayin' sometimes they need a kick in the rear. You are the only one who can make that call though.

We all know that pain of being alone (though I had the kids 24/7). All we can do is the best we can, find joy in each day regardless of the pain, and hold on to the hope that this WILL NOT LAST FOREVER.

[frank_D]

I have to agree with Aud. I did a similar thing. My W got pissed at me at first but then suddenly got scared she was losing ME.

Yes, it is a big risk, but then again, if my W had really 'left' then I guess I would have known where she stood and had my self respect.

[ourcrisis]

MC, it has been a while. seems like you are still smiling and waving so that's a good attitude.
Just want to chime in with a little personal opinion. Not sure if this applies to CW. For me, I like to be treated special. I like to be "chased after" a little. If h calls me just to chit chat, "just thought about you so I call to say hi" will make my day. Of course, he needs to know to quickly get off if I am in a meeting, busy, or otherwise occupied. So I think if she likes to chat with you on the phone, do that more often, slowly.
I think the key here is to slowly and in a non-threatening way, slowly build up your love deposit again. Try to build loving memories. At times, you will have to give her a break so she does not feel pushed. I think that is the difficult part. And don't expect anything in return. For me, when I was DB'ing (still trying to), I keep my focus on the 19 good years that we had before. I consider it is time for me to thank my h for all that he did for me during those 19 years. So I gave willingly and happily (well, half of the time anyway). It was easier for me to keep PMA this way. Yes, it is definitely cake eating for my h for a while. For my situation anyway, eventually he decided that this cannot go on because no one was happy in the true sense. My h chose to be with me (funny I still am not convinced of thsi but that's another story). For others, may be at that certain time, you will decide or make her decide. But probably now is NOT the time.

sorry there seems to be a lot of opinions and advice in one post. We just moved far away from OW, back to our home town so things are hectic, to say the least. Trying to get back online slowly. hope you keep this going. You are a great guy.

[mcojh]

I just got back from a 45 mile bike ride. I am whipped.

[mcojh]

Gonna vent, journal a bit. Well yesterday I asked CW if she wanted to do something tonight. She said that she would let me know today. She had no plans but wasn't sure if she wanted to do anything. She was out late at the amusement park with the kids Friday etc. Today, S15 called to say that they were going practice drive for a while and then pick up some lunch. He asked if I had a preference. I said no. They arrived later and had stopped at a sportsbar in town and got lunch to go for all of us. CW got me my favorite burger, which tasted like crap because it sat in the box too long when they made it. I never let on though.

She also told me that she was tired and didn't want to do anything. I took it in stride. She told me that she was planning to check out a different church tomorrow. She kept talking about it. She also kept asking me if I was going. Finally she asked if I was interested in the church she was checking out. I said if you are inviting me, I would go with. She asked if I wanted to take the kids to a water park tomorrow after church.

Smiling and waving....albeit slowly.

[theoden]

She seems to want you to go to a new church with her.

Questions are statements.

She's trying to keep you in her life, yet is seeking a new church where she can start fresh and not feel judged.

Sometimes couples move away to a new town:

1. To get away from the OP
2. To escape the shaming of the commuity on the offending spouse.

In other words, she may feel she's done "so much damage" that a new place/church/town might seem a better place for moving on with her life.

Interesting.

--Theoden

[mcojh]

Well have you ever talked to your WAS and when you hung up said..."WTF"?

I called CW to tell her where I was leaving a couple things for S6. She is picking him up at daycare and keeping him overnight because S15 and I are working early tomorrow.

We chatted for a few, and she got a little upety with me about where the kids were tomorrow and the fact that I hadn't brought it up. She asked if I could have S6 tomorrow. She didn't say why, so I asked her. It was because she has to work early Thursday and would have to get him up at 5:30.

She has asked me several times what I am doing tomorrow night, and I keep telling her I don't know, because I don't. I finally said we could go watch Fireworks as a family and then S6 could come home with me.

Then she said that she is sure that some friends of ours would be asking me over for a BBQ. She said that if they asked her, she wouldn't go. I asked why and she said because she is sure that the H of this couple isn't her friend anymore. I told her that wasn't true. She insisted that it was. I asked her why she thought that, and she attributes it to the fact that he used to call her sometimes when he knew I was gone. He doesn't call her anymore. What am I supposed to say to that????

I was getting frustrated at this point and I think she realized it as well. When I said something again about tomorrow, she said that she was waiting to hear back from her friend who she called about doing something with during the day tomorrow. Why is she making such a big deal of tomorrow???? If she has tentative plans, why doesn't she just say that so we can arrange drop off if that is needed. She is driving me nuts today.