Willing NJ H -- I know this is a very hard time for you, I am in a pretty similar situation with my H. I do know that counseling has helped me tremendously to see how I contributed to the communication problems, so I encourage you to try that, it will help you in ALL your relationships. My H is similar to your W, he makes overtures about being friends and then gets distant after I accept. I think we may be giving our spouses too much control? My H also is not telling his family we are having issues. Sounds like a bad case of wanting your cake and eating it too! I'm trying the Last Resort technique -- all the other advice seems to only apply to couples where both partners want to work on things -- as opposed to wanting to 'be friends'
I am trying last resort as well, the problem I don't get is that I fixed all of my issues when she finally talked to me (over a month before the bomb was dropped.) I got overbearing trying to fix our communication problems. I'm very open and willing to talk and to comprommise on most anything. I just don't understand what she's thinking, and i've learned that it doesn't matter because I can't change it. It drives me crazy that she can have her cake and eat it too, but that's not enough to keep our family together? The only thing we can't do is be unfaithful? I'm easy going enough that nothing else bothers me and she's just as trusting. I understand how I made her feel when I was ranting, but she's told me that she knows it's gone now and asked me how I "just changed over night like I knew exactly what she meant."
Sorry for the rant, I'm always worse at night. I'm so frustrated. Thanks for the help FAITHFUL'aGA. Good luck with your H. I could almost care less what she does (though I love her and want it to work out), but our finances are tied up (together and spent on our home) and we have a two year old? Who knows how they do this? Fixing the M seems much better than starting over to me. Thanks again.
Me 31 W 28 D 2 1/2 Together 8 years, Friends for 13 years S Bomb fathers day 2007 Found out about EA on 07/29/07 Working on me!!!
I understand how I made her feel when I was ranting, but she's told me that she knows it's gone now and asked me how I "just changed over night like I knew exactly what she meant."
She probably doesn't trust it. Give it time. She needs space and time. You'll need to be patient. Think long term. Months, not weeks.
M 39 W 39 M'd 10 yrs; T 14 yrs S7 D4 Bomb 5-8-05 W not working on M 1-22-07; EA 2-22 DB 4-10 S 6-11 No more C Link
Well guys, for some reason today is a really hard day. I feel like pounded crap and am thinking about the negatives a lot. Really wanting our marriage to be happy and to feal secure again. I know there's nothing I can do, I'm still DBing, but can't get into a positive mood today. Just wanted to vent, any tricks you've found for days like this would be appreciated. I'm hoping that going to work tonight will snap me out of it.
Me 31 W 28 D 2 1/2 Together 8 years, Friends for 13 years S Bomb fathers day 2007 Found out about EA on 07/29/07 Working on me!!!
My outlets are movies, scripture, and computer solitaire, but no matter what you do, tomorrow will probably be better! Hard day for me as well, maybe it's the phase of the moon or something
hey willing hope things are going well. i live down the shore near ac. I emailed my wife yesterday because i am sending her sep. papers and wanted to give her a heads up. she then called and emailed me saying she needed to talk to. she called again we talked for a while then she came over and basically hugged me and cried the entire time. she left had to go to her second job and they sent her home because she was in tears the whole time she was there. she then called me and we decided to have dinner. this is groundbreaking for me. heck i couldn't get anything out of her for the longest time. we had good talks and i guess we have decided we will date and not rush into anything.
go dark that was the key for me. and believe that she is thinking about you even when she is not calling or acting like it. i am not there yet and need to really get control of my excitement and chill but hopefully it will work out. hope things are going well for a fellow jersey guy.
I haven't been here for a few days. Had family in from out of state and had D2's birthday party. All went well overall, most of our friends and family still don't know that we are separated. I received my copies of DB and DR three days ago and started reading. This morning, W advised me that she read the first few pages of DR and that it interested her, but that talking or reading about our sitch was uncomfrtable with her and pushed her away some still. I listened, and recommened that if she were going to read anything, start with DB. I let her know that I didn't expect anything, just that DB seemed more appropriate for right now, and changed the subject. She told me that she's seen major changes in me, especially since I started DBing, and that I've changed things as if I knew exactly what she wanted. She said that she feels much more comfortable with me and feels better about ths sitch, but still isn't optimistic quite yet. She's not ready to start doing things together, but wanted to let me know that she sees the changes and really likes what she sees. She also said that a few friends have mentioned "what if it isn't permanent", but that she told them "I know him, if he's changed something about himself then it's permanent because he's that honest with himself."
Well, I'm glad that she's not questioning the sincerity of my changes and that she likes what she sees, and I know it's good progress for only being two months into this whole mess. I felt very good about her positive comments and the possibility of her starting to read DB or DR, but even though it was great news,it felt like a stab in the gut to hear she's "not optimistic yet". She told me that she really thinks we needed this space between us and that she doesn't know what will happen, but that she now knws that "we will both be ok no matter what happens". That hurt like hell too.
All in all, I know this is positive progress and am very happy about that. I mostly listened, talked when appropriate,and didn't react emotionally; but I crashed again after she left for work. I didn't "freak out", but felt very depressed and disappointed. I've since calmed myself and told myself "this is a lonnnnnnng road and it's out of my hands", but man does it feel horrible.
Thans for any advice as always, help me out if you have any tips or have been through this and know how to make it easier.
Me 31 W 28 D 2 1/2 Together 8 years, Friends for 13 years S Bomb fathers day 2007 Found out about EA on 07/29/07 Working on me!!!
I see lots of positives here! Great job! It is normal to feel down but try not to focus on that as much and focus on you and keeping up that great DBing you are doing. Use the positive steps as your motivation to avoid getting into the negativity trap. I know it is hard but it will help you in the long run. And you are right this is going to be a long road but I think you are up to the task :-)!
