My Miracle will come....

[tyler]

Nothing to add other than COG is really knocking them out of the park. Good input and I'm learning a lot.

[Delil@h]

H just called about how to get to this realty office and my computer froze. I state I will call you back when it comes up again K? He calls back w/in 1 minute, not enough time.

And starts with,, you are soooooooooooooo SLOW honey you have to put your batteries on!!!!!!!!!
I need to see some movement.. ARE YOU [censored] SERIOUS?

I STATE: Actually honey, I am not slow the computer is.

H: more grumbling

M: Well if you are near Pepper Ave it is....

H: what the [censored] does Pepper Ave &(&*^^ *(&*(*(* B*(* and so on and so forth.... I pulled the phone away from my ear and he went on...

M: Well honey I hope you can hear me cause I cant hear you the phone is away from my ear. I do not want to hear your yelling. The realty office is one block south of Pepper...

H: one block south?

M: yes one block south...

H: Ok , bye.

My old friend Santhony always tried to help me understand how to diffuse these outbursts. I would try and do well and then my strength would waiver and I would allow him to be rude and get very, very upset. As hard as this will be, he has been like this for more years than not, he is going to have to vent and be moody with his crew or others and I will no longer allow myself to be his safe place to blow up.

He is as sweet as PIE to everyone but me. I dont think so MR.
Love ya~ but your acting like a spoiled brat has got to go.

This is going to be interesting, and hard too. But I can do it!
God bless....

[Aud31]

"Well honey I hope you can hear me cause I cant hear you the phone is away from my ear. I do not want to hear your yelling. The realty office is one block south of Pepper..."

YOU GO GIRL! That was a fabulous way to deal with his tantrum. You are on the right track Ali--you CAN do it.

[Delil@h]

THANKS AUD~

Everyones encouragement is going to keep me going. For sure.
He just called a bit ago and he was so calm. He said just calling to say" hi honey...."
I will keep you all posted.
God bless..

[COG]

Ali,

He said just calling to say" hi honey...."

Oh he knows he's wrong, and that's his way of saying I'm sorry I was a jerk.

However, the goal here is NOT to have him apologize, or kiss you butt, it's for him to not be a jerk in the first place. I think you handled it nicely, but you might try being a little powerful and see what happens.

For example. At some peaceful time, maybe right before you ML, you could gently inform him that you've bought him a AAA membership and they give out free maps. Tell him that it gets stressfull when he calls you for directions and you don't want the stress to mess up your desire for juicy sex with him so from now on he should get his own directions. Then give him some sexual directions of your own if you get my drift. And stand joyfully firm the next time he calls for directions. Tell him to call the place that he's going for directions, and then tell him to get home quick because you want him NOW!

He's a tough one, but YOU are top cat. You want to keep him wild and free, but just need him to be respectful. It'll happen.

Love,

COG

[Delil@h]

I have so much to post and right now I cant ,, but I will say I was crying and praying and crying and praying some more last nite while H was in our backyard talking to his crew.

I dunno I was just feeling so overwhelmed by my emotions.

I was praying that I need for God to help him as to help me have strength thru this,,,

as I think giving up would seem easier.

Anyway weirdest thing ever happened,, he came up to bed kissed me and wanted to talk.

He honestly has never done this,,,, and we have "talked" so much lately, I am suprised he is NOT talked out.

It was awesome,, he wanted to know what I thought of him and his plans for us , what the kids think of him etc etc.

I did mention that D8 told me just yesterday she does not like when Daddy yells at me , he says he loves you MOMMY but he does not act like it when he speaks to you that way. ( her exact words)

( Smart little girl huh?)



I told him that the kids adore him but that especially D8 loves him so and that she does not take things on face value she analizes a lot of what you do whether you think she is watching or not.

Will post more later.... I just needed to let this out.

I wonder why he wanted to talk, is he really thinking about how he acts ?

God bless...

[tyler]

Ali is really blows that you have to deal with so many emotions assaulting your ability to think clearly right now.

Whatever you do, keep focusing on you. That is all you can control. Listen until your ears bleed, validate and let him talk until he is talked out. You will wonder and worry about his motivation, thoughts and future plans, that is something we all have to work on in the process of truly detaching. The only thing that really works for me is to keep working on me.

W talks to me about ___________. I listen, validate, shutup and walkaway.

But inside??

What is W thinking? I'm going to take the dog for a walk.

What did W mean with that comment? Grab one of the kids, take them outside and shoot hoops.

Why didn't W say she can't do any of the things she really wants to do with her life until she is away from me? Get my mitt and take my D12 and D10 outside to work on throwing and catching.

I can't control her actions. Only to what extent I allow those actions to effect me. My goal is, not very frikkin long. Long enough to recognize it, attach zero emotion to it, then go do something that takes me closer to my personal goals.

[COG]

Ali,

I was praying that I need for God to help him as to help me have strength thru this,,,

Don't ever underestimate the power of prayer.

It was awesome,, he wanted to know what I thought of him and his plans for us , what the kids think of him etc etc.

The why's and wherefore's don't matter, just seize these opportunities to give loving direction. I definatley think that HE is thinking about the way he acts. Opportunities like these don't come along very often. This is a good time to be thorough and honest.

Love,

COG

[Delil@h]

Well yesterday I was exhausted, dunno why. When H came home he was exhausted too and we went to bed early it was nice. The kids too.


Something good ( well sort of ) happened yesterday....
I was talking on the phone with hubby and he was being so sweet.



I said : "I miss you and I wanna .... "
H: "You mean you miss when I am rude and I yell and so on and so forth ?"( In a playful voice)
I reply: " NO, I do not miss that , I miss you.
You big dork!"

" When you are not like that you are so beautiful honey. You can be such a beautiful person when you want to be. It is that part of you that is no good that needs to go."
H: OK, OK.( in his palyful voice again)

I see a little progress.... baby steps....he normally does not joke around about his behavior.



........my H got home. I knew he was on his way and I was making him his favorite meal. Anyway he started to say " well honey you had half an hour I think that is enough time to make dinner..." BLAH, BLAH , BLAH....
I had a few words to say @ that. Thanks BND,
He was like OK ok honey I get the point.


Then he started about something I havent mailed yet for my car.
I TOLD HIM:

" You know what honey, you offend me. You make it sound like all I do is sit here and do nothing."

H: "What is it that you do ? You make it sound so damn hard."

I reply ( by this time I am angry)

AND I SAID IT IN SPANISH JUST TO MAKE SURE HE REALLY GOT IT.... I WAS ANGRY BUT MY VOICE WAS CALM.

" You are offending me, not once have I ever complained that I stay here nor have I said it was hard. But for you to sit there and pretend all I do is sit around and do nothing now that is just plain rude. I do not sit around doing nothing."

H: "come here sweetie."

I reply: " No , I am not kidding you need to take this seriously"

H: "OK, I am sorry."

I reply: " I am not going to sit by you and watch that Movie now cause then the kitchen wont get cleaned up and somehow I am supposed to spend time with you and have the kitchen clean itself."


I cleaned up and later went to sit down with him we had to do invoices together. He was pleasant.

I am doing better and he seems to realizing that I am not backing down this time.

I will keep doing this with love of course.
Hopefully he will keep his eyes and heart open to allow himself to change and let go of old ways,.
God bless...

[brandnewday]

How about a compromise....

Honey, I would love to watch that movie with you but I also need to clean the kitchen.
Could you give me a hand in there and if we do it together it will be finished much faster and we will still have time to watch the movie.