Recently my wife scanned out home computer and found the adult sites I have been visiting. She has caught me before, and I have always lied and swept it under the rug. Now she knows everything. I don't know what to do, to her this is the definition of cheating. I think she is contomplating divorce...after just one year of marriage I love my wife with all my heart, and can't make her see that what I did has nothing to do with her or how I feel about her. That is is just stuff on the computer and not real to me. Even though she knows everything now, I still can't find the courage to actually confess everything I did online (pron, chatting, etc).
Anyone have any advice? I can't seem to stop this kind of behavior, but am now dedicationg al lof my evergy to make things right again.
You need to figure out why you do it and why you feel you can't stop doing it. If I found out my H was doing things like that it would be ME OR THE COMPUTER. I tend to think it's cheating also. You are putting time & effort into other things, porn, chatting, etc. that should be spent on her or with her. Honestly, I'd be p*ssed off too. I'm not bashing you, just giving you my opinion.
If she is contemplating a D and that's not what you want, then you need to figure out what you DO want. If you want your Wife and your Marriage, then you need to quit the computer crap. You need to sit down and talk seriously w/ her about this. You need to take her feelings of betrayal, distrust, etc. very seriously. It will be awhile before she will be able to trust you again, whether she decides to forgive or not.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
Have you sought counseling for why you feel a need to do that, especially after only one year of M? It's hurtful to a woman's pride - like we're not good enough.....
....Understand, that I can't, not be what I am I'm not the milk, and Cheerios in your spoon ~ Avril Lavigne ~ ..."Nobody's Fool"...
I have thought about counseling for myself, but always just tried to stop. I know I can, I have just been dumb enouhg to think I wouldn't get caught again. What I DO want is to stop all this and work things out. The working things out is going to be the hard part. She is the kind of person who doesn't forgive easily, and NEVER forgets. Every time I have lied, she has loved me less, now I am at rock bottom. I know it might be too late, but I am gong to change my priorities and fix myself.
I started doing a little bit of this kind of stuff when my 15-year marriage was on the rocks. Specifically when our sex life was down to maybe once a month. For me it was a symptom of our problems, not the cause. My W was still very upset to learn about it--and the chatting was much worse than the pictures, in her opinion.
On the other hand, my current SO says she wouldn't care at all if I had a magazine laying around, as long as I came to her for the real stuff. But again, chatting online with some W would be considered cheating.
So, if you want to save your M, my advice would be to spend ZERO time on the computer unless your wife is in the same room where she can see the screen. Better yet, turn it off altogether, along with the TV. Spend time with her. Go on walks together. Admit your mistake, apologize, and consider counseling if you can't do these things.
Our sex life was awesome until she found a playboy magazine which I had forgotten I had. Since then the sex life was in the dumps, and that's when all of this started. So it is also a symptom of our problems, but I CAUSED the problem to begin with. To her, even a magazine is cheating. I think she lives in a fantacy land where dating and married people never look around, not to cheat, but just to look. I think it's human nature. I am going to talk to her about everything, but havint the conversation will be hard. She likes to interrupt, yell, say mean things, and speculate while I am trying to talk.
It doesn't matter if you get your rocks off looking at bra ads in the Sunday paper--what matters is that you and she have the same idea about what is permissable and what is not.
If she "found" the Playboy, that means you "hid" it. Unless it was in a box of your old college stuff (and it was that old of an issue). Magazines, internet activity, whatever. If your W didn't know about it because you were lying about it and hiding it, you were cheating. Hiding stuff is cheating. Lying is cheating.
I had one GF who was addicted to porn when I met her. We watched some of her stuff together ONCE. Let me tell you it put a completely different spin on things for me to see her lusting after these well-hung, buff studs. How would you feel if your W was doing that? Do you think it might make you feel a little inadequate?
You two should have figured this one out before you got married. Bottom line now though, is this: you have to choose between your wife and your computer habit.
When it comes to this discussion, try this. Let her interrupt. Do not interrupt her. Wait until there is silence before you speak again. Validate her feelings by starting off with, "You are right about that."
Do not make excuses. Do not blame this on your recent sexual frustration with her. Do not try to spread or deflect the blame.
You said you think "looking around" is human nature. Obviously your W does not. If it is YOUR nature, and you hid that from her until after you were married, that's your own fault. Time to fix it, if you really care about your marriage.
I'm going to chime in here and agree wholeheartedly with Mike. It's the hiding and lying that is the true cheating. If you wouldn't do something with your wife standing right next to you, doing it when you're alone is not okay for the simple reason that it's a betrayal. Doesn't matter what it is...that's your litmus test.
The computer activity might seem like it's not a big deal, but believe me when I tell you that most of us are here because of situations that started off 'innocently'. And as a woman, I can tell you that if my H had been coming to me for entertainment/companionship/naughty talk/emotional support, our R would be in an entirely different place today. I wish he would have. Doing any of these things with someone or something else is a breach of intimacy.
You are quick to admit that the problem is yours--that's great, because acknowledging the problem is the only way to start changing. Real change is tough, but worth it, because this habit is more than just 'looking' at other women...it's a wedge between you and your W. Might seem small, but it won't stay that way. Figure out how to beat this and you can beat anything. Good luck!
It's the hiding and lying that is the true cheating. If you wouldn't do something with your wife standing right next to you, doing it when you're alone is not okay for the simple reason that it's a betrayal. Doesn't matter what it is.
Could not have said this better myself.... if you really love her take a cold hard look in the mirror ands stop BS ing your way out of this. Best of luck to you. God bless,,,
