CE And I always ended up promising everyone more than I could deliver, hoping that the prospect of breaking that promise would force me to deliver and show everyone (including myself) that I could deliver... that didn't usually work. I can relate to that. Keep the peace by saying and thinking I can do enough to meet other expectations.
The part about working say 6 hours and only getting 4 hours of actual work done, it didn't used to be that way but it is now.
I've been in his shoes too, but I never came out and expressed anything about how she should be. I tried to push her to be "better", failed, and eventually gave up. I spent a lot of time wondering how I could be or stay or fall back in love with someone that didn't come close to my "ideal woman", wondering if she existed, wondering if I'd find her, wondering if I'd go a lifetime without ever finding her, and wallowing in unhappiness and doing my best to hide it. I'm not sure how much she knows about that even now, but she wasn't happy either for several good reasons Similar case with me CE.
Dude, that's not good. That's the way you're feeling right now?
Your kids are in their 30's. What are you afraid of? What's the worst that could happen if she knows how unhappy you are? What's the worst that could happen if you make changes to build a happier life?
a fine and enviable madness, this delusion that all questions have answers, and nothing is beyond the reach of a strong left arm.
What am I afraid of? Not much anymore. I have Obligation feelings, big time.
Worst thing that could happen is spending a lot of money on lawyers leaving the M, me finding a super woman then finding I still didn't have my sh!t together. Or finding what I left?
I have a belief that I have to fix some things within myself before I can be a good partner to someone else. I have to judge/evaluate/guage/size-up new people better than I have in the past.
Right now the R building experience I am learning to use more proficiently is like a self taught auto mechanics class. I practice on my old car I already own. When I attempt a repair and it doesn’t work as I would like, I do it over again. some attempted repairs lead to better operating conditions. Some repairs, well they just suck.
If I can get this car/M running better, great. If not, look at how much better a mechanic I will be if I ever have a new car.
I don't want to be going through a bunch of cars till I find just the right one. A male version of the baby bear in the "Three bears Story, I am not.
I am more of you bought it, you keep it running, you fix it. Re-does are a last resort option.
Come to think of it, I finally took a similar approach and wound up with a relationship I really like without having to find a different woman. Here's hoping you can do the same. If not, you'll still land on your feet, seeing as how you're not going off half-cocked or wallowing in misery.
Good luck!
a fine and enviable madness, this delusion that all questions have answers, and nothing is beyond the reach of a strong left arm.
Reading your post really helped my understand my W a lot more. W sounds just like you. She goes to bed at 9pm. Has S3 all day. She has had to deal with him a lot more lately due to his tonsil surgery recovery. After the birth of our son, W too totally lost pretty all desire for sex. It became a choir for her to have sex. When we did have sex, I could feel that she just wasn't enjoying it at all. I started to feel bad about asking for sex. Then of course, we just stopped having it altogether. So, thank you again for giving me a W's point of view.
I never said that Sexual fulfillment was the main goal of every man. It is the "average". Do you NOT believe the book "His Needs/Her Needs". There are always exceptions to the rule, but most of us are NOT exceptions to the rule.
I can totally relate to this. My wife wants a man that mkaes LOTS of money. I don't do badly, but their are guys making a whole lot more then me. So she is unhappy that I don't make a whole lot more.
Im glad I could help you out a bit. Once we are ml Im into it, its the intial beginning of it that I need coaxing. The thing is, I would never act like I wasn't into it, because frankly my h is great in bed, and I have no complaints, only that I wish the toys would stay put sometimes.
He does want it way more than me, but Im hoping over time that will get better. We have a 2 day little vacation planned on Saturday, so Im going out today to see what "items" I can get for it...hehe.
Im hoping that you guys find middle ground somewhere. Are mornings better times for her, or night? I would try and approach to which is better for her. It isn't good that you are not getting ANYTHING... that has to be fustrating for you. I think you should definately talk to her about that.. maybe a nice letter if you don't think she will hear you out. I can tell you from a W point of you, that I wish when my H has these fustrations, he would talk to me about it instead of getting mad at me and just being mean about it.
I would appreicate more communication.. I don't know try it, I think at this point you need to get it out!
Blessings~
me: 37 H: 44 Married for 18 years this june S7 S3 porn issues, and much more... since 7/06
Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.
TAL reading about your situation on someone else's thread, and given the more information on your husband, I would be very surprised if he doesn't have sexual compulsion issues that are tied to escaping into fantasy and porn use as an "escape hatch".
It's not that porn and fantasy are necessarily bad things but their use can impede actual intimacy between people for many. I think of it as people become tend to become "sexual performers" performing stunts and tricks while they ignore the idea of being "sexual partners".
It maybe that some of your feelings may just be a reaction to your husbands sexual acting out.
I hope that both intimacy and eroticism can exist in a marriage but know it is difficult to balance the two.
my h is great in bed, and I have no complaints, only that I wish the toys would stay put sometimes.
There's a seemingly simple solution to that, and given some of the things you've said I think you could easily do it with a little communication. "His" nights and "her" nights! Take turns. Pick a day a week and on that day agree toys will not be included. Pick another day a week and on that day - whatever he wants within reason.
And let anything over and above that be up for grabs or subject to a coin toss!
