She is in counseling/therapy. I don't know how much it's helping, I guess there really is no way to know. The therapist seems to lean towards the best solution for her right now is to D and set up a life sans tyler.
I could be wrong. It just seems that our worst "episodes" coincide with her IC sessions.
It's tough. I'm so far over my head on so many fronts here yet what choice do I have?
Saturday the subject of me sleeping on the couch came up. Her dad really doesn't like it and has said so. He comes from a position of the father/husband should be respected. What message does this send to the kids? The primary provider should be treated like a pack animal? (his words).
W was pissed that her father had said this to her, without my knowledge. W said that she had offered to sleep elsewhere, that it was my choice.
I listened. I wasn't going to say anything. She said again, it's your choice, I offered to sleep in another room, you chose this.
I said, "what kind of man would I be if I made it so you slept on the couch? what message would that send to my kids? how would that tell my son he should treat women? or my daughters how they should be treated?, this is what I should do."
Pretty crappy IC if the solution is life sans tyler!? I mean the root of the trouble isn't getting taken care of. But I'm not saying anything that you probably don't already think. Too bad really.
And, while I love to hear of family members that support the their inlaws - I cannot help but wonder if that doesn't help your sitch. I mean, I told my in-laws NOT to ride AWAW about her decision - that she needed them more than ever. It took my SIL by surprise, but she immediately backed off and it actually helped their relationship very much. I'm wondering if being the stand-up guy that you are, you should address the same with your FIL. Short story, her resolve only deepens each time he says something like that.
Just a thought.
Sven
Never sacrifice the great for the good. Sometimes the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair.
Yeah, I was thinking the same thing. One of the things FIL said to me a month ago was, "geez, with 5 or 6 people close to her saying, what are you thinking? you would hope that would change her mind".
Nope. I do believe it is doing more harm than good at this point. It seems anyone or thing that would suggest to her that she shouldn't do this just becomes a challenge she has to prove wrong.
re; sans tyler. Everything I have read or been told by the pros on this subject say the same thing. It's not about me. It was present before me so getting rid of me is just a quick fix. It sucks because I wish I could point that out to her but we know she wouldn't see it at this point anyway.
I did re-visit the financial agreement/arrangement. I'll post more in a few.
Second approach to financial agreement/arrangement.
Basically I ate crow. Not in a groveling way. More of an empowering way.
I told her that having re-thought things, I realize that I do love her and she is the mother of my children. I hate the thought of her working a job she hates.
She is a gifted and talented writer. So write. That is your job. 6 days, 6 weeks or 6 months from now, when she sells her first big song or work, we will both be set to go our separate ways. The financial issues she is so concerned about will be resolved, for both of us.
I told her that I think working a job you hate is the equivalent of manual labor. I wouldn't want her to do that. Either way it won't be easy right now, once I'm back up and running I will hustle just as I did before. Just as I would have to do whether she is working or not, because of a D. Financially, there is no way around having to hustle long and hard.
So it would be better for both of us if she does something she loves and has the potential to pay much better, a heck of a lot quicker than if she were to work her way up in some other job/career.
I told her that if someone offered me the opportunity to do something I love until I can get it up and running, established and self-sustaining..., I would jump on it with both feet. After thinking about what I would want in an ideal situation, I decided to present it to her.
She didn't say anything. She seemed to get a little misty eyed, but there is a lot going on within her right now so I don't put too much stock in any emotional response.
We learn from our mistakes. I'm learning that I can be a real jerk despite my best intentions.
I've been doing and am doing really well with everything. Applying all lessons learned, etc.
Yesterday was going great. She e-mailed me some cool stuff. Called to relate some funny incident involving S14. Went to D12 softball game, really nice vibe happening. Everything was going well.
It seemed that we had taken a turn towards a nicer place after the talk about finances, W getting a job and such on Sunday.
W even seemed more at peace, hard to explain but everything just seemed.., easier?
I have learned though, to not let my guard down. Not because of her, because of me. The things in me that need to be changed still need to be watched and beat down every time they rear their ugly head. Mental whack-a-mole.
I'm stressing about my injury, finances and other issues. W keeps wanting an answer about a trip out of town we were scheduled to take, months ago. We are supposed to visit friends over the 4th holiday. It's out of town, our financial situation is nowhere near what it was when we originally planned this.
Whine, snivel, piss and moan.
Sitting on the bleachers with W, she says again, (3rd time in a few hours), "we really need to know what we are doing, I have to call _____, just tell me what we are going to do".
Idiot boy me pipes up with, "I can stay home and watch the kids while you go out with your friends, why do I need to spend a ton of money I don't have so you can do that in another state?"
Idiot, idiot, idiot.
I knew as soon as I said it, I never should have let that roll off my tongue. If felt great. I wanted her to feel my pain. I wanted her to know that to some degree that is what I think about it.
Yet that is not all I think about it.
We get back to the house later. W brings it up. I knew I had it coming. I stood there and took it.
W said I'm still doing all the same stuff. I still assume wrong things about her. I still accuse her of bad things that she doesn't do. She knows now for sure, she can't let her guard down around me. I don't know just what I had and I'll never know now because it's gone.
I just let her rant. I had it coming. I shouldn't have said it.
Although now I know. To some degree, I'm a baby. I have to work on shutting up. I have to work on letting go.
I have to make this a behavior, not just something I muscle my mind into. It has to be ME.
For my sake. I don't want to be some miserable, bitchy, complaining baby.
Maybe I should call her and apologize?
I just want to forget about it. It was weak, it sucked. I want to pretend it didn't happen.
It would seem like no big deal. Yet given our cirumstances, everything can be a big deal. W said it's like being in a fight, where you get hit so much that after while, one hit can just take so much out of you.
This sucks.
I hate taking the pain meds, but maybe if I wasn't feeling any pain I wouldn't have been on the edge and pissy?
Screw that, no excuses. I control me. I have brought about massive and radical changes in me over the last few months. I can do this.
Pain versus Pleasure.
The pleasure of lashing out isn't equal to the pain of feeling her pull away again. Of sleeping on the couch again. Of telling my D10 that I'm sleeping on the couch because I have to get up early and don't want to bother everyone..., then hearing my D6 and D10 tell me all the reasons why I should sleep in my bed with their mother, that it won't wake them up, that it's okay, that they will go lay in their bed right now, don't worry about it, we don't need to fall asleep in here. You can put us to bed now and then come back and lay down with mommy.
Nope. Getting it off my chest doesn't compare to the cross I carry now.
Not being overly dramatic, but that's what it feels like. Small weight off of chest, hours later, still carrying crushing weight.
Wow~ You are sure are going thru some stuff honey. Hopefully Sven can give you some advice.
This did stick out to me..
Quote:
She knows now for sure, she can't let her guard down around me.
Sure she thinks she knows that,,, you are not the demon she makes you out to be. I also suffered sexual abuse and yes for me too it was like... " dont let anybody in, ALI keep the wall up real tight ALI and reinforce it everyday ALI cause you will get hurt, DO NOT TRUST or let anyone see who you really are do not be vulnerable...
SAD part is when you never let anyone in you never really feel loved. But first she has to love herself honey. And that will take loads of work on her part. You can love her til you are blue in the face . But until she sees she is worthy of receiving love it just isnt going to click.
I am not a IC, but I was in IC for 3 years to get well. When I was only 19 years old! It takes a lot of work,, it will take her alot of work to heal~
( it took me a lot of work and I still struggle with feeling good enough some 17 yeras later~)
TY, sure you helped lay out the M problems but the demons She has to get rid of on her own....
For me personally it has taken every ounce of will to love me and accept me and then accept the love my H gives. As much as I want him to love me .
I STILL have my moments WHENI feel like I do not deserve it. CRAZY huh? YUCK!
They way I always used to think of it was "how can he really love me? Noone ever did and noone ever protected me,, how can I allow myself to trust this love? He is just going to hurt me ...." And I was 25 when I met my H, those demons should have been long gone!
Make any sense? I hope so. Stay strong and keep finding the you that is under all this hurt. YOU CAN AND WILL DO THIS~ Love, Ali
Tyler, old habits are tought to break, eh? We all make these mis-steps and backslides...no sense beating yourself up - let the weight go - future focus.
Ali gives some great insight. My W too had a rough upbringing - no physical abuse (that I or she is aware [from repressed memory or anything]), and it has forged a lot of her behaviour and tendencies. You have to figure that our W's gave more to us then anyone in their life (emotionally, spiritually, physically) so that when we break that trust, it is a REALLY long road back...
All stuff you have heard already and know, but I say it here again as reinforcement. Why, becuase that means there is TON's of opportunity for the future. You have begun to understand your W on such a different level - and you have more importantly begun to understand yourself - and who you want to be. Not NEED to be, but WANT to be. This yields positives in the long run. So don't beat yourself up too much.
You know, when I was in MC with my W, we used to talk about the wall that she had up - protecting herself from me. All the talk about it wouldn't do a thing - I realised I need to do something about it - consistently if that wall was to come down. Stay focused on that objective. Doing the things going forward that drive that consistency are the key.
Lastly, I wonder if there are any things you can do or read that might help you understand more about your W's "condition". Example, since my W is an adult child of an alcholic, I read Adult Children of Alcoholics by Woititz. This book was great because it focused not on children of alcoholics but children of dysfunctional backgrounds as well (haven't we all had some disfunction in our lives). What I think can help if you are "not allowed" to be part of a persons IC sessions is to have a sense of what they are going through at a deeper level - which will allow you to seek those opportunities to make them stronger - by understanding what their grey matter is thinking. Just a thought.
In the end, Ali is right on. You can continue to love unconditionally, but until you W decides she can first love herself, and then let others in...you're in a holding pattern.
Hang in there...
Erik
Never sacrifice the great for the good. Sometimes the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair.
Ali, I really appreciate you sharing from the perspective of one "inside" so to speak. When W initially told me a few things I violated all principles of active listening. I tried to suggest things she could do and then I made the kingpin mistake of telling her I "understand" what she is dealing with.
No I don't. I can't begin to imagine.
Sven, you're right on as usual. I've been in contact with a group I met through other channels, (synchronicity?) years ago, Mercy Ministries. They have put me in touch with a number of counselors in my area as well as numerous books and articles on the web I can read.
Great material and I'm totally focused on learning and applying this material asap.
You're so right about the wall. My behavior of doubting/suspicion/jealousy really added to the self-esteem/damaged goods issue she was struggling with. I have to do my best to let her take that wall down. Every effort on my part to tear it down has only caused her to reinforce it and extend it so it now completely surrounds her.
I'm hanging, I can't imagine another option at this point.
Hopefully one day her inner struggle will get better and the demons will go away. In the mean time be someone who will Love her but also do not be a doormat. Dont hold your breath just keep working on you. If only they had a manual for it , HUH? Hang in there and God bless you, Ali
It takes a lot of work,, 
