Sounds like the first salvo from your hired gun is to switch venues. Of course the fact that W's lawyer filed in circuit court has nothing to do with the fact that she might get a more favorable result there??
I hope you just held your tongue when W said D might be final by August 5. There is no way that will be true unless you roll over and play dead--and we all know THAT's not happening.
I did not say anything about how long the D was going to take when she mentioned that this can all be over by August 5th....No I will not rollover and play dead, though I am getting the feeling that she might give a little more then one would expect to get this D over and done...
My W called again this afternoon to reiterate what she told me this morning and emailed me about the girls(seemed like an excuse to call). She then asks me what I thought about our earlier conversation. I had to pause because I felt like I was being setup and I did not want to get into a R talk, that would have lead to frustration. I told her that I felt the conversation helped both of us see the others perspective a little better. Not that we can put ourselves in each others shoes but I feel we understand where each of us are coming from. I reiterated that we both are making the best decisions for ourself and our girls.... I am not sure what she was hoping for from this last conversation but it went off without any conflict or frustration on both ends - which is good.
I forgot to mention this earlier. My W asked me if I have grieved the loss of our M. I told her that I did months ago and that our old M is dead. I do not want to go back to the way it was and neither does she. She told me that she is grieving the loss and cannot believe that it has come to this. She said that she sheds tears all the time about it. She tells me that she wants to make everything as normal for me as possible and when she sees me on the couch she has a hard time with it. I did not comment on her couch comment.
She is really hard to read, all she wants to do is talk to me about D, but at the same time she is doing my laundry, cooking me dinner, asking to run errands for me, etc.....
She is trying to stay on your good side. She does not want you to get nasty in court, so she is trying to be nice.
A couple months ago, you were being overly generous when talking about the settlement, trying to appease her. She wants you back in that generous frame of mind, so she is trying to remind you of what a wonderful person she is, doing things for you and reminding you of the good times. Asking you for a back rub was part of that.
And, she is constantly trying to gauge your mood and intentions about the divorce, to see if her actions or attitude are having any effect.
I suggest that you enjoy the home-cooked meals and clean laundry while you can. And be every bit as nice and accomodating to her as she is to you. Obviously, don't let it affect your legal decisions. Let your lawyer handle all of that.
I don't know.... she may actually be grieving. Just be nice and validate all the crazy things she says, leave the legal stuff on the lawyer. She doesn't really need to know why you are changing the judge... you can always say, "oh... my lawyer wanted to...," then smile and mention some of the fun things you're doing (non-relationship talk! Ask impersonal questions and be a great listener for her...). Avoid talking about yourself and focus on her. If she asks a question, turn it around nicely, caringly (like you want to be a support!) and ask her the question back... agree and ask more. Let her ENJOY talking with you. Let her feel good about talking with you... she will then miss not having you....
Also, this is important, change the subject when she talks about the divorce... and try this one. It used to make my husband really sad... I'd be super happy after explaining something fun I did and practically shout, "Life is wonderful!" For some reason, that really made him think. Also, if she brings up the date for divorce just be very nice and positive and say.... "Don't worry sweetie, soon it will be over..." Even if you are doing everything possilble to slow it down!!! She doesn't need to know that. It's a secret between you, us and the lawyer. Shhhhhh!
You sound really good. I like the way you've been handling things and I like your attitude. You're ready to move on if necessary, but leaving the door open until the end. I like that. And I like the kindness you are showing her. Remember the nicer, kinder and more loving you act towards her, the more likely she'll be to look back at some point and regret her decision. And ERC, YOU are a gem!!!! She is one crazy woman.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
To MikeinMidland: I hope you come over to my thread if my M heads towards D...I think your advice is excellent.
Em...Mike is right on. Remember I said to chuck out some stuff and hold to other phrases? Chuck out the 'babysteps' and maybe she is coming back by being nice. I side with Mike on this.
Continue to be strong. You're doing great now by just listening. It's hard to do...for me now also...to just look at your W and say....just "OK"...or..."I understand"..or just look at her and say nothing. Sometimes, I think, the more we talk at this point, the worse it is.
At the beginnning of my sitch, my DB coach here told me to keep all financial things SEPARATE from the M (my W was trying to get me to cosign a loan against our house for $100K to buy the salon she workes at). Follow Mike's advice...let your L's work out the details for you. Stay calm. Stay above board. Don't get dragged into any anger/D/old stuff arguments.
I liked your response about the 'old M', however, be careful to stay away from the 'new me' things..it can come across as trying to sell yourself. Just let the 'new you' show. Bottom line, if you..or I....have the less than 5% chance of pulling a gamewinning homer in the bottom of the ninth, you have to stay the course until it's over, and YOU remember what Yogi used to say.
Strength and honor.
FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
Thanks for the compliment. ERC came over to Surviving for advice and that's how I picked up his thread. I'm better at logic and negotiation than DB techniques. Although I must say if I had found DB a year earlier my marriage would be intact.
ERC,
I forgot about your financials--I think you opened a separate account? Have you been keeping everything separate? Have you and W separated paying for household things, or is she only paying for her car?
Again, this isn't pushing D. This is keeping her from having her cake and eating it too.
