Tyler, old habits are tought to break, eh? We all make these mis-steps and backslides...no sense beating yourself up - let the weight go - future focus.
Ali gives some great insight. My W too had a rough upbringing - no physical abuse (that I or she is aware [from repressed memory or anything]), and it has forged a lot of her behaviour and tendencies. You have to figure that our W's gave more to us then anyone in their life (emotionally, spiritually, physically) so that when we break that trust, it is a REALLY long road back...
All stuff you have heard already and know, but I say it here again as reinforcement. Why, becuase that means there is TON's of opportunity for the future. You have begun to understand your W on such a different level - and you have more importantly begun to understand yourself - and who you want to be. Not NEED to be, but WANT to be. This yields positives in the long run. So don't beat yourself up too much.
You know, when I was in MC with my W, we used to talk about the wall that she had up - protecting herself from me. All the talk about it wouldn't do a thing - I realised I need to do something about it - consistently if that wall was to come down. Stay focused on that objective. Doing the things going forward that drive that consistency are the key.
Lastly, I wonder if there are any things you can do or read that might help you understand more about your W's "condition". Example, since my W is an adult child of an alcholic, I read Adult Children of Alcoholics by Woititz. This book was great because it focused not on children of alcoholics but children of dysfunctional backgrounds as well (haven't we all had some disfunction in our lives). What I think can help if you are "not allowed" to be part of a persons IC sessions is to have a sense of what they are going through at a deeper level - which will allow you to seek those opportunities to make them stronger - by understanding what their grey matter is thinking. Just a thought.
In the end, Ali is right on. You can continue to love unconditionally, but until you W decides she can first love herself, and then let others in...you're in a holding pattern.
Hang in there...
Erik
Never sacrifice the great for the good. Sometimes the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair.
