18 mos and counting...

[MonicaP]

Had a talk w/ H last Sunday about impending legal process. I've filed for LS and he says "why not get a proper D and move on." I told him he will have that choice when he responds to papers. We sat outside while S4.5 watched t.v. inside and had somewhat of a heart-to-heart. I told him that I think much of what got us to this point had less to do with our M and more to do with his not being able to keep up with the charade of being "perfect." I shared my opinion that he had walked such a narrow line growing up, never being able to make a mistake for fear of repercussions from father, being the "perfect boy" and then the "perfect husband." He found me and wanted my strength and independence and thought that being a H and father would make his parents proud. But he couldn't keep up with it, he wasn't being genuine to himself. But he didn't trust me enough to feel safe in telling me that he needed to "break out" and experience some new things for himself (i.e. Goth stuff). He knew I didn't like it, he knew it scared me, and he hid it from me. I told him he shouldn't have given up, he should have challenged me, that he would have found out that - although I may not like it - he was the most important person to me and that I would have done what I could to support him.

Sure, it's easy to say in hindsight, but I KNOW how I feel about H and I KNOW that I trusted him even with something that scared me. The night he met Ow, it was me that encouraged him to go to that club where he could hear the music he liked. I trusted his fidelity to me. Ha!

He still claims he wasn't looking for anyone. Sure, I get that. But that didn't stop him from pursuing it once she presented her (slutty) self to him. I'm assuming he still had his wedding ring on and I'm assuming she knew we have a son. Yet they both justified (and continue to justify) the behavior.

Anyway, I told H that I wanted happiness for him no matter what. Those words must have come from God because I just don't think I could muster them on my own. I am still so angry.

He seems so perfectly clear now that Ow is "the one" and that our M - ultimately - isn't right for him.

I wonder, was my perception and experience of our M all based on a big fantasy/lie? He says it was love, but I got the feeling his next words would have been "for what I was capable of at the time.". So it was flimsy love for him and now it's "real" love w/ Ow.

It's baffling to me. But I know now that I have to truly move on and accept that he is never going to be the person I fell in love with again. He's not coming back. My love for him was deep and real and I would have done whatever it took to deepen it for the rest of my life. But he gave up and clearly is not mature enough to even understand the meaning of true commitment or what it takes to stay together.

Well, all I have to do now is ask someone to serve him with the papers and go from there. I think I'm ready. It's the most painful experience of my life, but I am trying to change my perspective to being grateful that I had the time with him at all and that we have a son that is pure love. I hope I can reconcile my memories of "us" someday, I don't want to doubt them anymore, but I do.

Where should I post now? Divorced?