You are right. I am and will be OK. Even though this hurts like hell to go through I am glad that I have had this happen to me. Am I crazy?? No, don't think so. If it wasn't for this sitch I would have kept on living a passive/complacent life. Was my M and life bad before all of this? absolutely not. Could I have lived a more fuller life and not lose myself over the last 7+ years? Yes... I could have but then again things happen for a reason and from here on out I want to make sure that I live to be the Man, Father that I am called and made to be. This sitch has forced me to look at who I am and what I value. Was I always living this way? No.... I often let my W walk all over me fearing that I would make things worse by rocking the boat. You know what, sometimes the boat needs to be rocked. I am me and I will no longer allow someone to effect me in a way that I lose myself and stop being me.
Do I still hold out hope that my M can be saved? Yes.... But I know with or without my W I am going to be me from here on out. Now I just need to get a little bit of my focus back here at work.
A little while ago my W called to talk. Yesterday she received a letter from her L saying that I requested a new judge. She actually had no clue what the paper said so she asked me. I should have told her to talk to her L, but I did not. I told her that I requested a new judge. What this means for me is that we are no longer in the circuit court(sides heavily with the W) and going to a court that only deals with family law. I do not think this helps me a whole lot, but I increases my chances of not getting screwed. She felt this meant that I was going to drag her through the mud and get nasty. She told me that as a Christian that I have the choice to make godly decisions(hmm...like getting a D is a godly decision). We actually talked for a while and I just validated her feelings and did my best to not defend myself. She told me that she felt that I was holding the past over her head and that she was not going to do that to me anymore. As gently as I could I showed her how I was not doing this and how she still was holding things against me. She did not argue and maybe actually saw my point. She cried through most of the conversation, which she said she would never do in front of me again. I told her again that I did not think she was evil or a bad person.
All in all a decent conversation. Did it do anything to save my M? Don't think so. I think it might have helped her see that I am taking the high road. She now knows that what ever choices I make is for our girls and me. That was my answer a few times during the conversation. She also mentioned that the D can be over as soon as August 5th. It will be weird being single. 1/3 of my life I have been with my W, it will be foreign for me to be going about life without her.
