I know I might be jumping the gun here, but the wife and I are listing our house this week and when we get an offer signed and have a closing date set I know these questions will come. My wife has already been looking at condo's to buy. Once we move out of the house and go our seperate ways I know she will ask about going to divorce mediation like she mentioned before. I'm not sure if I should say that I don't want to go to mediation and think we should get our own attorneys. Or if I should file for sep. before she files for D? Or should I just try to drag my feet since I was always the one that made our appointments my wife might not take the initiative? Afterall, I have been taking care of her for the last 11yrs. I have been doing the bills, making appointments, pretty much running the household. My friends and family are like "why would she want to give that up? You are still taking care of everything". Up to this point she liked giving me the control now she apparently resents it. Dammed if u do dammed if u dont. I just want my wife back. Not this Alien! Why cant she see that I have changed and would have changed a long time ago if I thought she was unhappy. I was blind to her signs. Her actions contradicted her words. I'm a typical guy not a mind reader. She had said in the past "if we keep on fighting like this then I dont want to have children with u". Which hurt. But, then we did so I thought she was ok. Then last year she made a comment like "Do u ever think were just 2 different people with 2 different personalities and maybe not right for eachother? Maybe we shouldn't be with eachother for the rest of our lives?" And being my typical oblivious self I said "no I dont think that. I love u why would u say that. I married u for a reason." And she left it at that. I guess if I thought she was truly unhappy she would have brought it up again or wanted to go to couseling or something. I took the fact that we were married for granted.
Anyway, sorry for the tangent. This is just so dam hard.
And on top of everythign else. When I came home last night I found one of our 2 cats dead in the basement. I put her in the deep freezer so I can take her to the vet today to get examined to make sure it's nothing that could hurt our daughter or dogs.
I am in a not quite same situation but similar. My husband who has moved out and wants to sell the house first and then divorce. This is nuts. I live in a midwest community property state and the house is in both our names, not to mention almost paid for. If you don't want to divorce, as I don't, why would you help her move the process forward by putting the house up for sale and you filing for a separtion? This is the 3rd time my husband has moved out in the last 3-4 years. I am in the house and I said I am not taking out a home equity loan ( to pay for the lawyers) or am I putting the house up for sale. This can be a last step not a first. As I have had my spouse move out 3 times in last few years and I have been going to counseling alone and with him I have been down this road but never did mine want to sell our house. I in the past have said that's it I'll file and that is a mistake. You want to buy time. I also think that your wife may need a reality check. Lay out to her financially what a divorce would look like and don't make it look good. She may not be able to afford a condo. Control is a 2 way street with money. My spouse made the money and handles our investments, I did the day to day and house and he really didn't have the stress of paying everything and having the money there. My therapist in this round of my spouse moving out ( this is the 3rd time in 4 years) wants both of us to feel and taste what a divorce would look like. Now it may be that your wife has her own income and could afford it but DO NOT help her divorce you. Slow it down. I am not too cooperative in helping my husband divorce me. He has asked for what I want in financial and property settlements, I sent him a list and keep telling him that all this needs to be done later with attorneys. He also thinks we are going to just sit down with a mediator and everything will just go along and I will agree and we will divorce. I told him that is when both want to divorce, he wants a divorce not me. No others in this relationship, no children like you either. The one that wants a divorce lives in a dream world and sometimes needs a reality check. Don't help her divorce you, let her do the work. Maybe tell her I don't want to the sell the house unless I am absolutely certain that is what I want.
Have you asked her to go to counseling? Have you considered going alone? I think it can really help, I have been going alone for a long time and it was my therapists suggestion he move out the first time. I took him back too soon both times...Hope this helps, mine is really stuck right now in his apartment a crummy one, the same the one he rented 3 years ago. My life is the Groundhog movie...
Hi Terey - Thanks for your reply. I didn't really want to sell the house but my wife just opened a new business and it is slowly draining our bank accounts. I am just training to protect myself and my daughter 1 1/2. We bought the house together 4yrs ago and it has just become a big financial and maintenance burden on both of us. I cant afford it on my own I looked into it. I think she needs to live on her own awhile to really appreciate all I did for us and our family. Ever since we seperate she still assumes I'm just going to keep on doing my job of taking care of everything. She comes off so selfish. All she cares about is building her new insurance business and not about our family. She has honestly convinced herself that us getting divorced is not going to really effect our 1 1/2 yr old daughter. I think she could be in MLC mode.
I was just about to say the same thing about mlc. Could you tell her we can't afford it and you will just have stay here until we get things going with the divorce and it would be in our best financial interest? You could set up some ground rules in writing about living in the same house and then you could detach and work on the divorce busting stuff. I will say I panic everytime mine moves out. I saw therapist yesterday and he again as always tells me he is will be back, he has to figure out that it is not you that is making him unhappy. It is himself that makes him so unhappy. My spouses mlc included during into a yoga nut where he felt meditiating hours a day ( after he came home from a corporate job is is good at) and practicing celibacy or what he called a spiritual marriage. We have role reversal in the intimacy dept, he doesn't want it , I like it! I spent one week of our anniversary with him on a fast....I could write for HBO for all I have been thru. AND I still blow in conversations with him at times. In fact he going to try that again to find happiness in that as he wants to come to the house and get his yoga mats and papers! Like I said, groundhog day!
Lay out the money to her and make her see that it might be in your best interest to not sell. I live in a very expensive county and houses just are in a slow down here and it might not be as fast as she thinks. AND if she thinks this is not going to have an impact on your child she is in denial. Going to counseling together for you child and how to handle that is one way some people get joint counseling. We were going for "divorce counseling according to my spouse. Counseling is counseling says my therapist with a smile. So sorry about your cat. You don't need that.
I said we are listing the house , but that doesnt mean it will sell Although, while we are still living with eachother she still gets to use me for everything. When she first moved out and stayed with a girlfriend a few months ago she said she was uncomfortable over there and didnt want our daughter sleeping in a pack and play every night. So she has been living back home which is great for seeing my daughter but we are just roomates. She has made it clear over and over that she is done and that I deserve better. I'm still not sure if she is seeing anyone else. I really dont think so based on how busy she is with her new buiz. Time will tell. If we do get offers on the house they will have to be what were asking. But, unfortunately while we are still living under the same roof and I am paying all the bills she will not miss or appreciate all that I do. I dont think she will want to file right away but we'll have to see. Right now she acts happy about moving on and getting her own place. Maybe I need to let her go find herself. I think not seeing her daughter everyday might have an effect on her.
Not seeing her daughter will have an effect on her. Not seeing you will also. Could you not pay all the bills? Make her see what it would be like with out all your income? Can you protect yourself and stop the money drain from your accounts? She is on a I am woman on my own, business women thing and it is not reality. Women usually suffer financially in a divorce even with a career. Where are you going to go to live? My husband is very responsible and in the past he lived on very little and let me have the money. This time he divided his check in half and we are both on a tight budget because we have some cc debt due to al these leases we had to pay as the longest he was gone was 10 weeks in 05. His therapist and my therapist both tried to get him to move in a Marriot week to week place but when he does this. It is "permanent" or so he says and then we are stuck with a lease. Is this an option? Have her move out for a month and then see how it goes? Could she afford a condo on her own. Maybe see if you could do a budget and then let her live on her own but not in an expensive place. She may need a female roomate too! I am guessing a new business might not be paying off yet. I hope I don't seem too bossy! Keep working on the divorce busting.
I know not seeing our daughter will, but not sure about me. She acts like she couldnt care less about me. The last nice thing she said about me or us was a couple weeks ago when she came home from another night out at business meetings and said "I miss talking with you." I replied I miss doing a lot of things with you. Which I probably shouldnt have said. If I was in DB mode I would have said "thanks that means a lot."
About couseling. We did start out going to couseling as a couple and then when it appeared not to be going any where we started going seperately. She still is going which I guess is a good sign. But, the therapists says that nothing has changed in her mind. Luckily, we both really like our therpist. When we were in couple session she told my wife that these problems are hers and some day she will have to deal with them whether with me or not. She also said that this man loves you and is the best man you will ever have in your life. I later asked her what she thought about her saying that and she just said "thats her job. Her job is to save our marriage. Ofcourse she would say that." Later, in seperate session the therapist told me she's a hard nut to crack and I need to think about myself and what I want and that I need to be happy. I told her I was thats why I married her. Everyone including the therapist is telling me to let her go and move on. But, Im not ready. SHe has been my best friend and lover for 11 yrs. How do u give that up?
I think she does still care about you. It is hard after all those years not to care. They just act like they don't care. They want to act like they don't care to show us. And maybe convince themselves...they usually don't know what they want. We have some similar situations. We have been in counseling. First with my therapist and then after the last separation one of the terms for him to come back was he see someone and then we started going to him for couples counseling. Three weeks ago that ended as H got angry and he said he wanted to quit as what was the point. I do not know if he is still going alone, his therapist had him stay after I left and I know he was trying to get him to come alone. I go faithfully every week to my wonderful therapist. It is a good sign that yours is still going alone. I think this a lot like my spouse, he needs to figure out that he is unhappy and what is making him unhappy and it can't be all me. That is why him moving out is a good thing. But I can tell you this is really really hard on me. I really am alone. This time there is little contact. He will not answer his phone if it is me, goes to voice mail.
I find it interesting that she thinks you should move on and deserve better. That to me shows she has some guilt about how she has treated you. Don't file or as my therapist has told me, don't do it for him, that is what he might want then he is not the bad guy, then it is mutual. Believe me I have been tempted by the amount of pain and fear I have been in to just go and file. I am surprized that your therapist told you to let her go and move on. My guess is that she means for you to find out what besides your wife makes you happy. Somewhere in DR it states that you should not listen to people who tell you its over or move on! Other people have said that to me, to move on and it hurts. My T has helped me to state things such as I want this to work out, but I don't need it to work out, I will be fine or I am working on moving forward to my spouse. Of course I should be a veteran at this by now. It almost is worse as in the past we would see each other and that is how he came back to me, by coming over to the house for grass yard work thing. Mine needs to not have me to talk to, and the problem is I miss talking to him too.
Do not give up. This is a long process. If you don't want to divorce don't help her do it. Mine is coming over this weekend to get his "remaining things" and I have on the advice of my therapist not to talk about much and let him take what he wants and quit offering him things. I have not let come over for a month or so. Mine has stated that I can have everything else left in the house and I should dispose of it as I want. I was emailing him things like maybe you would like to take this and that and was told to stop this by T. No arguing is the plan, just let him come and get his items he wants. We had an agrument over the phone. H wants to do everything by email. I bet he would divorce over email if he could.... mine has not changed his mind either.
Don't give up. You have history with yours and a child. I have 27 years with this guy. She misses talking to you. You can let her go in the sense that she has to find out what is going on with her and inside herself. I have been told by T this time he has to want to come back because he figures out that this is not about you, its about him. But I can tell you this is so hard. I don't think I have cried every day but close. Mine is a hard nut to crack to. Hang in there. I have to make through the weekend visit and I am a nervous wreck. I said in session this week that I feel like after this I may never see him again...
Although, while we are still living with eachother she still gets to use me for everything. When she first moved out and stayed with a girlfriend a few months ago she said she was uncomfortable over there and didnt want our daughter sleeping in a pack and play every night. So she has been living back home which is great for seeing my daughter but we are just roomates.