My DH dropped the bomb 2 years ago totally out of the blue. Rocked my entire world... shattered it. It was like he had cut my legs out from beneath me and I'm still learning how to walk with these new legs, ya know?
There have been times over the past 2 years where he cries about how much he "loved" me... but that he gave all he had to give and there's nothing left. Even like on New Year's, he said we would make it through this and be better than before. Then he says that and instances like that were him "just trying".
I don't believe my DH really wants this either. Honestly, I know I did take him and our marriage for granted. I just figured he'd always be there. Man, was my whole world rocked. He says I abandoned him during my depression (undiagnosed/untreated) for years. I can understand how the attention of someone else would be appealing... because even now I know I would love some attention. So he had a PA... I think it was an EA longer, but he told me soon (within a week) after it happened and had no contact after that. Well, after I called her. Anyway, *I* think he feels guilty. *I* think he shuts down and blames me and tells me he's not in love with me to justify what he did. To give him reason for his actions. Because if he didn't love me and I had abandoned him, then what he did can't be so horrible. But I believe that if he lets himself think about what he did, it's too painful to realize how much he has really hurt me. After he told me, he would cry saying he couldn't believe he did it and couldn't believe how much he hurt me. I think that scares him and he shuts me out.
Granted, I have been desperate since then to keep hold of him and my marriage. It was not a good thing. Honestly, until we separated, I couldn't look him in the eyes. For over 2 years, I couldn't look him in the eyes. Now I can. Now the tension is not there. Now, though, he says he is happier away. It's a relief to not have that tension any more, but I think we belong together (how childish does that sound? LOL).
Anyway, *I* think he feels guilty. *I* think he shuts down and blames me and tells me he's not in love with me to justify what he did. To give him reason for his actions. Because if he didn't love me and I had abandoned him, then what he did can't be so horrible. But I believe that if he lets himself think about what he did, it's too painful to realize how much he has really hurt me. After he told me, he would cry saying he couldn't believe he did it and couldn't believe how much he hurt me. I think that scares him and he shuts me out. 
It's a relief to not have that tension any more, but I think we belong together (how childish does that sound? LOL).
